FCC To Apply Semaphore Rules to Web

WASHINGTON, D.C.  -  In what is expected to be a ground-breaking vote today, the Federal Communications Commission has announced they will regulate the Internet using a 19th century law designed to control the improper use of semaphore flags. "We have the authority," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski. "By law, all regulatory oversight from the Semaphore and Balloon Decency Act of 1889 reverted to the FCC upon its founding [in 1934]." Believed to have the three votes necessary for approval, Genachowski explained that the new regulations will somehow act as a brake on predatory wireless companies in a way not yet known. Observers were puzzled by the FCC inclusion of an 1889 law originally passed to curb the sending of adult messages across state lines by means of flags, rods, paddles or disks. Said Genachowski: "In the run-up to today's vote there were a lot of compromises and deals with Verizon and AT&T. We [the FCC] ended up granting various loopholes and exemptions. Frankly, I don't even understand what we're doing anymore. So when someone suggested we use the semaphore law, I said 'Is everyone onboard?' They were and so we did."