Wednesday, May 5, 2010
NEW YORK CITY, NY - An official with the Food and Drug Administration blamed high levels of sodium for Faisel Shahzad's attempted car bombing in Times Square. "We know salt-heavy diets threaten millions of Americans," said FDA spokesman Walt Meter. "Thus its entirely possible Shahzad, crazed by thirst from excessive salt, planted his bomb in a sodium-frenzy." Meter dismissed reports questioning sodium-intake health risks as "fiction put out by Big Salt." Meter felt blaming Shahzad's actions on Islamic jihad was "simplistic and fodder for racists," instead focusing on the need for the FDA to regulate the 600 billion dollar food and beverage market. "Do you really want to see children start the day with cracked lips because cereal manufacturers placed too much salt in their raisin bran? Do you want to see kids grow up addicted to the salt licks that will appear on every street lamp in this country if we do nothing now?" Meter called for the immediate banning of the Morton Salt Umbrella Girl, referring to the iconic image as "Joe Camel in drag."