Sunday, March 27, 2011

Libyan War Good For Calorie Reduction

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked summary of the President's speech tomorrow night states that weight loss will be included as a rationale for the new conflict. Said media analyst Len Parrish, "The summary mentions that losing calories, while not the sole reason for the Libyan attack, factors in heavily." Parrish adds that the First Lady's War on Childhood Obesity is included among the reasons President Obama launched air and missile strikes against Libyan forces. According to the summary, the President's speech will reference a Department of Agriculture claim that tension levels in combat and combat support units often lead to a loss of appetite, thus a slimmer, leaner military. In addition, civilian worries about loved ones in harm's way can act as a catalyst for a common-sense weight reduction program.

Parrish claims Administration sources will use tomorrow's night's speech as a springboard for a new government program: Drop Bombs and Pounds. Under the guidance of the First Lady and the USDA, the program will build upon themes contained in the speech to convince the American people that three wars going at once can be a positive weight loss step. In the near future, Drop Bombs and Pounds will advertise heavily on TV and the Internet promoting catch phrases such as:

War Actually Is Quite Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

No Calories For Corn Oil

Don't Let a Crisis Go to Waist
(Image: fresh! healthy vending)

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