Murderer Convicted From Crime Scene Tattoo on Chest

Rhodes Scholar Anthony Garcia wishes he'd gotten this crime off his chest.

LOS ANGELES, CA - No satire here, just the surreal truth from Southern California. In addition to the above oopsie, Mr. Garcia used family members to cash his unemployment checks while in jail. The Golden State is, indeed, in excellent hands.
Image: L.A. Times

Ted Kaczynski Tweets

Wily Unabomber again one step ahead of Feds.

FLORENCE, CO - Embarrassed officials at U.S. Penitentiary ADX have refused comment on how Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has managed to connect with the Internet and begin Tweeting. "We've tossed his cell every day for two weeks now and can't find anything," said one corrections officer under condition of anonymity. "We believe he may be using some form of energized wood." Highly intelligent, Kaczynski's presence on the Web has further baffled officials due to the Unabomber's murderous anti-technological stance. Kaczynski is currently housed in a section of the supermax prison containing Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, Olympic Park Bomber Eric Rudolph, and 1993 World Trade Center bombing mastermind Ramzi Yousef. Known as 'Bomber's Row,' the prisoners are locked in their cells 23 hours a day with heavy supervision. "I don't know why or how he does it, but the guy's [Kaczynski] a major smartie," said another anonymous corrections officer. "He finished my kid's calculus homework in about four seconds. In exchange, I smuggled him in a Sierra Club calender. Don't tell anyone."

Here are several Kaczynski Tweets found on the Web.

ted_kboom Proud to say I have six-pack abs.

ted_kboom@nomorelights Good point re. no more electricity could mean return to whale oil; sad.

 ted_kboom Who saw The Lorax? Tell me all bout it.

ted_kboom@deepecodude Building a bike path is another form of industrial-technological rape. Send your city council a nice package.

ted_kboom I once wrote "you can't eat your cake and have it too." But now I think you can.

Images: Twitter and The Smoking Gun

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,'  President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes  this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting 

Inept Psychic Botches Numerous Criminal Cases

HOUSTON, TX - Police have cancelled a long-standing contract with forensic psychic Mysterioso the Mage, after he failed to solve a single crime in four years. Said Houston Police Department spokesman Perry Quinn, "You'd hand him evidence and he'd hold it up to his forehead like Johnny Carson doing that Carnac character. Then he'd announce a vision of the crime and the criminal and it would always be something that was on TV the night before."

Quinn could not say why Mysterioso was hired in the first place. "It's not like he had any relatives on the force or strong political connections. He was just a psychic with no psychic powers who managed to pull in a $160k a year for consulting—and delivered zip; nothing usable; not even accidentally. Maybe he mesmerized everyone. But that would make him a great psychic. I think everyone knew he stunk but no one had the heart to fire him."

In his most famous case, Mysterioso was called in to solve the kidnapping of a wealthy attorney's daughter. The psychic was handed a damp hair band from the missing girl. Holding it up to his forehead, Mysterioso announced that the victim was home, sleeping in her bed and that it had all been a foolish misunderstanding. When the girl was later rescued by Mounties from a storage bin in Alberta, Canada, Mysterioso blamed his failure on 'man-caused disbelief.'

Mysterioso declined all requests to be interviewed for this article. ('I already know what you're going to print. That is my blessing and curse. But I know it won't be all bad...right? I once predicted a small lottery win—$24. I blew it all on red licorice vines. Look at me! Am I worth an article on your pathetic little blog? You're recording all this aren't you? I knew that; knew it all along with my second sight. Okay. Bye. Is Americorps still hiring?')
Image: Wickipedia

Unabomber Looks Forward to Meeting Loughner

FLORENCE, CO - In a cell, Ted Kaczynski reads, writes, and hopes that Tucson shooting suspect Jared Loughner gets assigned to his federal supermax. "He's an idea guy," said Kaczynski via letter. "I heard about some of his grammar arguments and they reminded me of a young Noam Chomsky." Unable to speak with other prisoners, Kaczynski is nevertheless confident he could carry on communication with Loughner. "I'd send him a kite [prison letter]," said the Unabomber. "Let's face it, the other guys around here bore me stiff. They only want to talk about Dancing with the Stars and hiding hacksaw blades up their ass. I want a conversation with a little meat on it."

