Corzine Channels Uncle Billy from 'Wonderful Life'

Like Uncle Billy, Corzine's mind is all a jumble.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former CEO Jon Corzine referenced popular Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life by comparing himself to the character of Uncle Billy. “I made a stupid mistake,” said Corzine, during testimony Thursday before a subcommittee of the House Financial Services Committee. “I had 1.2 billion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and was taking it to deposit when I ran into a crabby old man in a wheelchair. I showed him my paper for a brief moment and, the next thing you know, the money was missing.”

Corzine prepares to tie a string around his finger.

Corzine presided over the bankruptcy of commodities brokerage MF Global and has been unable to identify the ‘crabby old man’ whom he claimed stole 1.2 billion dollars in customer funds. “I’d know him if I saw him again,” said the former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey. “In fact, I’m tying a string around my finger right now to remind me to turn that fellow in the next time he shows up.”

Corzine also attempted to dispel a rumor that every time a bell rings, a Goldman Sachs executive gets caught ripping people off. “That’s simply untrue,” said Corzine. “I’d tell you why but I can’t remember. Oh, my mind is all so muddled.”
 Images: cracked and businessinsider

Monkey Island Now Called 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island'

A monkey pauses from defecating to swat a zoo keeper.

 TAMPA, FL - After a recent escape by twenty-nine monkeys, the Fort Hardy Wildlife Preserve announced they have changed the name of their Monkey Island to reflect a more mature appreciation of the animal's characteristics. "We're calling it 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island' so people know what they're dealing with," said zoo president Curtis Naylor. "The new signs are up already." Naylor's attitude stems from incidents subsequent to the animals' escape. According to local news sources, the beasts swam across a moat, then ran wild through the grounds, defecating on cars, flinging feces at zoo patrons, and smearing feces across the ground as if finger-painting, picking out bits of seed then eating it.

In addition, monkeys raided the Giraffe Grill and stole pizza and cups of French Fries which they proceeded to eat, defecate and re-eat. Another monkey was observed having sex with a coin-operated telescope.

"This place was hell on greased wheels," recalled Naylor. "It was like a fire in a dormitory for the blind. We finally got the monkeys back across the moat but it was pure chaos with a chaser of disgust." Naylor originally wanted to rename the enclosure 'Nasty Ass, Crap-Eating Monkey Island' but was denied by the zoo's board of directors.

"Buncha do-nothing weaklings," snorted Naylor, referring to the directors. "I got push-back on the new name but put it up anyway." Naylor was unable to designate the species contained on the island. "Beats me. Is there a special crap-eating monkey? If so, then we got it here in spades."
Image: A. L.O. P.

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,'  President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes  this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting 

Army Training Will Incorporate Wal-Mart Mayhem

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Impressed by customer violence unleashed during Black Friday, Pentagon officials have announced talks with Wal-Mart CEO Mike Dukes over using the retail giant to prepare soldiers for combat. Said Army spokesman Major Lee Douglas, "Training must be rigorous and realistic in order to save lives. The U.S. Army believes no location better acclimatizes soldiers to the brute savergery of war than a Wal-Mart limited offer sale for a $2 waffle maker."

As the Pentagon budget faces cuts from a cost-strapped congress, Maj. Douglas believes pitting troops against Wal-Mart shoppers will be 'win-win.' He explained, "We can practice escape and evasion by having men egress the video section through a hostile mob with an Xbox controller. Our chemical weapons training will receive a boost by having soldiers grab a Wii game then catch a blast of pepper spray."

While negotiations are still underway, Wal-Mart spokesman Melonie McNeil was cautiously optimistic. "As a rule, Wal-Mart, like most retail establishments, isn't proud of near riots and in-store gunfights. But from the Army standpoint, that's a real plus."
Image: Smartstun 

h/t: VaiTomarN0Cu

Feds Raid Kazoo Factory

WICHITA, KA - In a stirring lunch-time raid, heavily armed Fish and Wildlife Service agents stormed the Kutler Brothers Kazoo Works, confiscating several pallets of plastic kazoos, software, and a book on the principles of humming. Said Justice Department spokesman Barbara Wells, "This action had nothing to do with the Kutler brothers donating to the Republican Party. Nothing whatsoever." When pressed as to why the Justice Department seized the kazoos Wells said she was not allowed to comment on an ongoing investigation. Nevertheless, she offered this clarification: "It goes without saying that everything done by the Justice Department since 2009 has been done for the children of American. Just because another kazoo factory in a different state is run by a Democrat and never gets raided by the federal government is no reason to make hasty comparisons. So stop hinting around that this is all political or something." Unofficial sources state the raid was part of a crackdown on "breath-operated wind instruments" that may have been constructed by Republican donors in violation of the 2010 Kazoo Safety and Approved Fun Act.
Images: journal.livingfood.us & aues21.dsl.pipex.com

