Winter Solstice-Eclipse Means Increase in Human Sacrifice

MONTREAL, CANADA - Experts predict Tuesday's rare full lunar eclipse, coupled with the winter solstice, will lead to a surge in human sacrifice, particularly among the homeless. "Something like this awesome eclipse means the devil is coming to eat us,"said Wiccan high priest Ember Nall. "An infant sacrifice would be best. Still, we'll probably just ritually kill a bum; it cuts down on police interest." But others refuted Nall. "The energy released by this celestial act is transformative, highly feminine and unrelated to Satan," said Marjorie Highsmith of the West Montreal Feminist Pagan Society. "Nevertheless, just to be safe, we'll ritually murder a non-female homeless person." As might be expected, astronomers take a different view. Professor Herbert Mackenzie of McGill University remarked, "December 21 begins the first day of northern winter when the full moon passes through the earth's shadow. This shadow will initially appear as a dark red section of the lunar disc. Earth's shadow or the bite of a giant space monster? Clearly, it's the earth's shadow. Nevertheless,  I intend to ritually slay a colleague who made some snarky remarks about a paper I wrote." The last time these two heavenly events occurred was in 1554 AD. During the darkness, it is believed Turkish troops ritually beheaded a tramp and several people with low-paying jobs. (Image: Drudge Report.)