Kaczynski figures that shooting a congresswoman will land Loughner into federal court. The status and number of victims have already made him a high profile prisoner. Provided the younger man ducks the death penalty, Kaczynski is certain Loughner will be shipped to the Colorado supermax. "I hear he's an atheist, pot-smoking dude who likes The Communist Manifesto. Hell, it'll be just like talking to another professor at Berkeley. I can't wait." (Images: undueinfluence.com and atlasshrugs)

Serial Killers Hampered by Heavy Rains

SANTA ROSA, CA - Herman Belm had a body to discard but Mother Nature had other plans. "I threw this guy's husk into a drainage ditch," said Belm, who colorfully refers to bodies as 'husks.' "But the water level was so high, the husk got washed along about a mile then snagged on a bridge. Now anybody can see it." Belm's disposal dilemmas mirror those of dozens of California serial killers, forced to improvise during some of the worst rains ever to hit the Golden State. Belm has had victims escape his basement during black outs, seen his special manacle-equipped van wrecked in a flash flood, and lost his murder kit in deep mud. "I can't tell you how maddening this last week has been," moaned Belm. "I already believe everyone is against me and that I'm surrounded by numerous enemies. Then this storm rolls in and confirms every suspicion the voices have been telling me for years."

Other serial killers, though angry and frustrated, take a more philosophical approach. Gordon Zillmeiner, who kills migrant farm workers near Fresno, feels the rains are a sign. "I've been working so hard lately, plus the holidays. Maybe nature is telling me to ease off on the throttle a bit and enjoy life more." With another storm due to hit this weekend, Multiple Life Expungers like Belm and Zillmeiner must adapt as best they can. "My husk count is way down," raged Belm. "Hopefully it [incoming storm] won't last long. I'm ready to snap."(Images: associatedcontent; CNN)

US Outsources Death Drugs

Our lethal injection 'cocktails' are supplied by the British, doing the jobs Americans won't.

Polanski Denounces Assange as 'Sexual Creep'

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - The Ministry of Justice received an open letter from Roman Polanski, supporting Sweden in its attempt to extradite Julian Assange in connection with two cases of sexual assault. The award-winning, international film director urged prosecuting Wikileaks founder Assange as a way of upholding basic morality. Wrote Polanski:
"Dearest Government of Sweden:
Please try Julian Assange without mercy for his unbridled, callous actions. Have this depraved sexual creep thrown into your dankest prison where his fey, pale looks will ensure he is used like a prostitute aboard an aircraft carrier.
We in the arts community hold ourselves to a higher moral standard than society in general. (I attribute this to our greater sensitivity and empathy for others.) Thus artists everywhere were mortified that Assange would betray two woman, using them for his own selfish ends—an act unthinkable in cinema. Sweden has the opportunity—no!—the duty to show the world that notoriety and fame are no defense when it comes to elemental standards of decency.
I stand with the victims.
Roman Polanski
PS
If it is necessary to hide the victims for their own good, I have a spare room in my Swiss villa."
(Image: Celebrity Smack!)

Ft. Hood Report Blames 'Easy-Accesibility of Firearms'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A revised Department of Defense report on the November shooting of 14 people at Fort Hood has centered blame on the ready availability of firearms at U.S. Army bases. The report concluded: "While Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a radical Muslim, may have pulled the trigger while screaming 'Allahu akbar,' the greater fault lies with those who filled Ft. Hood with guns, turning it into an armed camp." The report's recommendations included a Tanks for Running Shoes buy back program and a "pledge to be taken by all soldiers, renouncing violence and embracing a smart, common sense approach to conflict resolution that sees all sides as friends who haven't bonded yet."

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

All Dolled Up

A man, strong drink and a Barbie car via The New York Times.

Graft Upgrade for Windy City

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Daley rues outdated corruption distribution system courtesy of The Onion.

Suicide Barrier Uses High-Voltage Grid, Lasers

SEATTLE, WA - In a bid to halt suicide jumpers leaping off the Aurora Bridge, Seattle has constructed a high-voltage suicide barrier protected by lasers and patrolled by thugs. "State-of-the-art," said Beal King, a city attorney. An eight-foot chain link fence along the Aurora pedestrian walkway is connected to the city's electrical grid. "Anyone tries climbing that barrier to jump will be cooked like a French Fry. And if some joker puts on thick rubber gloves and boots to beat the fence, they'll be cut in half by laser beams." According to King, the recession has allowed the city to assemble a cadre of unemployed, armed with ax handles. "A pedestrian on that walk-way who even looks like he's going to jump will get the beating of his life. I already checked the law. We're cool." Seattle's aggressive attempt to end suicide jumpers will be closely watched by San Francisco, home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the nation's most popular suicide spot. "'Frisco should take a page out of our book," said King. "People want to check out of life, fine. But they can't use the Aurora Bridge. And if they try, bad things will happen. So, that's bad compounded. Who wants that noise?"