Porn Industry Concerned Over Government Shut-Down

VAN NUYS, CA - Internet porn producers fear a drop-off in traffic should the government close up shop. "They're our best customers," said Marty Zeefer, vice-president of Jugathon Productions. "There isn't a day goes by that a .gov computer isn't locked onto one of our sites for 20, 50, 170 minutes or more a visit. Government workers are number one at signing up for premium services and following numerous links to our affiliate sites. They're loyal customers and I'd hate to see a drop-off." When asked why the same employees wouldn't use home computers to access the same sites, Zeefer explained. "I used to work for the SEC, so I know whereof I speak: there's nothing sweeter than eyeballing hard-core porn on the public nickel. You wouldn't want to do it at home. It cuts into your hobbies."

Lindsey Graham New Spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows

WASHINGTON, D.C. - When his senate days end Lindsey Graham has a new job lined up as spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows, thanks to his call for punishing Americans who burn a Koran. "When we heard a United States Senator asking a man be held responsible for torching a Muslim religious book, we knew he was our guy," said Kraft spokesman Arnold Holton. "Our 16 ounce package of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows are so soft and billowy that only a man with a similar spine could do the product justice." South Carolina Republican Senator Graham hasn't officially accepted the position, but Holton is confident Kraft will prevail. "You can't offer a senator money. But you can offer the one thing they crave more than anything—media face time. In any case, if Graham passes we can always get Chuck Schumer."
(Image: Meijer.com)

Sales Slow for 'The Bridge' Board Game

SAN FRANCISCO, CA  - A board game based on the 2006 documentary film The Bridge has failed to gain traction for the third week in a row. Retail domestic sales remain stagnant for the Happy Time Fun product based on a movie about people leaping to their deaths from the Golden Gate Bridge. "Board games with a goal of committing suicide have never been huge sellers in the American market," said entertainment writer Leah Vanny. Vanny cited the fate of 1966 Japanese import Seppuku. Featuring a polished maple board and delicately-carved sandstone pieces, Seppuku was set in a cave on Saipan. Players assumed the roles of surrounded Japanese soldiers who must outwit each other in order to obtain a grenade they need to blow themselves up. Losers were captured by American Marines and endured shame. The game appeared in select U.S. stores the day after Thanksgiving and disappeared completely by mid-December. Vanny feels a similar fate awaits Happy Time Fun's dour product. "I think they really overestimated the popularity of the film."
Bound for Glory

In The Bridge game, players move simple wooden tokens across a board version of the Golden Gate Bridge. Rolling dice determines how many squares you may move. The object is to outmaneuver bridge security, the California Highway Patrol, Cal-Trans workers, religious suicide prevention groups, and concerned pedestrians in order to leap off the bridge. Players must then roll to see how they fared post-impact. Vanny explained, "Depending on the roll, there's either no afterlife, a very specific afterlife with judgement, or a California afterlife minus judgement but with a commitment to sustainable eternity." Several calls to Happy Time Fun Product's Delaware headquarters went unanswered. An email press release from the company stated they were  "collating additional market studies or something." Vanny concluded, "I think they've [Happy Time Fun Products] learned their lesson. Still, negative press could hurt their upcoming launch of the board game for Angela's Ashes." (Image: Wickipedia)

Indian Casino Offers Loose Slots, Kali Worship

SANTA BARBARA, CA -A mistake in California law has allowed a New Delhi high priest to open a casino/temple featuring Pai Gow Poker and worship of the goddess Kali. "I applied for a license and said I was Indian," said owner Gopal Tilak. "Truly, there was no falsehood." Tilak's Lucky Kali Casino combines family-friendly gaming with teaching gamblers reconciliation to death and cosmic acceptance. "Some of our most generous slots are located in a special low-light section designed to look like a crematorium," explained Tilak. "Traditionally, this is the best place to show courage and face Kali but no one would go there if they couldn't win a few bucks."

