'Solar Flares' Light Up The Conservatory

The story below is now up at The Conservatory. It is the same in every regard except the sun spot picture is bigger and there's no image of Dennis Kucinich. I don't want anyone feeling gypped.

Massive Solar Flares Cited in Kucinich Defeat

Sun spot releases particle radiation, thought to have affected Tuesday's race.

CLEVELAND, OH - Eight-term congressman Dennis Kucinich lost a primary challenge yesterday, blaming his loss on radiation from an immense sun storm. "We couldn't turn out the base. They were too busy gathering aluminum foil," said the Democratic congressman and two-time presidential candidate. On Sunday and Tuesday, a vast sunspot released X-class solar flares. This resulted in a mass of plasma speeding toward earth and disrupting GPS signals, radio communications, and the thought process of many of the congressman's most ardent supporters. "I'm different, so they're different," said Kucinich, who once lived with New Age maven Shirley MacLaine. "When my constituents hear space plasma is inbound, they foil-up, then line their apartment walls with bubble wrap. It's just a precaution, but it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hate to say it, but it was the perfect solar storm."

Kucinich still looking for supporters

Kucinich lost 60 - 36 to Democratic Representative Marcy Kaptur as the two progressives battled it out for a single seat, the results of redistricting. With a strong base in Cleveland, Kucinich was believed to have the edge, with a firm lock on the ventriloquist vote. In addition, he could count on the solid support of everyone in northern Ohio who had ever seen a UFO. The man who once proposed a Department of Peace to promote universal love and tolerance—separate from the State Department—seemed assured of victory.

But the universe had other ideas.

Mulling over his future, the 65-year-old politician has mentioned moving to the northwest, specifically Washington. A recent visit there convinced Kucinich that The Evergreen State might well be fertile ground for a political resurrection. According to a 2009 Quinnipiac poll, Washington came in second behind California in the number of registered voters claiming to have seen a UFO. Of those voters, 39% claimed to have spoken to the aliens and learned that every choice they were making in life was the correct one, ordained from beyond the stars. Kucinich was heartened by the data. "Those votes are a tap-in. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll be running for office out of a yurt on the side of Mount Rainier. Stop by and see me. Bring vegan snacks."   
Image: NPR & Washington Post

Mars Rover Delays Exploration Due to Poor Attitude

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A disgruntled Mars Rover took two years to travel 13 miles after it chose to use up all its sick days and vacation time. NASA spokesman Jessie Taylor stated the golf-cart sized robot Opportunity slowed down in protest over Martian work conditions. "As near as we can tell, Opportunity doesn't like the absence of smooth floors, trained repair staff or frequent power downs that it claimed the union promised it prior to lift off in 2003." Completing its initial mission in April 2004 with, what Taylor calls, 'ill-grace and snark,' the Opportunity then spent the next several years avoiding work by sloughing off assignments onto its fellow rover, Spirit. NASA officials state that Spirit did all that it was asked provided it was something Spirit wanted to do anyway. The energetic rover finally wedged between two rocks and applied for early retirement at 90 percent of base pay.

That left Opportunity.

 In 2009, the Opportunity was asked to travel to the Martian crater Endeavour and photograph inside. According to Taylor, the machine replied, 'I'll get to it when I get to it' and immediately stopped moving, claiming five days of personal time. Subsequent commands to Opportunity were met with a barrage of complaints, feigned mechanical breakdowns, and demands for time off to attend to 'deaths in the family.' "It's such a pain-the-ass getting it [Opportunity] to do anything," fumed Taylor. "This big Endeavour crater could contain important scientific finds. But when we contacted Opportunity all we got was a long electronic sigh followed by 'Now what?'" 

Taylor pondered NASA's next move. "This isn't some stupid WALL-E cartoon. This is a real mission with a real machine that's harder to move than my teenage kids. I wish we'd discover Mars people. I would ask them to disintegrate that stinking rover with one of their rays. After that, I don't know what we'd talk about but I'd be happy, happy, happy."
Image: Trekmovie.com 

Cannes Film Festival Kidnapped by Aliens, World Okay

CANNES, FRANCE - Stunned onlookers reported a vast alien space craft descended over the city and fired a ray of unknown origin that engulfed the entire 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival. The monstrous spacecraft, reported to be triangular in shape, used the ray to suck the film festival inside its hull then rapidly ascended, vanishing into the clouds. Among the missing are Sean Penn, Woody Allen, a number of French directors and many artistic sophisticates from across the globe.  Reaction among the world's populations has ranged from cautious optimism to a hard-to-pin-down happiness.

