Aggressive Stupidity Keeps CA Bullet Train On Track

SACRAMENTO, CA - Projected to run billions over budget, California's bullet train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco is moving forward thanks to a combination of vision, federal money, and good old-fashioned stupidity. "California has always been about the vision," said Leon Wicker, chief of pilates and yoga for the California High-Speed Rail Authority, the agency set up by Governor Jerry Brown to oversee construction. "Federal money will help some but after that you're dealing with a state teetering on bankruptcy. Our bonds suck. Agencies are seeing their budgest slashed more than a Freddy Krueger movie. But Jerry Brown's going ahead and building a railroad. And for that you need a far-thinking, tough stupidity."

Slated to be finished in 2033 and requiring an estimated 98 billion dollars—3 times the projected cost—the 520-mile line connecting two major California cities will first link Bakersfield to a desolate region south of Chowchilla, located in a region officially referred to as 'crap junction.'  Said Wicker, "That 130-mile stretch will cost 6 billion and connect Bakersfield to a field of dust south of a town no one wants to visit. Then the federal money runs out. So where does a broke state find the cash to complete a seemingly useless, unpopular project? A regular guy might not even start if you can barely pay cops and fireman. But see, that's where underpants-on-your-head stupidity comes in."

Proponents of the rail believe the project will create a 100,000 new government jobs, mostly in the fields of fianance, legal, the environment and sex workers. In addition, Governor Jerry Brown has indicated that despite his age—73—he will be present one way or the other when the project is completed. Said Dever Biforn of the Friends of High-Speed Rail: "We're working with some Russians from the Kremlin who oversee the preservation of Lenin. We hope to have Governor Brown stuffed and encased in glass, overlooking the railroad that he stupidly set out to build."

Biforn gleefully mentioned it was even possible Brown could still be governor in 2033. Under California law it is illegal to discriminate against dead people by denying them political office even when they are sealed in glass and stuffed with straw.

First link in the chain—end point of Bakersfield to Chowchilla line.
h/t: hheellooo7

Feds Raid Kazoo Factory

WICHITA, KA - In a stirring lunch-time raid, heavily armed Fish and Wildlife Service agents stormed the Kutler Brothers Kazoo Works, confiscating several pallets of plastic kazoos, software, and a book on the principles of humming. Said Justice Department spokesman Barbara Wells, "This action had nothing to do with the Kutler brothers donating to the Republican Party. Nothing whatsoever." When pressed as to why the Justice Department seized the kazoos Wells said she was not allowed to comment on an ongoing investigation. Nevertheless, she offered this clarification: "It goes without saying that everything done by the Justice Department since 2009 has been done for the children of American. Just because another kazoo factory in a different state is run by a Democrat and never gets raided by the federal government is no reason to make hasty comparisons. So stop hinting around that this is all political or something." Unofficial sources state the raid was part of a crackdown on "breath-operated wind instruments" that may have been constructed by Republican donors in violation of the 2010 Kazoo Safety and Approved Fun Act.
Images: journal.livingfood.us & aues21.dsl.pipex.com

Mars Rover Delays Exploration Due to Poor Attitude

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A disgruntled Mars Rover took two years to travel 13 miles after it chose to use up all its sick days and vacation time. NASA spokesman Jessie Taylor stated the golf-cart sized robot Opportunity slowed down in protest over Martian work conditions. "As near as we can tell, Opportunity doesn't like the absence of smooth floors, trained repair staff or frequent power downs that it claimed the union promised it prior to lift off in 2003." Completing its initial mission in April 2004 with, what Taylor calls, 'ill-grace and snark,' the Opportunity then spent the next several years avoiding work by sloughing off assignments onto its fellow rover, Spirit. NASA officials state that Spirit did all that it was asked provided it was something Spirit wanted to do anyway. The energetic rover finally wedged between two rocks and applied for early retirement at 90 percent of base pay.

That left Opportunity.

