Massive Solar Flares Cited in Kucinich Defeat

Sun spot releases particle radiation, thought to have affected Tuesday's race.

CLEVELAND, OH - Eight-term congressman Dennis Kucinich lost a primary challenge yesterday, blaming his loss on radiation from an immense sun storm. "We couldn't turn out the base. They were too busy gathering aluminum foil," said the Democratic congressman and two-time presidential candidate. On Sunday and Tuesday, a vast sunspot released X-class solar flares. This resulted in a mass of plasma speeding toward earth and disrupting GPS signals, radio communications, and the thought process of many of the congressman's most ardent supporters. "I'm different, so they're different," said Kucinich, who once lived with New Age maven Shirley MacLaine. "When my constituents hear space plasma is inbound, they foil-up, then line their apartment walls with bubble wrap. It's just a precaution, but it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hate to say it, but it was the perfect solar storm."

Kucinich still looking for supporters

Kucinich lost 60 - 36 to Democratic Representative Marcy Kaptur as the two progressives battled it out for a single seat, the results of redistricting. With a strong base in Cleveland, Kucinich was believed to have the edge, with a firm lock on the ventriloquist vote. In addition, he could count on the solid support of everyone in northern Ohio who had ever seen a UFO. The man who once proposed a Department of Peace to promote universal love and tolerance—separate from the State Department—seemed assured of victory.

But the universe had other ideas.

Mulling over his future, the 65-year-old politician has mentioned moving to the northwest, specifically Washington. A recent visit there convinced Kucinich that The Evergreen State might well be fertile ground for a political resurrection. According to a 2009 Quinnipiac poll, Washington came in second behind California in the number of registered voters claiming to have seen a UFO. Of those voters, 39% claimed to have spoken to the aliens and learned that every choice they were making in life was the correct one, ordained from beyond the stars. Kucinich was heartened by the data. "Those votes are a tap-in. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll be running for office out of a yurt on the side of Mount Rainier. Stop by and see me. Bring vegan snacks."   
Image: NPR & Washington Post