Ultimately, Tilak's goal is to assist the public on their reincarnation climb. "Many of our patrons are low caste, meaning they were born in such a state because of past sins. But if they gamble at the Lucky Kali, they could become wealthy and ascend to a higher caste. If not, they will live out a brute existence of ignorance and fear." Tilak paused, peering around the busy floor with its noisy slot machines and cocktail girls wearing ornate headdresses and costumes with extra arms. "We are better than any Laughlin casino and almost better than Buffalo Bill's in Primm. I adore Kali, but there they have the car in which Bonnie and Clyde were shot. So many bullet holes. And Clyde's shirt is there too. But Clyde is not there. He has been reconciled with Kali." (Image: indhistory.com)

Exotic After-Christmas Bargains

Not everything sells. Ask the man who invented the Joy Behar sex doll. But in this post-Christmas period, let overstock be your friend. Get out and take advantage of certain rare and unusual gifts that didn't beckon to the general public but will appeal to the discriminating INI reader.

SNACKS FROM THE RACE TRACK
Popcorn, chips and Slim Jims all mixed together and cured with cigarette smoke; wrapped in an authentic racing form. Perfect for the family member who has read too much Charles Bukowski.

BABOON CRIB
Identical to a infant crib except the bars are made of tungsten steel and there's a cage top also made of steel. Inside features a water bowl and flea-ridden carpet. Good for exceptionally wild kids or a real baboon if you have one. Comes with a banana mobile.

ROBOT HEAD WITH EYE RAYS
Thank you again, Japan. This dashing conversation piece is an exact likeness of Imperial Army Col. Kiyonao Ichiki who shot himself after losing a battle to U.S. Marines on Guadalcanal. The head emanates a soft glow that makes it an excellent night light. However it periodically fires low-intensity lasers from its eyes that can ignite furniture if left on too long. There is a way to regulate the lasers but the instructions are in Japanese.

BACKYARD HOMELESS SHELTER
Inflatable shelter is similar to birthday bouncers but with folding cots, extra large coffee urn, AA literature, and sand-filled coffee cans for butts. Isn't equipped with homeless but, as the man said, if you build it they will come.

Newsweek Purchased by Bondage Magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Struggling Newsweek has been bought by adult publication Bondage Weekly for an undisclosed sum. BW publisher Sid Shacklesworth intends taking the 70-year old news magazine in a new direction. "From now on, we'll be doing stories on people who are tied up and liking it. Maybe we'll keep some of the fruity opinion stuff for branding or something." Newsweek editor Jon Meacham blamed the magazine's demise on an accelerated newscycle, a failed redesign and a sea of red ink. "You can't lose money forever. But we sure tried." Changing the publication's name to Newsstrap, Shacklesworth asked Meacham to appear on the first cover trussed up in leather belts with a rubber ball in his mouth. "We thought it might be a fun way to transition." Meacham declined, deeply involved in his new job as editor of Farm Journal. "I wanted to put Obama on the cover, but the publisher said I had to use soy beans. That's journalism for you."

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

Olbermann Ratings Top Volcano Cam

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Delighted MSNBC executives celebrated as talker Keith Olbermann's Countdown show outdrew a video camera showing images of the Iceland volcano. "Viewers wanted something hotter and that was Keith," crowed MSNBC assistant VP David Tinnear. The volcano video is being aired on rival CNN. Still smarting from a recent beat-down at the hands of the Circus News Channel, CNN has been described by insiders as 'free-falling' as they scramble for shrinking audience share. Said one anonymous source, "At this point, putting up a volcano 24/7 wasn't hurting us. In fact, we picked up Lava Soap as an advertiser. Hopefully, viewers will return to CNN now that we're willing to try anything." As for MSNBC, Tinnear says they may expand Countdown to 4 hours a night, Monday through Friday. "You reinforce success. Clearly, people are choosing Keith over other non-Fox cable options."

Blind Lust

Via Drudge: Porn magazine for the blind relies on feelings.

Downsizing Disasters

Cracked considers cases of criminal understaffing.