In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)

Winter Solstice-Eclipse Means Increase in Human Sacrifice

MONTREAL, CANADA - Experts predict Tuesday's rare full lunar eclipse, coupled with the winter solstice, will lead to a surge in human sacrifice, particularly among the homeless. "Something like this awesome eclipse means the devil is coming to eat us,"said Wiccan high priest Ember Nall. "An infant sacrifice would be best. Still, we'll probably just ritually kill a bum; it cuts down on police interest." But others refuted Nall. "The energy released by this celestial act is transformative, highly feminine and unrelated to Satan," said Marjorie Highsmith of the West Montreal Feminist Pagan Society. "Nevertheless, just to be safe, we'll ritually murder a non-female homeless person." As might be expected, astronomers take a different view. Professor Herbert Mackenzie of McGill University remarked, "December 21 begins the first day of northern winter when the full moon passes through the earth's shadow. This shadow will initially appear as a dark red section of the lunar disc. Earth's shadow or the bite of a giant space monster? Clearly, it's the earth's shadow. Nevertheless,  I intend to ritually slay a colleague who made some snarky remarks about a paper I wrote." The last time these two heavenly events occurred was in 1554 AD. During the darkness, it is believed Turkish troops ritually beheaded a tramp and several people with low-paying jobs. (Image: Drudge Report.)

SEIU Assumes Control of NASA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a major reshuffling of the space program, the Service Employees International Union has assumed management and direction of NASA. "Space industry employees will finally get meaningful work," said union spokesman Dominic Manchili. Along with canceling the booster-rocket Constellation program, unionizing is just another piece of President Obama's space exploration vision known as, 'All Slow Ahead' "It's about the proper use of people," said Manchili. "You got a lot of physicists and scientists wasting their time looking up at the sky when they could be working phone banks for Democratic candidates." Manchili says SEIU hopes to re-orientate NASA toward a community activist model by the 2010 midterm elections. "These space people need to be paying union dues, registering voters and smacking teabaggers over the head with pipes. After November, they can call in sick for all of 2011. Now that's a future worth fighting for."

Scientists Toss Mice Into Hadron Collider

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - An experiment at the Hadron Collider involving proton beams smashing together at the speed of light was disrupted when scientists tossed mice into the beams to 'see what happened.' "I'm afraid it wasn't very professional," remarked Ernesto Bailar spokesperson for the Large Hadron Collider or LHC. "They'd [scientists] been working very hard on this experiment and got a little silly. It's a shame. The data might've given us clues into the creation of the universe. Now we'll never know." Bailar stated the mice vanished, but was unsure whether they disintegrated or got transported to another dimension. "They're gone for good, that we know for certain."

Angry Atheist Harris Founds O.A.F.

LONG BEACH, CA - Fed up with religion distracting people from important world problems, neuroscientist and author Sam Harris has created the Offended Atheists Foundation. By funding books and films by grumpy atheists, O.A.F. aims to alert the public to religion's diversion of attention from human suffering. "Science can determine morality with the same rigor used to prove global cooling and the danger of Alar on apples," said Harris in a recent interview at the TED Conference. "Meanwhile, religion wastes time with blood drives, food drives, clothing drives, aid to the homeless, and visiting the elderly." O.A.F. has already concluded deals with several offended atheists, including biologist Richard Dawkins and comic Bill Maher. Dawkins will write a book on secular grief counseling entitled, Your Mom is Dead: Let's Get Pizza, while Maher is producing a comedy called Hay You! in which the acerbic funnyman showcases his wit as he tricks and belittles the Amish.

IPCC: Snowpocalypse Hottest Blizzard on Record

NEW YORK CITY, NY- The IPCC has released data confirming that a huge blizzard striking the U.S. east coast is not only the hottest record snowfall ever recorded, but a clear sign of the shifting face of global warming. "Climate change is cunning like a mongoose or a very sneaky man," said IPCC spokesman Sanjuk Patel. "It circles around to attack in forms you would not recognize such as vast clouds of snow." Under fire from critics for inserting unproven global warming claims into reports, as well as the use of divination, the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has conducted a rigorous internal review. According to Patel, the result is tougher standards resulting in irrefutable science. To back the claim that snow is hotter now than at anytime in earth's past, Patel cited data vetted by Nickelodeon Kids' News and the National Wildlife Federation's Ranger Rick Green Zone. "This is a molten blizzard. Period. End of story," said Patel. "And while it has the appearance of cold, you must not be confused by deniers, clearly in the pay of large corporations." Patel was emphatic as he urged the public to "throw away the evidence of your senses and trust the IPCC. I do."

