FCC Reclassifies Broadband as Telegraph Lines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genachowski has reclassifed broadband providers as telegraph lines in a bid to regulate the world wide web and save it from Indian attack. "My goal is to protect consumers by making it more difficult for Indians to cut the Internet, or 'singing wire' as they call it, and deprive school children of access to Wikipedia." In a far reaching bid, Genachowski hopes to provide universal access to the web. "My model is government intervention in housing sales. Hopefully, I can leave the Internet in the same shape as the sub-prime market." In the future, the FCC intends to also regulate semaphore and anyone rapping out 'shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits.'