Mark Steyn on Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda fighting the War on American Aircraft

"The face that launched a thousand boat people."
Image: Wikiality

Cat vs. Fan

Who needs CGI when you have animals, technology and a cell phone?

h/t: mindfreak702

Lady GaGa CD to Contain Sexual References

NEW YORK CITY, NY -  In a move that surprised many fans, pop sensation Lady GaGa has announced her latest CD will contain lyrics heavy with sexual references, sexual metaphors, sexual innuendo, and in-the-clear cries for sex. "You can't stand still," said music critic Adrian Hansen. "Lady 'G' is tired of singing chaste ballads about unrequited love. I think her new CD, Muffin Machine, will demonstrate the sensual side of a performer mostly known for subtlety and nuance." Rumors abound that the video sizzles as Lady GaGa discards the modest costumes of her previous efforts and embraces a new, bizarre, artsy look that insiders are calling 'Martian prostitute.' Hansen states that despite the new steamy approach Lady G songs will continue embracing a wide range of issues facing young people today. Titles on Muffin Machine include "I'm Baying For Your Hot Fun,""Lust Ramp," "Humping My Way Back to You,""Let's Swap STDs," and the touching number, "I'd Blow a Pony for Your Kiss." (Image: top eleven lists)                                                                                          

Perez Hilton Pens 'The Little Helium Boy'

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has authored a new children's book about a young boy filled with helium. According to Hilton, its a story about the unpleasant consequences of non-acceptance. A young boy stuffed full of helium wants attention so he draws crude, disgusting pictures of his classmates with male sexual organs sticking out their mouths and butts or cocaine smeared around their lips. When the kids complain, the little boy erupts in rage and calls them 'heliumphobic'—a bad word that means 'abnormally afraid of helium.' The Little Helium Boy also investigates their allowances to discover how much and who pays each kid every week. Eventually, the Little Helium Boy floats off into the sky where he draws male sexual organs sprouting from the mouths and butts of birds.

Aimed at ages 4 through 8, The Little Helium Boy contains blunt sexual images as well as simulated drawings of narcotics and a very graphic pop-up section.

Bikini Brawler Inspires 'UFC with Fries'

LAS VEGAS, NV - In a desire to cash in on a viral video, mixed martial arts giant Ultimate Fighting Championship has announced a new cable series where MMA matches occur in a ring designed to look like a Florida Burger King. Called UFC with Fries, the series will feature an arena with a stainless steel counter, napkin dispensers and several uniformed employees, one of whom will be an MMA-trained fighter. "Fast food brawls are hot right now but they're amateur hour—poorly shot and lacking promos," said UFC spokesman Jerry Crawford. "We're gonna dial things up a notch."

In addition to the venue, another new wrinkle would involve introducing only a single combatant. Crawford explained: "If referee Big John McCarthy introduces, oh, say, Stephan Bonnar. Bonnar enters the arena, jumps up on the counter and starts trashing the place. However one of the "employees" is actually, say, Forrest Griffin. The next thing Bonnar knows, he's being choked out by the soda machine."

Crawford was excited at the partnering options presented by UFC with Fries. "One week the arena could look like a Taco Bell while the next week could be Hardee's. Then there's merchandising like foam rubber napkin dispensers kids can throw at home." Depending on the success of the new series, Crawford said UFC is searching for a Charlie Sheen vehicle. "We're in talks with his people right now, but there are worries about overexposure. There's a shelf life for the professionally dysfunctional and Charlie could be edging past his."
(Image: Deseret News)

Ode to Spiderman the Musical

A moving ballad on the backstage woes of Broadway's Spiderman.

Via AngryMusicMajor

Techno Remix of 'Shaddap You Face" Meets YouTube Disapproval

MONCLOUD, WI -An unemployed hockey coach uploaded a techno remix of 1980's novelty song "Shaddap You Face," sparking a round of hostile remarks in the Comments Section of his YouTube page. Under the handle of BigStick, former high school coach Hal Norman fought back against caustic posts directed at his uptempo remix of the Joe Dolce hit.

lmaddy21: Wow, this really sux!

