Inept Psychic Botches Numerous Criminal Cases

HOUSTON, TX - Police have cancelled a long-standing contract with forensic psychic Mysterioso the Mage, after he failed to solve a single crime in four years. Said Houston Police Department spokesman Perry Quinn, "You'd hand him evidence and he'd hold it up to his forehead like Johnny Carson doing that Carnac character. Then he'd announce a vision of the crime and the criminal and it would always be something that was on TV the night before."

Quinn could not say why Mysterioso was hired in the first place. "It's not like he had any relatives on the force or strong political connections. He was just a psychic with no psychic powers who managed to pull in a $160k a year for consulting—and delivered zip; nothing usable; not even accidentally. Maybe he mesmerized everyone. But that would make him a great psychic. I think everyone knew he stunk but no one had the heart to fire him."

In his most famous case, Mysterioso was called in to solve the kidnapping of a wealthy attorney's daughter. The psychic was handed a damp hair band from the missing girl. Holding it up to his forehead, Mysterioso announced that the victim was home, sleeping in her bed and that it had all been a foolish misunderstanding. When the girl was later rescued by Mounties from a storage bin in Alberta, Canada, Mysterioso blamed his failure on 'man-caused disbelief.'

Mysterioso declined all requests to be interviewed for this article. ('I already know what you're going to print. That is my blessing and curse. But I know it won't be all bad...right? I once predicted a small lottery win—$24. I blew it all on red licorice vines. Look at me! Am I worth an article on your pathetic little blog? You're recording all this aren't you? I knew that; knew it all along with my second sight. Okay. Bye. Is Americorps still hiring?')
Image: Wickipedia