Friday, November 25, 2011

Army Training Will Incorporate Wal-Mart Mayhem

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Impressed by customer violence unleashed during Black Friday, Pentagon officials have announced talks with Wal-Mart CEO Mike Dukes over using the retail giant to prepare soldiers for combat. Said Army spokesman Major Lee Douglas, "Training must be rigorous and realistic in order to save lives. The U.S. Army believes no location better acclimatizes soldiers to the brute savergery of war than a Wal-Mart limited offer sale for a $2 waffle maker."

As the Pentagon budget faces cuts from a cost-strapped congress, Maj. Douglas believes pitting troops against Wal-Mart shoppers will be 'win-win.' He explained, "We can practice escape and evasion by having men egress the video section through a hostile mob with an Xbox controller. Our chemical weapons training will receive a boost by having soldiers grab a Wii game then catch a blast of pepper spray."

While negotiations are still underway, Wal-Mart spokesman Melonie McNeil was cautiously optimistic. "As a rule, Wal-Mart, like most retail establishments, isn't proud of near riots and in-store gunfights. But from the Army standpoint, that's a real plus."
Image: Smartstun 

h/t: VaiTomarN0Cu

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