BigStick: Pork me.

armwick: Bro, did you have to? LMAO!

BigStick: How 'bout a mouthful of meat puck?

labear: I love that part after Whatsamatta You? (hey!)/Gotta no respect? when the bass line and the drums kick in. My spinal column lit up like a giant torch. Keep going. Go further.

BigStick: Thanks, labear. Everyone else around here can pound hash up their butt with a ice scraper.

dancin4ever12987: Considering you have between 120 and 145 bpm plus short, melodic, repetitive, synthesizer phrases (especially after the lyric Why you looka so sad? when the claves seemed to continue into eternity), shouldn't you label this trance music?

BigStick: Just "Like It," Okay? Don't get all show-offy, weirdo.

lmaddy21: You're the weirdo. Why did you even pick this song? Couldn't find Don't Worry, Be Happy?

BigStick: That's my next upload, smart guy. You don't have to listen, or comment, or come around here ever again you living fart.

lmaddy21: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

BigStick: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

labear: Any chance you'll ever remix the theme song to Maude?

BigStick: Could be...could be. Lemme think about that.

armwick: LMAO!

BigStick: Hey, armwick, you're mom puts out for the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Let's see: "Lady Godiva was a freedom rider"...start the bass. Yeah. I'm starting to feel it. "And then there's Maude"—punch in the drums. Oh, yeah. I'm feeling the driving beat. "Right on, Maude."

Discovery To Air 'Nancy Pelosi's Alaska'

SILVER SPRINGS, MD -  Discovery Communications has announced a February 15 air date for a new series entitled Nancy Pelosi's Alaska. Hoping to piggyback on the success of Sarah Palin's Alaska, the hour-long episodes will feature former Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wandering the Denali National Forest wearing a business suit and carrying an over-sized, wooden gavel.

"It's your basic fish-out-of-water," said Tina Branton, senior executive at Discovery's Travel and Learning Channel, the series' new home. "Observe Sarah Palin and you know she's at home in the deep bush. But watch Nancy Pelosi and you guess she's never been anywhere that wasn't carpeted. We think our TLC audience will enjoy watching Nancy react to things outside her comfort zone."

Filmed last fall in an attempt to boost then-Speaker Pelosi's plummeting poll numbers, the series was delayed after Tlingit Indians kidnapped Pelosi and forced her to crouch atop a totem pole, believing the Speaker's taut, rictus-like grin was actually a wood carving.

Once matters were cleared up, Pelosi was reintroduced into the forest. Camera crews recorded her adventures, including an attempt to bribe porcupines into bringing her food by promising to place them on the Endangered Species list. According to Branton, viewers will see Pelosi struggling to navigate a glacier in high-heels and accusing polar bears of racism. In one episode, Pelosi tries to catch salmon by granting them exemptions from swimming upriver.

In the season finale, Pelosi returns to civilization by threatening the camera crew with an IRS audit if they don't drive her to Anchorage. Overall, Branton stated she was pleased with the ex-Speaker's performance but disappointed that there won't be a second series. "Beavers ate Nancy's big gavel and she grew listless and remote. Too bad. We had her lined up to crew on Deadliest Catch."
 (Image: life.com)

Playmate Engaged to Aging Libertine

LOS ANGELES, CA - Elderly Man-Tramp Hugh Hefner announced his engagement to 24-year old Playmate Crystal Harris. The eighty-four-year-old Hefner, noted for founding a magazine dedicated to photographing naked women in leg warmers and baseball caps, presented Harris with a ring over the Christmas weekend. Younger by 3 generations, Harris, burst into tears, "We'll have so much to talk about. He can tell me about World War II and the Eisenhower administration." In a more serious vein, Harris added, "But my main task will be to make Hugh's little yacht cap spin, as well as pick up his robes from the dry cleaners." Hefner has vowed not to have sex with other women during the marriage ceremony. Harris was touched by that. "When I heard, I knew Hugh really cared. I mean, really." Harris grew philosophical,  "My marriage to Hugh is based on mutual respect and love and has nothing to do with me raking in big money through death or divorce. We were made for each other—only in completely different historical eras."(Image: SuperiorPics.com)

For Prophet Art

A skilled staff artist, working dozens of seconds, crafted this depiction of Mohammad. I'm not sure, but I think he's wearing a very large turban or a bean bag chair.