Buddha Found Dead in Road

SANTA MONICA, CA - Police are investigating the murder of Gautama Buddha, also known as the "enlightened one," who was found beaten and strangled outside a meditation center on Ocean Park Boulevard. "We're thinking this was a crime of opportunity," said Detective Phil Gomez. "Maybe even a hate crime. Someone met the Buddha on Ocean Park, maybe didn't like his long ear lobes, or thought his beads were faggy or disliked pudgy people, whatever." Fourteen members of Divine Awakening Temple and Pilates are being detained for questioning. "They all claim to have been meditating at the time of the crime. We'll see," said Gomez. In addition, Gomez reported finding evidence that the victim may have brought the violence onto himself. "I came across a saying of his, 'If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.' Not to speak ill of the dead, but you shouldn't talk smack unless you can back it up. He couldn't. Now he's a dead, fat guy in a robe. Maybe he was born to suffer? Maybe we all are. Maybe he was born to run? I hope not. With all that weight he would've run flat into a heart attack. Then it wouldn't be murder and I could go home. But that's life for you." (Photo: raisengrrl)

City of Tel Aviv Added as Suspect in Dubai Killing

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Dubai's law enforcement has added the population of Tel Aviv to the list of suspects in the death of Hamas terrorist Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. "We have formally added an additional 393,900 suspects based on credit cards, passports, and a phone interview with John Walsh of America's Most Wanted," said the police chief. "Mr. Walsh was most helpful," stated Lt. Gen. Dahi Khalfan Tamim. "He said if we suspected Israelis, the suspects were probably from Israel. Until proven otherwise, we are listing all Tel Aviv as suspects. In addition, Ashdod and parts of Bat-Yam are right on the cusp of suspicion." Tamim has asked the Tel Aviv mayor to list the whereabouts of the population on the day of al-Mabhouh's killing back in January. "If they've done nothing wrong, they have nothing to fear," said the general, who hopes to clear everyone by 2017. "My men are paid by the hour, so this could take awhile."

Lockerbie Bomber Plagued by Gout, Polo Injuries

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - The man who blew up Pan Am Flight 103 has contracted gout from a rich diet, causing swelling to his left big toe which, in turn, has prevented him from wearing proper boots while playing polo, resulting in further injuries. Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi was released last year from a Scottish prison on compassionate grounds that had nothing to do with Libyan oil contracts. "Purely a medical decision," said one government insider. "Al-Megrahi was dying of prostrate cancer and we wanted him with his family as opposed to being blown to pieces in mid-air." Now living with his wife and grown children in a swank, two-story villa in a wealthy Tripoli suburb, Al-Megrahi's polo game has suffered because of the gout, leading to a fall off his horse last week that left bruises and a final chukker unplayed. "He suffers so much," said the insider. "Last week, he could barely sip Tomato Florentine, and his Salmon Alfredo went untouched. The public should know that Al-Megrahi is paying for the murder of 253 people and that oil has nothing to do with any of this. Did I say that already? Then it must be doubly so." (Photo: Wickipedia.)

Polanski Wins at Berlin for 'Ghost Molester'

BERLIN, GERMANY - Roman Polanski has won best director at the Berlin Film Festival for his film, Ghost Molester, a saga about a filmmaker who discovers he has the power to sexually molest young female spirits. "I don't know what made me think of the subject matter," said Polanski by phone from Switzerland. In the film, the protagonist is harassed by supernatural entities who object to his predatory actions. Forced to flee his home in Los Angeles, the protagonist takes refuge in a haunted Swiss chalet. Showered with rewards for his work throughout Europe, the filmmaker spends his days forcibly sodomizing a teenage girl spirit. "I suppose it is a bit autobiographical," laughed Polanski. "But the beauty of my idea is that there is no law against raping a ghost. In fact, if you're a successful filmmaker, there's no law against rape in the artistic community. Certainly no stigma. Too bad I can't return to LA and be tried by film festival judges. I'd be set free and handed a 13-year-old cheerleader. But that's show biz."

