Virginia Planned Parenthood Connects Sailors to Girls

RICHMOND, VA - Planned Parenthood has started thinking outside the box as the family planning agency has announced it will now "hook up" lonely sailors with underage prostitutes. "It's part of our 'Post Abortion Sea Party' campaign," said Virginia PP spokesman Marjorie Zeen. "Studies show that after a pregnancy termination, the best thing for underage sex workers is returning to their trade. And since sailors often need temporary companionship, what better way to help our young ladies than to introduce them to the Atlantic Fleet?"

The Department of the Navy has vehemently denied any connection with Virginia Planned Parenthood. Zeen admits the state-wide program is unofficial but that word is spreading via Facebook, Twitter, and suggestive posters placed in various waterfront taverns in Norfolk and Portsmouth. "We're asking our blue jackets to contact Virginia Planned Parenthood for a good time," explained Zeen. "And while the sex workers can only provide service from the waist up, often that's all a man needs to 'strip the rust from the steam line' as sailors often quip." 

Planned Parenthood will receive a percentage from each transaction. Zeen states the money will be used to lobby congress for additional federal funding. In time, Zeen hopes Virginia Planned Parenthood replaces criminal prostitution the way state lotteries displaced the numbers racket. "What could be more common-sense and safe than providing men with teenage girls in a setting already designed to handle STDs and unwanted pregnancies? We envision Virginia Planned Parenthood expanding into a carnal Wal-Mart, a one-stop shopping center for bawdy delights. If enough people believe and work hard, that dream can become flesh—so to speak." (Image: Indystar.com)