FDA Blames NY Bombing on Excess Salt

NEW YORK CITY, NY - An official with the Food and Drug Administration blamed high levels of sodium for Faisel Shahzad's attempted car bombing in Times Square. "We know salt-heavy diets threaten millions of Americans," said FDA spokesman Walt Meter. "Thus its entirely possible Shahzad, crazed by thirst from excessive salt, planted his bomb in a sodium-frenzy." Meter dismissed reports questioning sodium-intake health risks as "fiction put out by Big Salt." Meter felt blaming Shahzad's actions on Islamic jihad was "simplistic and fodder for racists," instead focusing on the need for the FDA to regulate the 600 billion dollar food and beverage market. "Do you really want to see children start the day with cracked lips because cereal manufacturers placed too much salt in their raisin bran? Do you want to see kids grow up addicted to the salt licks that will appear on every street lamp in this country if we do nothing now?" Meter called for the immediate banning of the Morton Salt Umbrella Girl, referring to the iconic image as "Joe Camel in drag."

Task Force Adds Congress to Childhood Obesity Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A task force set up to facilitate Michelle Obama's Childhood Obesity Initiative has expanded to include members of Congress. Said Parker Ney, spokesman for the 'Let's Move' campaign: "We realized our plan had forgotten the pudgiest toddlers on the planet - members of the House and Senate." The First Lady was not pleased with the inclusion of Congress but the task force persisted. Explained Ney, "They [Congress] are so very porcine. At the same time, its difficult to think of them as adults." Citing a fattening diet of pork and special sweets snatched from the palms of lobbyist friends, Ney hoped to reduce the congressmen within two election cycles through actions such as vigorous exercise incorporating long walks away from public office. "It'll be tough. Some haven't had their great, fleshy heads out of the federal trough in decades. But with the public's help plus counseling, support and a newsletter, we can watch our Congress go from Michelin-obese to a smaller size. Maybe just big and fat."

Rare Irish Dish Combines Corned Beef and Resentment

LOS ANGELES, CA - With St. Patrick's Day around the corner, families may wish to celebrate with these authentic dishes from the Emerald Isle via the Kwabler family. These rare recipes aren't found in any cookbook, but have been passed down over generations by my Irish relatives. So give one a try and savor the Celtic experience.

1. Corned beef and Resentment - Traditional corned beef prepared with a simmering side dish of antagonism over a past wrong, real or imagined, heated to a furious boil in the mind's crock pot.

2. Jameson and Air - Irish whiskey poured into a jelly tumbler and gulped at the dinner table while the rest of the family nervously eats something boiled.

3. Soda Bread and Shunning - Cooked for 70 minutes in a 9x5 loaf pan, the bread is served warm only to yourself since no one else at the table exists anymore.

4. Potatoes and Potatoes - Fine white, boiled potatoes, mashed up and presented on a bed of starchy tubers. For authentic flavoring, eat with a salted wooden spoon.

5. Cabbage and Violence - A boiled head of cabbage thrown across the table and followed up by a punch. Traditionally served during after-dinner card games and political discussions.

FarmVille Acquires Agricultural Subsidies

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Popular Facebook simulation game FarmVille has added federal farm subsidies, driving smaller plots into bankruptcy and favoring large agribusinesses. "We've tried to model our sim after USDA programs," said Albie Peck of Zynga, creators of FarmVille. "With that in mind, handouts are available to growers of wheat, cotton, corn, rice and Teddy Bears. Largess is also dished out to farmers who join Facebook's Conservation Reserve Program. By allowing your plots to go fallow, you receive a subsidy in farm dollars while driving up the price of your neighbors crops." Bigger is better in the new FarmVille, adds Peck. Players may pursue the traditional path of acquiring more neighbors, experience points, and gifts in order to purchase additional land or else donate real money to the FarmVille Growers Association. FGA members are automatically elevated to agribusiness level, enrolled in a political action committee, and given farm dollar subsides which lower prices, encouraging bucolic avatars to plant even more crops, driving down the price and increasing subsidies. In addition, Peck encouraged gamers to divide their plots into shell farms incorporated under the names of their children and apply for individual subsidies. "Like the USDA, we don't really check," says Peck. "And if we did, we wouldn't find anything wrong." Peck states Zynga is considering subsidizing herds of elephants. "There's been push back within the company. Some people are afraid we'll turn subsidies into a joke."