Dubai Assassination Linked to Rogue Kiwanis Club

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Two men who participated in the January killing of a Hamas terrorist have been identified as belonging to a splinter group of the Kiwanis Club known as 'Black Kiwanis.' Little is known about this sinister service organization, formed in 1996 by disgruntled Kiwanians who wanted a little action with their charitable work. Dubai Police stated two men caught on security cameras were known BK operatives Heave Donner and Abel Klopperheim. Both men were traveling under forged Icelandic passports listing their occupations as 'glacier wrangler' and 'cod instructor.' According to Interpol, Donner and Klopperheim have been linked to several murder-for-charitable-donation acts in Spain and Wales as well as using blackmail and extortion to raise scholarship funds for needy children. The two men departed Dubai the day after the killing on a flight to Lapland and have since been lost to authorities. Dubai Police refused to speculate if the other members of the assassination team were Black Kiwanis or just innocent people who liked to follow terrorist arms dealers. "We must remain open to all possibilities," said an anonymous source within Dubai law enforcement. "And that would include suicide and faking strangulation. To be honest, we don't get many murders in Dubai and no one wants to kill the job - so to speak." (Gif: Public Domain Photos.)

Excerpt from Amy Bishop's Novel

HUNTSVILLE, AL - INI has obtained an excerpt from scientist/shooter Amy Bishop's unpublished novel Jerkville, about a scientist named Andrea Bissop who conducts important research vital to humanity while set upon by annoying jerks, maliciously denying her needs.

Chapter Four: A Hush Over Macy's

"I was wondering if you have this pattern in more of an azure?"

Andrea fidgeted in irritation as the clerk checked a pattern book. Didn't this woman know she was Professor Andrea Bissop? Finally, after several seconds that felt like hours to Andrea, that clerk closed the book. "I'm so sorry, but this line of towels only comes in one color."

Frustrated, Andrea pulled out a Glock .40 from her oversized handbag, racked the slide, and double-tapped the surprised clerk. With a pair of vertical holes in her forehead, the clerk crumbled to the floor like a dropped napkin. "I need azure," screamed Andrea. The spent brass struck the department store floor with a metallic 'ting.' "Nothing else matches the tile, you stupid slab of meat! I hope they teach you color scheme in Hell, just before they stuff your fat head in a bucket of shit forever!"

A quiet fell over Macy's. There were muffled screams and 9-11 cell phone calls as Andrea made her way to the exit, pausing only to inspect a soap dish shaped like a sleeping cat. Cute. It never ended: incompetence, annoying bug-like people, defiance. One did what one could.

Out on the sidewalk, two cops jumped from a patrol car, pistols leveled at Andrea. "Drop your handbag and eat sidewalk, bitch!" shouted the younger cop. His older partner looked carefully at Andrea, "Are you Professor Andrea Bissop?"

"That's correct. Is there a problem?"

"No, ma'am," said the older cop, motioning her partner to lower his weapon. "Someone defy you in Macy's?"

"A clerk. I handled it. Will there be anything else?"

"We're not letting her go?" said the younger man. His partner chuckled. "You got a lot to learn, kid. That's Professor Andrea Bissop. She does important scientific work, sorta like Ted Kaczynski. Plus she voted for President Obama, so you know she's not just smart, but real smart. Smart people got a different morality from regular folks. They see things from so many different angles that it's wrong to judge them by our crude, untutored lights. If they want to shoot people, even family members, then its probably for a real good reason. A smart reason."

Andrea smiled at the young cop's confusion as he lowered his pistol. He'd learned a valuable lesson today. Just as her boss at the lab would soon learn a valuable lesson about performance reviews. Smiling at the older cop, Andrea asked, "Officer? Do you know if there's a hardware store close-by? I have to buy a gross of nails and a pound of rat poison."

IRS To Tax Multiple Personalities

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has ruled the IRS possesses statutory authority to tax any additional personalities living within schizophrenics or people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. "Finally, these mental freeloaders will pay their fair share," said IRS spokesperson Adrian Philomon. "We hope to work closely with psychiatrists and mental health facilities to ferret out these cheaters who are burdening their fellow Americans through non-compliance." Philomon citred an example. "Suppose a man named Miller had multiple personalities named Zarkone the Terrible, Mrs. Lampley, and Little Billy Hodge. Miller would be required to list Zarkone and Mrs Lampley as either co-workers, or principle wage earners, if they were the dominant personality in the workplace. A minor such as Little Billy Hodge must be listed as a dependent, but could also be claimed as a deduction. We're not heartless." Philomon stated that cases involving demonic possession were slightly different. "If the possessed is not delivered prior to April 15, and no extension is filed by the priest, minister or rabbi, then the demonic entities would be liable to file income tax. The important thing is that everyone pay their fair share, except Treasury Secretary Geithner. He can use Turbo Tax...or not."