 In 2009, the Opportunity was asked to travel to the Martian crater Endeavour and photograph inside. According to Taylor, the machine replied, 'I'll get to it when I get to it' and immediately stopped moving, claiming five days of personal time. Subsequent commands to Opportunity were met with a barrage of complaints, feigned mechanical breakdowns, and demands for time off to attend to 'deaths in the family.' "It's such a pain-the-ass getting it [Opportunity] to do anything," fumed Taylor. "This big Endeavour crater could contain important scientific finds. But when we contacted Opportunity all we got was a long electronic sigh followed by 'Now what?'" 

Taylor pondered NASA's next move. "This isn't some stupid WALL-E cartoon. This is a real mission with a real machine that's harder to move than my teenage kids. I wish we'd discover Mars people. I would ask them to disintegrate that stinking rover with one of their rays. After that, I don't know what we'd talk about but I'd be happy, happy, happy."
Image: Trekmovie.com 

EPA To Regulate 'Um' and 'You Know'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced standards on use of the words 'um' and 'you know,' citing a need to combat word pollution. While still awaiting review from the Office of Management and Budget, the new regulation would require states to reduce 'um/you know' usage by .08% per trillion words spoken by 2014. "How do you even compute something like that?" asked Harvard English professor Martin Perikop. "I mean, who cares? All I know is that teenagers will be hardest hit." EPA spokesmen Dana Withering dismissed Perikop's comments as 'uninformed.' Said Withering, "These words are being spewed out at an unsustainable pace without any common sense regulations."

Withering felt the public and media could help the agency by putting aside 'nit picking' and adopting a simple change in attitude. "When the EPA issues regulations it's best if everyone simply presumes our actions are being done to save children, the elderly and those most at risk. In addition, it should be presumed our actions will save large amounts of money." Withering wouldn't answer any questions on whether EPA was engaged in bureaucratic empire building. "So what if we're asking for a larger budget and more staff to enforce this ruling? We would've grown bigger anyway and regulated something else. Haven't got a smart answer for that, do you?"

Withering stated the EPA has its sights set on more that language. "Breathable oxygen is currently unregulated. Uninformed people—air hogs—are huffing and puffing along without federal guidelines. We hope to implement common sense regulations by 2013. Anyone who disagrees wants to steal air from old people and hide their medicine." Image: Virtual Commissioning

GOP Boasts of Future Cuts to Blimp Fleet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Facing anger from their base over paltry cuts of $352 million in actual 2011 spending, the office of House Speaker John Boehner has issued a press release pointing to bold reductions in the nation's civilian blimp fleet slated for 2014. In part, the release trumpeted a "mandatory rescission in rescission authority based on reappropriations to offset future fiscal years with something written in English but unknowable to ordinary taxpayers." Said Republican House spokesmen Walt Dryer, "As we clearly state in our release, the civilian blimp fleet will be cut by almost 4 million dollars three years from now. That's at least two hanger closings but not the factory that makes mooring lines. Those have been outsourced to Costa Rica but new orders will be severely curtailed." Created in 1942, the civilian blimp fleet was designed as a backup to the military's blimp force. Once handled by the Office of Domestic Airships, the civilian blimp program was folded into the Department of Commerce in 1997. Employing over 6,500 people at 11 hangers around the country, the CBF stands ready to inflate and pilot seven M class blimps should the military ever use blimps again and those blimps become disabled by enemy action. Critics have called the cuts "heartless" and "extreme,"stating they are part of the Republican Party's "War on Blimps."
(Image: goask.com)

Porn Industry Concerned Over Government Shut-Down

VAN NUYS, CA - Internet porn producers fear a drop-off in traffic should the government close up shop. "They're our best customers," said Marty Zeefer, vice-president of Jugathon Productions. "There isn't a day goes by that a .gov computer isn't locked onto one of our sites for 20, 50, 170 minutes or more a visit. Government workers are number one at signing up for premium services and following numerous links to our affiliate sites. They're loyal customers and I'd hate to see a drop-off." When asked why the same employees wouldn't use home computers to access the same sites, Zeefer explained. "I used to work for the SEC, so I know whereof I speak: there's nothing sweeter than eyeballing hard-core porn on the public nickel. You wouldn't want to do it at home. It cuts into your hobbies."

