Ted Kaczynski Tweets

Wily Unabomber again one step ahead of Feds.

FLORENCE, CO - Embarrassed officials at U.S. Penitentiary ADX have refused comment on how Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has managed to connect with the Internet and begin Tweeting. "We've tossed his cell every day for two weeks now and can't find anything," said one corrections officer under condition of anonymity. "We believe he may be using some form of energized wood." Highly intelligent, Kaczynski's presence on the Web has further baffled officials due to the Unabomber's murderous anti-technological stance. Kaczynski is currently housed in a section of the supermax prison containing Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, Olympic Park Bomber Eric Rudolph, and 1993 World Trade Center bombing mastermind Ramzi Yousef. Known as 'Bomber's Row,' the prisoners are locked in their cells 23 hours a day with heavy supervision. "I don't know why or how he does it, but the guy's [Kaczynski] a major smartie," said another anonymous corrections officer. "He finished my kid's calculus homework in about four seconds. In exchange, I smuggled him in a Sierra Club calender. Don't tell anyone."

Here are several Kaczynski Tweets found on the Web.

ted_kboom Proud to say I have six-pack abs.

ted_kboom@nomorelights Good point re. no more electricity could mean return to whale oil; sad.

 ted_kboom Who saw The Lorax? Tell me all bout it.

ted_kboom@deepecodude Building a bike path is another form of industrial-technological rape. Send your city council a nice package.

ted_kboom I once wrote "you can't eat your cake and have it too." But now I think you can.

Images: Twitter and The Smoking Gun

iHash and Other Badly Conceived Apple Products

Gone but his work lives on—most of it.  Innovative as he was, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs often pushed the "think differently" mantra too far. Here are a trio of moribund Jobs ideas that died harder than poisoned cattle.

iHASH
An attempt to digitize and deliver corned beef hash over the Web never materialized because the question of "who wants this?" was never answered. A can-sized platform only produced an annoying hissing sound that could not be silenced either by turning off the device or breaking it with a stapler or glass paperweight. Only prolonged submersion in bleach would completely quell the racket. Jobs made no friends with this.

 MAC 4 RHOMBUS

Following the huge success of the iMac, Jobs attempted to capitalize on unique colors and shapes by designing the Rhombus. Critics called the platform "solid" and weren't kidding as the computer was built without any ports. No USB, no Ethernet, no RJ20, not even a plug. However the box contained between 70 and 80 Apple Rhombus decals. It's as if marketing were trying to apologize to the customer but could only offer more decals. Jobs was said to have been very disappointed overall, though sales were brisk to the U.S. government.

MY MOBILE LIZARD

Apple's first attempt to blend a biological organism with a variety of apps veered quickly into uncharted territory. Using an iguana for the beta test, Jobs ordered a small touch screen installed into the lizard that allowed users access to a calender, email, and iTunes. But the iguanas wouldn't stop scratching at the screen and generally rendered it unreadable within weeks. Monitor lizards were tried and rapidly adapted to the insertion. But they proved difficult to carry as they clawed and bit consumers, often escaping to devour bird eggs and any baby animal they could catch. The device found a small but loyal niche among athletic users with strong stomachs but not enough to encourage more production. Jobs ordered the lizard backlog donated to a San Francisco homeless shelter and ignored ever after any questions on My Mobile Lizard.
Images: iGoFresh.com, Clipart Etc., Top News.in

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

City Celebrates Earth Day with Wind-Powered Traffic Signals

COSTA LUNA, CA - Determined to lead the way in sustainability, Costa Luna has become the first U.S. city to feature wind-powered traffic lights. "We use clean energy with zero greenhouse gas emissions," said Mayor Andrea Neeper-Klon. "Our turbines turn 24/7...or would if the wind were always blowing." According to critics, that's been a major problem as frequent high pressure conditions leave Costa Luna hot and windless, stranding motorists at traffic signals for hours at a time. "You've got people climbing 70-foot wind towers, trying to spin big blades," said Cam Delore of Citizens For Normal Traffic Signals. "Someone's gonna fall and hurt themselves." Even with wind, vehicles are in danger of being struck by falling birds, killed by the whirling turbines. Neeper-Klon acknowledged the problems and promised to install gas generators to spin the blades on windless days. As for dead birds, children collect them as part of the city's Green Awareness Program. "Kids drop the birds off at homeless shelters were they're incorporated into nutritious, healthy suppers. Later, the homeless people make paint scrapers out of the beaks and claws, which they sell for cigarette money. Isn't that green?"

