Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il in happier times.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist