Friday, April 1, 2011

New White House Mandate: Wind-Powered Fighting Vehicles

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  President Obama's green vehicle directive has been expanded to include the U.S. Army which must convert its Bradley Fighting Vehicles (BVFS) to wind-power. In a speech last week, the President stated the entire federal fleet must consist of clean energy vehicles by 2015 and that included the Army. "Our future kinetic military actions must demonstrate to friend and foe alike this nation's commitment to sustainable energy."

According to Army spokesman Major Tom Alexander, the White House believed that since the Army often fights in deserts and other windy places, a propeller driven vehicle would make the most sense as well as leaving hardly any carbon footprint. "We're beginning with the M3A3 Cavalry version of the Bradley," said Maj. Alexander. "After removing the fuel tank and engine, a large propeller will be added on a tower fixed above the turret and only slightly impeding the firing of TOW and Dragon anti-tank missiles."

Abrams Tanks and Humvees will await retro-fitting pending field tests of the new green Bradleys under combat conditions in Afghanistan. "Should the wind die down consistently stranding vehicles in hostile locations, then we'll look into alternatives," said Alexander. "At present, that would involve purchasing a Nissan Leaf and fitting it with a 25mm Bushmaster Chain Gun. But I hope it doesn't come to that."

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