'Prince of Persia' Plus Remake Will Be Released Together

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney has announced it will release feature film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time along with its 3-D remake this Memorial Day. The unusual idea is the first attempt by a studio to simultaneously release a remake of a film no one has yet seen. Said Disney feature spokesman James A. Hardy, "We're so confident audiences will love 'Prince,' we've gone ahead and remade it, positive the new spin will enchant viewers. Plus its 3-D." Based on the video game developed by Ubisoft, 'Prince' follows young royalty teaming up to stop an evil ruler from unleashing a world-destroying sandstorm. Prince of Persia: Against the Grain, is the comedy remake set in Southern California where the young royals are now 21st century, detective-surf bums hired by a Saudi prince to find out who stole his kingdom's sand. Hardy was excited about the May 28 opening. "It won't be two-for-the-price-of-one because we want people to see 'Prince' then pay for a second ticket to see 'Grain.' But it is the fastest remake in industry history. Plus its in 3-D."

Graft Upgrade for Windy City

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Daley rues outdated corruption distribution system courtesy of The Onion.

Full-Body Scanners Aid TSA Sexual Fantasies

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Able to see through clothing, full-body imaging machines have improved the sexual fantasies of TSA employees. Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett, "This vital piece of technology eliminates wondering what a woman might look like underneath her garments. Crucial time is no longer at lost at airport security stations pondering whether breasts were round and firm or pendulous like ripe guava." Whiskett pointed out that improved sexual fantasies come with a cost. "More employees are taking extended restroom breaks. But this is a small price to pay for national security." There are 46 machines in place at 23 airports with more on the way. Whiskett would like passengers disturbed by full-body scanners to remember the "TSA is America's first line of defense against privacy and large bottles of lotion."

Student on Field Trip Discovers Alien Death Ray

HIBBING, MN - While accompanying his class on a nature walk, 11-year-old Alan Heckling discovered an alien death ray that implodes matter, leaving the debris highly radioactive. "I saw the butt sticking out of the snow. It works just like an air pistol,"said Heckling, pointing the weapon at a parked beer truck. Seconds later, the truck vanished in a silent, lavender flash. "My teacher, Mrs. Comstock, tried to take the ray gun away. She's gone now. So is Charles Fina, who pantsed me last year at a school assembly. And Genna Potter, who called me 'Snotflake' in the cafeteria and got the whole class saying it. Genna is now 10-7 Earth." Heckling was unsure about the weapon's power source or how many 'shots' it might have left. "I guess the right thing would be to give it to my parents or the army. But then I'll never see it again." Sirens sounded in the distance and a helicopter swooped low overhead. Heckling was thoughtful. "Right now, I never have to go to school again. Or eat kidney beans. Or wash my sister's stump. 'Cause I got a ray gun. Sweet."

Apple Debuts iMower

CUPERTINO, CA - Apple has developed a new iPad built into a Snapper 54-inch Yardmaster riding mower. Executives unveiled the computer/mower on the 18th fairway of the Deep Cliff Golf Course, uploading ebook pages from a swivel screen on the right arm rest while trimming back the rough. "The iMower is a response to critics who said the iPad couldn't multitask," said Apple spokesperson Julian Billet. "Now you can surf the web and cut the grass of any golf course or cemetery. I'd call that doing two things at once." Weighing over a thousand pounds, the iMower comes equipped with a 1024 x 768 screen, iPhone OS 3.2, electric blade engagement, and a 6-galleon fuel tank. Said Billet, "I'm thinking the next generation iMower will have a removable iPad, so you can take it inside upon completion of your lawn care needs. But one thing at a time."

'Ethan Frome' Video Game Fails

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Following the release of Dante's Inferno, Novacon/Deepgnome took a shot at marketing their own literature-framed, action video game. The disappointing result was Ethan Frome: Sled Ride to Hell. Based on the 1911 novel by Edith Wharton, 'Frome' follows the title character around a realistic CGI setting of Starkfield, Massachusetts as he cares for his sickly, shrewish wife, Zenobia, while battling attraction to her lively cousin, Mattie Silver.

