SACRAMENTO, CA - Projected to run billions over budget, California's bullet train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco is moving forward thanks to a combination of vision, federal money, and good old-fashioned stupidity. "California has always been about the vision," said Leon Wicker, chief of pilates and yoga for the California High-Speed Rail Authority, the agency set up by Governor Jerry Brown to oversee construction. "Federal money will help some but after that you're dealing with a state teetering on bankruptcy. Our bonds suck. Agencies are seeing their budgest slashed more than a Freddy Krueger movie. But Jerry Brown's going ahead and building a railroad. And for that you need a far-thinking, tough stupidity."
Slated to be finished in 2033 and requiring an estimated 98 billion dollars—3 times the projected cost—the 520-mile line connecting two major California cities will first link Bakersfield to a desolate region south of Chowchilla, located in a region officially referred to as 'crap junction.' Said Wicker, "That 130-mile stretch will cost 6 billion and connect Bakersfield to a field of dust south of a town no one wants to visit. Then the federal money runs out. So where does a broke state find the cash to complete a seemingly useless, unpopular project? A regular guy might not even start if you can barely pay cops and fireman. But see, that's where underpants-on-your-head stupidity comes in."
Proponents of the rail believe the project will create a 100,000 new government jobs, mostly in the fields of fianance, legal, the environment and sex workers. In addition, Governor Jerry Brown has indicated that despite his age—73—he will be present one way or the other when the project is completed. Said Dever Biforn of the Friends of High-Speed Rail: "We're working with some Russians from the Kremlin who oversee the preservation of Lenin. We hope to have Governor Brown stuffed and encased in glass, overlooking the railroad that he stupidly set out to build."
Biforn gleefully mentioned it was even possible Brown could still be governor in 2033. Under California law it is illegal to discriminate against dead people by denying them political office even when they are sealed in glass and stuffed with straw.
First link in the chain—end point of Bakersfield to Chowchilla line.