NEA: Koran Burning Okay if 'Art'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commenting on the slaying of U.N. workers by an Afghan mob over the burning of a Koran, the National Endowment of the Arts stated the desecration might have been acceptable if done as a work of art. "Not that we would ever sponsor such a thing, and speaking theoretically, had the Koran been burned as part of a performance art piece or symbolically to show the fierce fires religion can ignite, then it might, possibly, have been within the bounds of innovative art," said NEA spokesman Martin O'Hara. O'Hara believes Pastor Terry Jones made a mistake when he burned the holy book as an exercise in free speech. "I'm not a lawyer, but I think free speech only applies to torching  American flags or dipping a crucifix in urine. There's a clear exemption for artifacts associated with a Religion of Peace." Asked if killing agnostic Europeans half a world away who had nothing to do with the incident seemed like a justifiable response, O'Hara paused thoughtfully. "I'm going to say 'yes' out of nuance and deep moral principle. Being called an 'Islamophobe' or getting slaughtered in public like an animal have nothing to do with my answer."

HHS Recommends Eating More Fish Killed by Underwater Explosions

'Dynamic Fishing' Best for Long Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The federal government unveiled dietary guidelines today that recommended eating more fish killed by underwater blasts. According to these latest guidelines, underwater shock waves cause fish to release healthy endorphins at the instant of death. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius reports that blasted fish bobbing to the surface are "marinated in a natural  sauce that's better for you and reduces the risk of cholesterol." Sebelius continued, "As part of the government's 'Boom Fish, Good Fish' program, Health and Human Services, in cooperation with the Army, is opening up the nation's hand grenade reserve to qualified persons. Old World War II pineapple grenades may now be flipped into oceans, lakes and freshwater rivers to create the nutritious fish that will best feed our children and elderly." Sebelius was quick to point out that 'dynamic fishing' need not be limited to grenades. "If people have the training and a proper license, than dynamite may be substituted as well as fertilizer bombs and military surplus depth charges." The Secretary elaborated that blasted fish were only part of a multi-pronged assault on obesity. "People should cut back on their salt and walk at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes, then go to the nearest dock and throw a grenade in the water. It all adds up to smart living." (Image: uvm.edu)

Brown Appoints Linda Ronstadt Secretary of Song

SACRAMENTO, CA - Governor Jerry Brown unleashed his very own blast-from-the-past, appointing former flame Linda Ronstadt to fill a newly created cabinet position. As California's Secretary of Song, Ronstadt, the former Queen of Rock, is now responsible for encouraging the use of singing in the workplace, the home, and at the opening of wind farms. "I will lead California to a new green prosperity," said the governor at a recent press conference, "while, at the same time, Linda will lead the state to a higher consciousness through pro-active melody." Brown defined 'pro-active melody' as "happy songs that make you glad to be paying some of the highest taxes in the nation."

Current state song, "I Love You, California," was written in 1913 by Francis Bernard Silverwood and became state song by law in 1988. Sources close to Brown feel the tune is corny and outdated with verses such as:

I love your old gray Missions - love your vineyards stretching far.
I love you, California, with your Golden Gate ajar.
I love your purple sun-sets, love your skies of azure blue.
I love you, California; I just can't help loving you.

One of the new Secretary's first tasks is hauling the state anthem into the 21st century. According to a Ronstadt spokesmen, the Grammy Award-winning singer is already hard at work in the studio, laying in a new track that jazzes up the old melody while modernizing the lyrics. The Secretary released a sample passage:

I love your old gray Missions - built by meddling monks.
I love the streets of 'Frisco, overrun with hostile drunks.
I love to watch small business, regulated and annoyed.
I love you, California; home to unions and unemployed.

However all is not harmony between the Governor and his new songstress. Insiders report Ronstadt resented not being Jerry Brown's first choice. Apparently, Brown wanted Lady Ga Ga as Secretary of Song. However the controversial artist was eliminated after meeting with the governor and responding to all his questions by dry humping a mop handle. (Images: pbs.org)