Blind Lust

Via Drudge: Porn magazine for the blind relies on feelings.

'Prince of Persia' Plus Remake Will Be Released Together

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney has announced it will release feature film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time along with its 3-D remake this Memorial Day. The unusual idea is the first attempt by a studio to simultaneously release a remake of a film no one has yet seen. Said Disney feature spokesman James A. Hardy, "We're so confident audiences will love 'Prince,' we've gone ahead and remade it, positive the new spin will enchant viewers. Plus its 3-D." Based on the video game developed by Ubisoft, 'Prince' follows young royalty teaming up to stop an evil ruler from unleashing a world-destroying sandstorm. Prince of Persia: Against the Grain, is the comedy remake set in Southern California where the young royals are now 21st century, detective-surf bums hired by a Saudi prince to find out who stole his kingdom's sand. Hardy was excited about the May 28 opening. "It won't be two-for-the-price-of-one because we want people to see 'Prince' then pay for a second ticket to see 'Grain.' But it is the fastest remake in industry history. Plus its in 3-D."

Angry Atheist Harris Founds O.A.F.

LONG BEACH, CA - Fed up with religion distracting people from important world problems, neuroscientist and author Sam Harris has created the Offended Atheists Foundation. By funding books and films by grumpy atheists, O.A.F. aims to alert the public to religion's diversion of attention from human suffering. "Science can determine morality with the same rigor used to prove global cooling and the danger of Alar on apples," said Harris in a recent interview at the TED Conference. "Meanwhile, religion wastes time with blood drives, food drives, clothing drives, aid to the homeless, and visiting the elderly." O.A.F. has already concluded deals with several offended atheists, including biologist Richard Dawkins and comic Bill Maher. Dawkins will write a book on secular grief counseling entitled, Your Mom is Dead: Let's Get Pizza, while Maher is producing a comedy called Hay You! in which the acerbic funnyman showcases his wit as he tricks and belittles the Amish.

Hollywood Encourages Universal to Make More Bad Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - An ad hoc committee of studio executives, producers, directors, and agents has approached Universal Studios and thanked them for turning out so many rotten films over the last few years. "Green Zone was beautiful," said committee spokesperson, Benjamin Ritchie. "A 100 million to make and you need a diving bell to find last week's box office. Truth is, they're taking a lot of pressure off other people in this town whose own bombs never seem so bad when compared to Universal. We just want to encourage them to keep cranking out the horse pies." Universal executives refused comment on the committee, instead issuing a press release trumpeting their upcoming film, Land of the Lost II: Jurassic Snark."

FarmVille Acquires Agricultural Subsidies

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Popular Facebook simulation game FarmVille has added federal farm subsidies, driving smaller plots into bankruptcy and favoring large agribusinesses. "We've tried to model our sim after USDA programs," said Albie Peck of Zynga, creators of FarmVille. "With that in mind, handouts are available to growers of wheat, cotton, corn, rice and Teddy Bears. Largess is also dished out to farmers who join Facebook's Conservation Reserve Program. By allowing your plots to go fallow, you receive a subsidy in farm dollars while driving up the price of your neighbors crops." Bigger is better in the new FarmVille, adds Peck. Players may pursue the traditional path of acquiring more neighbors, experience points, and gifts in order to purchase additional land or else donate real money to the FarmVille Growers Association. FGA members are automatically elevated to agribusiness level, enrolled in a political action committee, and given farm dollar subsides which lower prices, encouraging bucolic avatars to plant even more crops, driving down the price and increasing subsidies. In addition, Peck encouraged gamers to divide their plots into shell farms incorporated under the names of their children and apply for individual subsidies. "Like the USDA, we don't really check," says Peck. "And if we did, we wouldn't find anything wrong." Peck states Zynga is considering subsidizing herds of elephants. "There's been push back within the company. Some people are afraid we'll turn subsidies into a joke."

Shooting Monkeys in a Pit Reopens After Lawsuit

BURGER, WA - In the shadow of Mt. Rainer, Shooting Monkeys in a Pit once again welcomed customers, giving families a chance to fire rifles down into a pit full of foaming, rabid monkeys. "This business was my dad's idea," said owner Granger Hopt. "He was eating frozen waffles when two old sayings clashed in his head: 'More Fun Than a Barrel of Monkeys' and 'Shooting Fish in a Barrel.' Well, dad thought, 'What if you shot monkeys in a barrel? And what if those monkeys were stuffed full of plague or madness? You don't get that at Six Flags.' The rest is history, except for the lawsuit and some other stuff."

In 2006, a family sued, claiming they were misled by Hopt's sign and subsequently shocked at seeing patrons firing military surplus M-14 rifles - M1 carbines for youngsters under 8 - into a pit filled with howling, vicious monkeys and apes. The suit spawned an injunction closing Hopt's business while the case dragged through court. In late 2009, a judge ruled for Hopt, stating there was no deceit in his sign. "The opposing lawyer claimed our sign could be thought of as a metaphor, thus misleading. But the judge said our advertised activity was explicit and not implied. So everything was cool, except for some federal stuff involving rabid animal importation."

Business was slow the day I attended, with only a scattering of shots, monkey snarls, and excited kids' voices. Hopt pointed out the bullet-pocked Lucite sheets ringing the 14-foot deep pit. "That was my idea," he said proudly. "Before, it was just sandbags and plywood. Monkeys would escape all the time. People would be wheeling around, cranking off shots, trying to pop Jocko before he reached the tree line and spread his ape madness all down the Cascades. But a lot of stray rounds hit the gift shop and concession stand. Once I put in Lucite, none of 'em got out unless it was in a pine box filled with bananas. Just kidding. We don't bury nothing. We burn the bodies over at our other business, Burning Rabid Monkeys in a Pit. People who visit there are a special breed. Pretty tight. They got their own Facebook page." (Photo: Israelly Cool)

Polanski Wins at Berlin for 'Ghost Molester'

BERLIN, GERMANY - Roman Polanski has won best director at the Berlin Film Festival for his film, Ghost Molester, a saga about a filmmaker who discovers he has the power to sexually molest young female spirits. "I don't know what made me think of the subject matter," said Polanski by phone from Switzerland. In the film, the protagonist is harassed by supernatural entities who object to his predatory actions. Forced to flee his home in Los Angeles, the protagonist takes refuge in a haunted Swiss chalet. Showered with rewards for his work throughout Europe, the filmmaker spends his days forcibly sodomizing a teenage girl spirit. "I suppose it is a bit autobiographical," laughed Polanski. "But the beauty of my idea is that there is no law against raping a ghost. In fact, if you're a successful filmmaker, there's no law against rape in the artistic community. Certainly no stigma. Too bad I can't return to LA and be tried by film festival judges. I'd be set free and handed a 13-year-old cheerleader. But that's show biz."