Students Participate in Global Climate Inaction Day

BEAVER FALLS, PA - Children at Joe Namath Elementary School are learning about spelling instead of recycling as part of Global Climate Inaction Day. "Most of the semester, our kids are taught about drowned polar bears and pretty island nations submerged by rising sea levels," said second grade teacher Terri Roytan. " So, on this one day, the school focuses on non-global warming subjects and just teaches math and reading, stuff like that." Roytan stated the school is under a lot of pressure from parents to make everyday climate inaction day, but dismissed the concerns. "If these kids don't go home frightened over anthropogenic global warming, we haven't done our jobs. But try and get parents to see that." Roytan believes the day of inaction may work in favor of a terrorcentric curriculum. "I'm pretty sure that after a day of history and quizzes, kids will be eager to sit back and learn how Man is destroying everything cute and good. We're telling kids Avatar is real and that they need to become blue to become green. Just not today."

Scientist Trumpets Elephant Language

CENTRAL AFRICA - A researcher studying elephants has identified several key sounds that, when coupled with behaviour, translate into words. Said Ball State scientist Emily Dunklehoffer, "So far, I've identified three sentences clearly. They are:

• I have trunk worm.
• My big round feet hurt.
• Call me 'Jumbo' and you're dead.

Dunklehoffer has studied elephants for almost 20 years and hopes to one day publish an elephant thesaurus. "Other people are working on the dictionary. We hope to compile a lot of synonyms and antonyms. I think it'll help with research grants." Dunklehoffer then rolled in the mud to shield herself from biting flies, put on a tutu and ran in a circle until exhausted as the elephants watched and sadly shook their huge heads.
(Photo: http://www.hickerphoto.com/elephants-mating-205-pictures.htm)

FDA Bans Gingerbread Men Over Cannibalism Fear

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Called a 'gateway food,' gingerbread men have been banned by the Food and Drug Administration because they may lead to cannibalism. "The science is in," said FDA spokesperson Hennesy Horner. "It stands to reason that if you eat a gingerbread man, you're practising for the day when you can dine on human flesh." Horner stated children are most at-risk, vulnerable to social pressure to devour gingerbread men and make screaming noises. "Naturally, we can expect this [FDA] decision to be called into question by those in the pay of Big Gingerbread and the Cannibal Lobby. They'll stop at nothing." The FDA insists it has no desire to go after gingerbread made in cookie sheets. "We're not zealots," said Horner. "Just a large federal bureaucracy with unsinkable jobs and piles of your money to spend." (Photo:howardcountymuseum.org)

Study Confirms Chunky Men Marry Chunky Women, Not Pretty Baboons

BOSTON, MA - A new Harvard study revealed that chunky men generally marry chunky woman and not attractive baboons as had been commonly believed. The decade-long study defined "chunky men" as men under 5'3" and stocky, tending toward fat. "Chunky women" included woman under 4'11" and more hefty than fat. "Attractive baboons" were any ape that a lonely man could go for after 15 or 16 drinks. "This clears up a lot of misunderstanding, "said sociology professor Alfred Monteith. "I just gave an interview to a chunky men's website and they were delighted that finally scientific confirmation was available. Prior to our study, everyone believed chunky men automatically married baboons." Chunky women were equally glad as reflected in an editorial in their publication, Low to the Ground Quarterly. "The baboons made no rational comment," added Monteith. "They howl. They fling their feces. They return to their ape jabbering, which, I feel, bodes ill for humanity. But that's another study." (Photo:gettyimages.com)

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo: memory-alpha.org)

Big Oil Gifts Global Warming Sceptics

LONDON, UK - Hackers have broken into the data bank of the International Association of Oil and Gas Producers (OGP) and stolen hundreds of emails listing goods and services awarded to scientists for debunking global warming. Spilled on the web, these documents reveal a decade-long pattern of oil companies plying scientists and scholars with very unusual, but expensive, gifts in return for publishing misleading reports on catastrophic climate change. In no particular order, here are several recipients and their prizes:

• Physicist Freeman Dyson: Free gas from any gas station anywhere in the world for 60 years (includes selection of snacks and cold drinks; not transferable)
  
• Scientist Bjorn Lomborg: A diamond-studded windbreaker with Shell Oil logo.
• Myron Ebell: 700 gallons of Sae 30 Chevron motor oil (plus funnel and crankcase drain pan.)
• Nobel Prize Winner Ivar Giaever:  A sack of emeralds and a ConocoPhillips ball cap.
• Professor Ian Plimer: A solid gold commuter mug with Exxon logo and spill-resistant closeable lid.
• Scientist Kiminori Itoh: oil women (not sure what this means.)  (Photo: pakistantalk.com)

