Tuesday, April 12, 2011
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As more details emerge, it appears the Republican Party backed the Democrats into a corner on the budget deal, winning cuts of less than 15 billion in exchange for a handful of magic beans. "They really scalped us," said White House spokesman Neil Ferris. "John Boehner is an absolute crack negotiator. I can't tell you how painful it was to hand over those valuable magic beans." Originally billed as winning 38.5 billion in cuts and eliminating several Czars, the budget deal now turns out to have cut virtually nothing—thanks to federal sleight-of-hand accounting tricks—and that the Czars in question were already gone. Nonetheless, the Republican leadership crowed over winning the beans. "They really are hotties," said a source close to House Speaker Boehner. "John [Boehner] is going to plant them tonight on the Mall. I'll bet by tomorrow a big beanstalk grows and we'll get a golden harp and sacks of regular gold and use that to save the country from trillions in debt." Ferris expressed fear for the future. "We've still got the debt limit vote coming up as well as the 2012 budget. With the Republicans on a roll like this, I don't know what we'll give them if they demand more cuts. All we have left is an old lamp."