Defiant Specter Barricaded in Senate Office, Refuses to Leave

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a bitter, peevish farewell speech, Senator Arlen Specter locked himself in his senate office, ignoring all efforts to coax him out. "I live in the United States Senate!" bawled the lame duck Pennsylvania senator through the locked door. "I am a Washington man. I am a little king." Specter aides reported hearing a bottle clink against glass leading some to speculate that Specter had been drinking heavily. A former Democrat who became a Republican before switching back to Democrat, then losing the 2010 Democratic primary to Joe Sestak, Specter's office rant was loud and non-stop, reminding many of the character of Lord Humongous from The Road Warrior. Explained one senate aide, "Arlen Specter isn't very buff but he's bald and can bellow forever like a castrated steer." Capitol Hill police eventually cleared the space in front of the office, reasoning that while Specter stayed inside he wasn't hurting anything other than the furniture. As aides and police departed, Specter switched his tirade to the Keystone State's voters. "I know what those feckless redneck, turd-kickers need, but they didn't want old Arlen. Fine. I'll run again in 2016. I'll disguise myself as an Indian squaw. That's it! I'll run as Mocking Crow, an old wise Indian squaw. None of those idiots will know." (Image: No Dhimmitude)