Archie and Jughead Tangle with Tea Parties

MAMARONECK, NY - Archie Andrews and Jughead Jones will clash with Tea Parties in an upcoming issue of the long-running Archie comic book series. Said writer Dylan Kraw, "We wanted something that would threaten Riverdale High. And would could be more threatening than a non-union mob?" In Kraw's story, "Tea Bag For Two," a Reggie Mantle prank backfires after he suggests a Tea Party group demand Riverdale eliminate all science classes and use the money to form a rifle club. When the howling throng arrives, Mr. Weatherbee blames Archie, who is sent to detention. Meanwhile, Miss Grundy tells the crowd they are protesting against their own interests. She states that a large government with a big heart run by caring concerned politicians such as Barney Frank will, in fact, improve their lives, if they'll only stay out of the way. The mob beats Miss Grundy with a sign reading, 'Obama Marksist.' Jughead sneaks Archie out of detention. Along with Betty, Veronica, and Moose Mason, they lure the Tea Party away from the high school by telling them Sarah Palin is waiting to speak at the bottom of a nearby quarry. Quickly, the kids string barbed wire around the quarry, imprisoning the mob in an improvised 'haters camp.' Later, over sodas at the Chok'lit Shoppe, the gang listen as Archie wonders why simple people reject progressive solutions that have turned Greece and Venezuela into equitable, just, social wonderlands? Pop Tate interrupts to say, 'Remember what our president said about bitter people clinging to guns and God.' Jughead then quips, 'I'd like to cling to a couple more hot dogs with fries.' The gang all laugh in the final panel. Said Kraw, "People need to relax. We're just having a little fun here. It's not like we're mocking ACORN. That would be hurtful and wrong."

Inspired by 'Avatar,' Al Qaeda Dons Blue Paint

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Energized by the alien slaughter of American troops in Avatar, Al Qaeda fighters plan painting themselves blue. "What a fantastic ending to a movie," said Al Qaeda spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "All those marines butchered. I went back to my cave floating on a cloud, like a nine-year-old girl on her wedding night." Eager to emulate the alien Na'vi in battle, AQ fighters, according to Naser, are having trouble finding the right blue. "All the men wanted the same shade, which they are calling 'Pandora Blue.' And they are willing to make stylistic concessions so the blue matches their ammunition belts. But in Pakistan, they only sold Periwinkle and this greenish crap called Tiffany Blue. We needed something more Azure." A fashion consultant from Paris attempted to reach Al Qaeda headquarters but was blown up in a Predator strike. "Some of his color patches survived," said Naser. "Hopefully, we can start coordinating uniforms until someone finds enough Pandora Blue to go around." Naser appreciated the work of Avatar director James Cameron. "Dead U.S. marines boost our morale like a beheading on a bright spring morning. If Cameron needs help blinding any women, he should just 'give a holler' as you Americans say. We owe him a solid." (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

Clown-Bear Fights Stage Holiday Comeback

MEDFORD, OR - For the first time in 15 years, clown-bear fights are back, pitting grease-painted funny men against starving Kodiak bears. Banned for many years by Clown Rights Activists, a recent court case overturned an injunction, allowing the return of this holiday staple. "My dad always took us kids to clown-bear fights," said Eric Derking, a Medford mechanic. "I still recall the first time I saw clowns ramming a bear in a little car. Then the bear tore off the door, pulled out about seven clowns and killed them all. My sister and I talked about it for months. She still has dreams." Medford Parks and Recreation Department reported a full card of clown-bear combat is slated for Wed. Dec. 23 at the Santo Community Center. "We're bringing in plenty of sawdust to soak up all the blood and seltzer water," said Parks spokesperson Michelle Hogan. "Also, the Red Cross has put out a call for blood donors, especially AB - and B +." Hogan dismissed PETA criticism that bears were mistreated in the past. "At the last one, back in '94, this clown got off a great shot with one of those guns where the flag comes out and says 'Bang.' He nailed a bear in the eye and blinded it. Then four other clowns set the bear on fire with blow torches—which they weren't supposed to have. This flaming Kodiak crashed through a window, ran into the street and got crunched by a Peterbilt hauling sofa beds. So it was over quick." Eric Derking will bring his children. "Fathers love exposing kids to special events from their youth. And in Medford, nothing says 'Happy Holidays' like a bear with a pie mashed in its face biting a clown in the head. I still have dreams." (Photo: mystockvoice...&scrapetv.com)