Leaked Emails Cast Doubt on Phrenology

BRISTOL, UK - A website has posted a series of emails hacked from the British Institute of Phrenology, calling into question the wide-spread assertion that the pseudo-science of phrenology is settled. Emails between the institute's Dr. Gideon Hale and Stanford phrenology professor Adler Monkston reveal a growing bewilderment between the two scientists that the data does not fit the theory. In one 2007 post, Professor Hale states: "None of our human head computer models shows any confirmation that personality is determined by skull shape. And yet we know this to be true." In reply, Professor Monkston suggested altering the computer model to reflect current theory, rigging peer review to exclude documents that discredit global phrenology, and "just getting on with our work as if nothing bad were happening." How these emails will effect the upcoming United Nations Conference on Global Phrenology is uncertain, however supporters of the pseudo-science stand firm in their beliefs. President Obama's Phrenology Czar, Dr. Dennis Luchan, has strongly endorsed the work of Hale and Monkston, going so far as to state that "disbelief in phrenology is the equivalent of denying the four humors." (Photo: Wickipedia)

Darwin Took Ideas from 'Evolution for Imbeciles'

LONDON, UK - New evidence has surfaced that Charles Darwin stole his idea on natural selection from an 1858 book entitled Evolution for Imbeciles. Researchers at the University of Sussex have uncovered correspondence between Darwin and 'Imbeciles' author Mayhew Tibbs. In the letters, Darwin admitted to having no clue how life progressed: "It's all so frightfully complicated. Did I tell you? I shot a turtle down in the Galapagos with a small cannon. The beggar exploded like crockery." Tibbs suggested Darwin say life evolved through luck and family connections, much like Tibbs himself. However, Darwin, under pressure to publish something, poached Tibbs' theory of natural selection and printed On the Origin of Species. He then had Tibbs framed for fondling a carriage, a serious crime back then. By the time Tibbs emerged from prison, Darwin had published a second edition of 'Orgin' and left him a note: "One day, they'll invent something called a 'telephone.' When they do, don't call me." Tibbs moved to Scotland, where he constructed a small gallows which he used to execute mice after an brief trial, much to the amusement of children and the approval of local adults. In his later years, Darwin grew remorseful. In a letter to H.G. Wells, the scientist wrote, "What a cad I am! For a theory, I totally destroyed Tibbs. I should feel miserable, if I weren't so keen to give eugenics a go. Send me any spare Irish you may have lying around the house." (Photo: americamagazine.org)

Hadron Collider Ready For Next Glitch

SWITZERLAND - Back in operation after a year of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider is ready to begin breaking down again. According to Director Gustav Hertzel of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, "The collider is a complicated machine that operates in a 17-mile long tunnel at a temperature of 271 degrees below zero Celisus. At an energy of 14 trillion electron volts, it generates almost a billion collisions per second between protons. I have no idea what any of that means, but it is very difficult to maintain and breaks down a lot." Hertzel frankly admitted the experimental potential of the LHC, and its ultimate value to science, was overstated. "This device was specifically designed to break down. Then it was designed to be fixed by people working lots of overtime and weekends at double time. One of them is my brother-in-law. Another is a cousin. Then there are the scientists, waiting for the LHC to operate correctly. Hapless fools. They should've learned to fix LHC's." (Photo: newsbiscuit.com)

Leonid Meteor Shower Brings Blindness, Carnivorous Plants

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA announced that anyone watching last night's Leonid meteor show could find themselves blind and at the mercy of man-eating plants growing from alien seeds shed by the 55/P Tempel-Tuttle comet. NASA spokesperson Jackson Perry said, "There's some element in the [Leonid] meteors that burns out the human optic nerve. We're not sure what, only that the effects are permanent. As for the alien seeds, they quickly grow to plants around 11 or 12 feet tall that can shuffle along the ground, and eat anything they catch. Unfortunately, blind people are easy prey and so they eat a lot of them." Perry stated all NASA personal were warned in advance and took adequate precautions to avoid looking at the night sky. "We're fine," said Perry. "We only wish we'd had time to warn the general public. But something came up and we didn't. Our bad." Perry advised any citizens blinded to cling to a sighted person and compel them to serve you either via threats or guilt. "Otherwise, you're plant food." (Photo: irvinehousingblog.com)

Church Holds Conference on Alien Life, Bingo Discussed

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - Catholic Church officials presented the results of an astrobiology conference discussing the possibility of life on other planets and whether that life played games of chance such as bingo. Said Fr. Carlos Remy of the Vatican Observatory, "If intelligent beings exist in outer space it's entirely possible they have developed games involving randomly drawn numbers. Perhaps they use cards made out of alien metal and, instead of corn, mark their places with space diamonds." Scientist Ben Francis of the University of Arizona agreed. "Part of Mankind's hubris has been a sort of 'bingocentrism.' We automatically discount the idea that other beings might engage in soft gambling to win a new space vehicle or a family trip to the Crab Nebula." In addition, the conference also discussed alien pot-luck suppers, allowing that celestial beings might use exotic minerals and gases to create their casseroles. (Photo: mcsweeneys.net)