FDA Bans Gingerbread Men Over Cannibalism Fear

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Called a 'gateway food,' gingerbread men have been banned by the Food and Drug Administration because they may lead to cannibalism. "The science is in," said FDA spokesperson Hennesy Horner. "It stands to reason that if you eat a gingerbread man, you're practising for the day when you can dine on human flesh." Horner stated children are most at-risk, vulnerable to social pressure to devour gingerbread men and make screaming noises. "Naturally, we can expect this [FDA] decision to be called into question by those in the pay of Big Gingerbread and the Cannibal Lobby. They'll stop at nothing." The FDA insists it has no desire to go after gingerbread made in cookie sheets. "We're not zealots," said Horner. "Just a large federal bureaucracy with unsinkable jobs and piles of your money to spend." (Photo:howardcountymuseum.org)

Zombies Face Brain Tax

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hidden within Speaker Pelosi's healthcare bill is a new tax on eating brains that has infuriated the undead community. "This is rank discrimination," stated attorney Charles Beamon, undead spokesperson. "My clients are deceased, voiceless except for grunts, low moans and snarls. This makes them easy targets for punitive taxation." In addition, Beamon stated the healthcare bill ignored zombie dietary needs. "They only eat one thing. Serve 'em brains and a salad and they'll eat the brains. Sure, the bill mentions 'brain co-ops,' and 'private cranial options,' but there is serious doubt the government can deliver. If zombies could talk they'd probably have a saying like: 'all shuffle and no bite.' That's what we think of this plan." Beamon added that the undead plan a march on Washington within the month, where they hope to meet Speaker Pelosi and eat her brains. "If they can find any," joked Beamon. "Just kidding. Hope that's not a hate crime." (Photo: hotwallpaper.co.cc)

Vegan Council Okays Bacon Bits

MARIN, CA - In a controversial move, the governing council of Vegans United Against Meat (VUAM) has stated bacon bits don't really constitute animal flesh, and are approved for salads. "Bacon bits are small, hard, crunchy things," said council member Aaron Pelton. "We believe they're a totally manufactured product. Meat, on the other hand, is moist, tender and succulent - that is, as far as I recall." Opponents of the decision are furious. According to member Naomi Tidalpool, "This [council ruling] has seriously compromised VUAM's ability to lecture the public on their primitive savagery." Pelton, however, remained adamant. "Our decision stands. If the zealots don't like it, let them form their own group." Pelton stated VUAM would now examine the practice of selling dispensations for Thanksgiving. He explained: "New vegans often have a tough time transitioning around the holidays. A dispensation would allow them to ease into veganism while enjoying a Butterball turkey, basted in butter, with steam rising from white meat as you slice through brown, crackly skin...or so I recall." (Photo: thefoodguys.com)

Howard Dean Sausages Linked to Rage in Lab Mice

PALO ALTO, CA - Good news and bad news for Howard Dean as his new breakfast sausages hit the shelves at the same time as a Stanford University report claiming Dean's pork patties caused rage in laboratory mice. The report stated tests were conducted with white mice sampling Dean's patty and link sausages. Within minutes, the fur around their throats turned red and the mice began emitting a series of harsh squeaks, eyes popping from their skulls as if trying to escape. Stanford researcher Dr. Hans Engebbi added, "They bit pencils in half and soiled a photo of Glenn Beck with mousy pellets." Democratic National Committee Chairman Dean erupted over the report. "This is nothing but right-wing SLANDER, orchestrated by BIG MEAT, attempting to ruin and destroy the first PROGRESSIVE BREAKFAST SAUSAGE!!!!" Chairman Dean then proceeded to bite a microphone in half and soiled a photo of Michelle Malkin. (Photo: omegaletter.com)