Warners Jumps On 3-D 'Night of the Lepus'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Warner Bros. announced plans to remake sci-fi bomb, Night of the Lepus. The 1972 story of giant rabbits attacking humans in the Arizona desert will be done over in 3-D. "You'll think big, flesh-eating bunnies just jumped in your popcorn," laughed Warner marketing spokesman Dori Ross. Using an expensive 3-D process to rejuvenate a bad film seems risky, but Ross was confident new 'Lepus' will soar. "We're going all-in with the environmental message. Instead of old school fears like overpopulation, we're breaking new ground by attacking soft drink manufacturers. Sodas are the new tobacco." In the 2010 version, the only people killed by giant rabbits are those drinking cans, bottles, and liters of soda. Often, soda-drinking characters escape by hiding, but a carbonated belch gives them away and they're slain by rabbits. Characters drinking spring water or natural fruit juices always escape, no matter how desperate their straits. Said Ross, "We think there's action galore for the teen male demographic and subtle nuanced politics for older female audiences. Still, we need to sneak in a message that sodas are Okay provided you're watching this movie."

Young Urban Drivers Dig Backhoes

SEATTLE, WA - Worried over sticking gas pedals, 20-something urban drivers are ditching Toyotas in favor of the John Deere backhoe. These mobile excavators, sporting a digging bucket and a two-part articulated arm, now dot parking lots of universities, law offices, and software design firms from San Francisco to Boston. "I had safety concerns with my Prius," said University of Washington law student Patricia Newman. "But my backhoe is super dependable and you can carry books and groceries in the bucket so its green too." Backhoe owner Gary Bruno, a video game developer at Bungie, enjoys helping out at construction sites. "Sometimes heading home from work I'll pull over and assist a county road crew digging up pipe. They don't always appreciate it, but it gives me an awesome feeling." John Deere officials, delighted with the upswing in sales, are puzzled over the backhoe's popularity. Said company spokesperson Howell Gorman, "This isn't something I'd take out to get a latte macchiato, but whatever." Responding to customer demand, John Deere has issued its first teal backhoe. Gorman states they have additional models coming out in peach and coral. "Too bad the kids didn't take a shine to harvesters. We make a great one with a shredding straw system. But they'd have a hell of a time getting into office parking spaces and malls, so there's that." (Photo: Public Equipment)

Scientology Sea Org to Battle Somali Pirates

CLEARWATER, FL - A spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International announced its Sea Organization is en route to Africa to fight Somali pirates. Departing from Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles, the elite church members sailed aboard the Freewinds, a former cruise ship sporting 3-inch navy surplus guns and a cargo hold filled with L. Ron Hubbard books and Dianetics literature. Said spokesperson Lyle Divoton, "The church is eager to keep the seaways safe as well as offer any captured pirates a free personality test."

Crewed by OT VIII (Operating Thetans Level 8), Scientology's highest level, the Freewinds hoped to reach the Indian Ocean by mid-April and commence naval operations, consisting of patrols and broadcasting the soundtrack from Battlefield Earth. "Hopefully, we can lure pirates aboard with the promise of meeting Tom Cruise, then convince them to undertake auditing that will expose personality flaws and traumas." Divot added, "This auditing can be very expensive, so we may allow the pirates to keep raiding until they finally pay for enough courses to be clear of all engrams. Then they can paint the smokestack while they work through their OT levels. Between us, they'll never see Tom Cruise except on YouTube, but keep mum on that."

Circus News Channel Outdraws CNN

LAS VEGAS, NV - Prime-time CNN hosts continue to shed viewers as they lost audience to the Circus News Channel for the first time in network history. Even with healthcare expansion and Haiti coverage, CNN was solidly outdrawn, despite CNC's narrow focus on events of interest to the circus community. Larry King took the biggest hit, plummeting 52 percent in March from 2009, losing in the ratings 26 times to Big Top Headlines at 9 with Walleye the Clown. Even powerhouse CNN anchor Anderson Cooper sustained a beating, losing 46 percent of the key 25 -to-54-year-old demographic to Around the Ring, a panel show of ringmasters, lion tamers and acrobats discussing recent changes in circus law. Said one CNN executive, "There's nothing wrong with our model. We're not changing a thing." However CNN sources confirm that Campbell Brown's 8 p.m. slot has been given to CNC's Hot-Mouth Mike, current host of All Things Sideshow and a noted fire eater capable of projecting flame over 18 feet. Mike's agent wouldn't confirm the move, but did report that CNC's Harney the Geek had been rejected as a host by CNN as being "too similar to Rick Sanchez."