"This wasn't a strong choice of subject matter," said syndicated game critic Dillon Overs. "'Inferno' has devils and hell. You can work with that. 'Frome' has Massachusetts. Honestly, what's the point of platforming on Xbox 360 and charging $60 to follow a repressed New Englander?" Despite the presence of multiple levels, no real action takes place until Level 9 when Frome and Mattie attempt suicide on a sled. "Who commits suicide on a sled?" asked Overs. "This game is so slow and depressing it could be a comedy on NBC."

Scathing reviews have resulted in meager retail sales. "They [Novacon/Deepgnome] got cocky because Klezmer Hero was such a surprise hit," continued the critic. "They should've waited for Sony to make something successful, then ripped off the idea. That's what everybody else does." (Image: West Bend Library)

Cameron to Tackle 'Children's Hour' in 3-D

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On the heels of his uber-successful film Avatar, director James Cameron plans a controversial big-budget remake of The Children's Hour using 3-D technology. "The studio was a little hesitant," said Cameron associate Dean Thomas. "I mean, 'Children's Hour' is a famous play by Lillian Hellman and not really 3-D subject matter. But let's face it, no one can 'no' to Jimmy right now." Cameron is having a huge, performance capture stage built that will serve as the all-girl boarding school. Casting is still in the works, but actresses portraying accused lesbian teachers Karen Wright and Martha Dobie will wear leotard-like motion capture suits. Said Thomas, "Jimmy wants to have stereoscopic cameras zooming in on the teachers from every angle, especially after they learn of Mary Tilford's lies." Using a mixture of CGI and live-action photography, Cameron hopes to create an illusion of depth that will heighten Martha's climatic suicide. According to Thomas, "When Martha shoots herself, the audience is gonna feel like they got a face-full of brains." No release date has been set as executives desperately hope the Cameron magic continues. "Jimmy's not stopping for anybody," mused Thomas. "In fact, if 'Children's Hour' pulls in big box office, he might try A Doll's House. But one thing at a time."

Federal Reserve Space Program Features Stairway of Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With NASA's lunar program dead, the Federal Reserve has assumed space travel responsibilities and intends printing dollars to form a cash stairway to the moon. "We're already cranking out trillions for next year's budget," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "Why not print out a couple of centillion more?" Working with engineers, the Fed hopes to construct a framework in the shape of a huge staircase that will be paved with cash. "People will be able to walk to the moon on five and ten dollar bills," added Bernanke. "But we still have to figure out how to keep the cash from floating off into space. Oh, and the people too, I guess." The project is estimated to take 190 years just to complete the framework. Bernanke was philosophical. "I know it's a long time, and no one alive now will ever see completion. But, on the upside, money is no object." (Image: PD Photos.com)

iPad Presentation Overshadowed by iPad Jokes

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Apple chief executive Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad touch-screen computer at the Yerba Buena Center. The middle ground between a laptop and an iPhone, no one paid attention to Job's demonstration because the crowd was busy making tampon jokes. "Does it have a string attached to it?" quipped tech writer Angelina Meeble. "I can't wait for some chick in the next stall to ask if I've got a spare iPad." Jobs attempted to quell the humor, but finally settled for teasing Apple's next two products: a new laptop known as the iEnema and a new version of the iPhone called iCyst.

Anti-War Video Game Features First Person Puppets

EVERETT, WA - See through the eyes of a giant puppet as Novacon/Deepgnome publishes Call of Protest, the first anti-war video game. Players assume the roles of protesters, organizers, and goofs in Uncle Sam hats as they march and chant, attempting to shut down a future war between the United States and the imaginary nation of Bellawania. While marching, players interact with a Washington, D.C. environment as they battle through counter-protesters, police lines, and a lack of washrooms. By kicking piles of trash dropped by other demonstrators, players can acquire the ability to walk on stilts, wear huge puppet heads with devil horns and a Hitler moustache, and carry signs with trenchant slogans such as "Screw Zionist Amerika" and "War Makes Me Sad and Weepy." Designed for PC, Play Station 3, and XBox 360, "Protest" features a special mode that allows players to cooperate in trashing a McDonald's or overturning cop cars. A time limit goads players to hurry, otherwise they risk being overtaken by the Naked Bike Ride for Peace. Call of Protest is rated Mature for scenes with naked old people and all that implies. (Photo: ESRB website)

