Ted Kaczynski Tweets

Wily Unabomber again one step ahead of Feds.

FLORENCE, CO - Embarrassed officials at U.S. Penitentiary ADX have refused comment on how Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has managed to connect with the Internet and begin Tweeting. "We've tossed his cell every day for two weeks now and can't find anything," said one corrections officer under condition of anonymity. "We believe he may be using some form of energized wood." Highly intelligent, Kaczynski's presence on the Web has further baffled officials due to the Unabomber's murderous anti-technological stance. Kaczynski is currently housed in a section of the supermax prison containing Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, Olympic Park Bomber Eric Rudolph, and 1993 World Trade Center bombing mastermind Ramzi Yousef. Known as 'Bomber's Row,' the prisoners are locked in their cells 23 hours a day with heavy supervision. "I don't know why or how he does it, but the guy's [Kaczynski] a major smartie," said another anonymous corrections officer. "He finished my kid's calculus homework in about four seconds. In exchange, I smuggled him in a Sierra Club calender. Don't tell anyone."

Here are several Kaczynski Tweets found on the Web.

ted_kboom Proud to say I have six-pack abs.

ted_kboom@nomorelights Good point re. no more electricity could mean return to whale oil; sad.

 ted_kboom Who saw The Lorax? Tell me all bout it.

ted_kboom@deepecodude Building a bike path is another form of industrial-technological rape. Send your city council a nice package.

ted_kboom I once wrote "you can't eat your cake and have it too." But now I think you can.

Images: Twitter and The Smoking Gun

Sandra Fluke Demands Japanese Sex Robot

Sandra Fluke hopes Congress will provide colleges with Mr. Cuddle-San.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Law student Sandra Fluke has asked congress to provide college campus medical clinics with free male Japanese sex robots. The 30-year old Georgetown reproductive rights activist stated she was emboldened after a phone call from President Obama, congratulating Fluke on her recent congressional appearance where she demanded subsidized contraception. "Georgetown has no comprehensive program to provide either free contraception or free artificial sexual companions," said Fluke. "This is tantamount to a war on women." Fluke expressed a preference for the Mr. Cuddle-San model from Nakajima Industries. The robot has a silicon-based skin used in plastic surgery, an artificial heart that beats harder during sex, and a vocabulary limited to saying, "You're right about that, dear" in five languages. Congress has yet to respond to Ms Fluke's demand. Meanwhile there are unconfirmed rumors that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton possesses an advanced version of Mr. Cuddle-San known as 'Love Buffalo.'
Image: Metro

President Apologizes to Muslims for 'Act of Valor'

Doctrine of 'aggressive apology' in action.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Continuing a round of diplomatic amends, President Obama apologized to Muslims world-wide for the recent box-office smash, Act of Valor. The film starred actual Navy Seals and depicted them fighting terrorists, many of whom were Muslims seeking to commit jihad on American soil. Said President Obama, "Our strength is in our aggressive apologies, certain they will sooth the rage of peaceful Muslims everywhere." Despite the President claiming his apologies had 'calmed down' recent Afghan aggression, two more American serviceman were killed by Muslims and four injured. Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, "Just because there were additional deaths doesn't mean the Obama doctrine of rapid atonement isn't successful. What works 100 percent? Come on, tell me." Carney echoed the President's sentiments, blaming Act of Valor as contributing to a 'climate of hate' by failing to make the film's villains white oil executives, Tea Party members or businessmen with American flag and cross lapel pins. "Muslims were hurt and confused. They've come to expect a certain standard from our films. We're sorry on behalf of Hollywood. Somehow this one slipped through."
Image: Bookworm Room

NEA Builds Jumbo Poem

Good catch by The Onion on the most massive poem ever constructed.

Homeland Security Scans Web for Disrespect

A caring Republic takes criticism in stride.

The federal government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, has "been paying a defense contractor $11.4 million to monitor social media websites and other Internet communications to find criticisms of the department’s policies and actions."

DHS, you stink! Monitor me! I need the traffic.

h/t: AllGov via Hot Air

Fireside Chat with Marvin E. Qwasniki

Puppets are no stranger to politics and Republican presidential candidate Marvin E. Qwasniki is no stranger than, say, Ron Paul. Commercial Alert: Ten-seconds.

h/t: Nerdist

Sh*t Horseplayers Say

Vital insights from a veteran rail rider.

h/t: MrBradysteve