Predator Drone Shows Reruns

BAGRAM AIR BASE, AFGHANISTAN - An MQ-1 predator drone has been grounded after the system began airing reruns of past strikes. An anonymous source reported Air Force controllers alerted superiors that the terrain and targets appearing on the drone's cameras were from missions conducted three months prior. "We're not sure why this is happening," said the source. "Intelligence says its not Iranian hacking, so WTF, you know?" Air Force technicians are investigating the glitch in conjunction with tests run by manufacturer General Atomics Aerenautical Systems. However, in an ominous sign, unconfirmed reports have surfaced that a CIA drone recently aired an old episode of That 70s Show, while another drone played back the 1987 Preakness, won by Alysheba. (Photo: ubisurv.wordpress.com)

Japanese Man Weds Virtual Bride, No One Stunned

TOKYO, JAPAN - A man calling himself Sal9000 has wed a virtual woman, surprising no one. Neil Wells of AP called the story a yawner. "A Japanese guy hooking up with a virtual woman is like reporting seawater salty. What else is new?" Nene Anegasaki, the virtual wife, is from a Nintendo dating simulation game called Love Plus, though Sal9000 married her in a real ceremony. "Typical these days," said Japanese Shinto priest Ito Atsugi. "At least this fellow [Sal9000] married a computer woman. Last week I married two men to Pokemon characters and one man to a golf glove." Sal9000 wandered Tokyo with his new bride, ending up at a karaoke bar where they raised no eyebrows performing a duet on 'Neutron Dance.' "This is quite common," said karaoke bar owner, Akhiro Sato. "A man came in last week married to a paperback copy of Infinite Jest. He bought the book a beer, then left it on the bar to chat up a woman on television. I don't know a lot about these things, but I think the book was upset." (Photo: symonsez.wordpress.com)

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo: memory-alpha.org)

Brie Shortage Mars UN Climate Change Summit

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Minister Connie Hedegaard's speech on global unity in the face of climate change was disrupted when the brie ran out at the Climate Change Buffet, leading delegates to murmur and grumble. "They murmured very loudly," said Hedegaard, Danish Minister for Climate and Energy. "I had a microphone and I could still hear the murmuring, and the grumbling as well." In addition to brie shortages, delegates reported the risotto contained leeks and shitake mushrooms, but no truffles as advertised. "Our we to down grade the world's economy on an empty stomach?" asked UN climate chief Yvo de Boer. Culinary snafus led several delegations to leave Bella Center and fly their private jets to France for lunch. "All the braised lamb shanks were eaten by NGOs," said Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "Those who believe most deeply in climate change should not be the ones starving. It isn't fair." (Photo: 7akifadi.com)

'Avatar' Talky, Lacks CGI Action Scenes

HOLLYWOOD, CA - A sneak peak at James Cameron's Avatar revealed a film long on esoteric dialogue and short on action set-pieces. The sci-fi epic tells the tale of veteran Jake Sully, a paraplegic on an alien world, who lives through an artificial avatar. Despite a setup rich with promise, the film sinks into a series of obscure discussions on the nature of avatars and whether Vishnu's descendants had more an impact on humanity than those of Shiva and Ganesha. At one point, Jake encounters a race of blue aliens who also turn out to be Hindu. They are devotees of the divine aspects of Krishna and keep trying to sell Jake colorful religious picture books printed on good quality paper. When an invading force attacks, there is a huge off-screen battle with deafening sound-effects as Jake and the blue aliens quarrel over the Guna avatars and their relation to the three modes of nature. This film will appeal to Vedic scholars and Microsoft customer support. Everyone else should rent the first Terminator. (Photo: jpg - i153.photobucket.com/.../Ganesha_Panchamukha.jpg)

Hadron Collider Ready For Next Glitch

SWITZERLAND - Back in operation after a year of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider is ready to begin breaking down again. According to Director Gustav Hertzel of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, "The collider is a complicated machine that operates in a 17-mile long tunnel at a temperature of 271 degrees below zero Celisus. At an energy of 14 trillion electron volts, it generates almost a billion collisions per second between protons. I have no idea what any of that means, but it is very difficult to maintain and breaks down a lot." Hertzel frankly admitted the experimental potential of the LHC, and its ultimate value to science, was overstated. "This device was specifically designed to break down. Then it was designed to be fixed by people working lots of overtime and weekends at double time. One of them is my brother-in-law. Another is a cousin. Then there are the scientists, waiting for the LHC to operate correctly. Hapless fools. They should've learned to fix LHC's." (Photo: newsbiscuit.com)