Empathetic Gore Ingests Polar Bear DNA

HUDSON BAY, CANADA - Concerned over the possible shrinking of the polar bear population and determined to bring their plight to the world's attention, Noble Prize winning environmentalist Al Gore has ingested polar bear DNA. This dramatic move has given the Oscar winning filmmaker the head and arms of an adult polar bear along with a voracious appetite for seal meat. "A bear I am and a bear I will remain until we stop global warming," said Gore through Lisa Maple-Kweelo, an interpreter who claimed to be a bear whisperer. Maple-Kweelo believes polar bears are drowning because the Arctic ice cap is melting due to climate change—a colder form of global warming. She went on to explain that "no one asked the former vice-president to acquire the head and arms of a polar bear. And for that matter, no one asked for him to return to human form. We simply accept this transformation as part of his Goreness." Maple-Kweelo felt Gore was fine provided he was fed raw meat with a high blubber content. "If he doesn't get that he'll hunt and devour a household pet, then the air will be filled with the keening of children."

New White House Mandate: Wind-Powered Fighting Vehicles

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  President Obama's green vehicle directive has been expanded to include the U.S. Army which must convert its Bradley Fighting Vehicles (BVFS) to wind-power. In a speech last week, the President stated the entire federal fleet must consist of clean energy vehicles by 2015 and that included the Army. "Our future kinetic military actions must demonstrate to friend and foe alike this nation's commitment to sustainable energy."

According to Army spokesman Major Tom Alexander, the White House believed that since the Army often fights in deserts and other windy places, a propeller driven vehicle would make the most sense as well as leaving hardly any carbon footprint. "We're beginning with the M3A3 Cavalry version of the Bradley," said Maj. Alexander. "After removing the fuel tank and engine, a large propeller will be added on a tower fixed above the turret and only slightly impeding the firing of TOW and Dragon anti-tank missiles."

Abrams Tanks and Humvees will await retro-fitting pending field tests of the new green Bradleys under combat conditions in Afghanistan. "Should the wind die down consistently stranding vehicles in hostile locations, then we'll look into alternatives," said Alexander. "At present, that would involve purchasing a Nissan Leaf and fitting it with a 25mm Bushmaster Chain Gun. But I hope it doesn't come to that."
 (Image: globalsecurity.org)

Earth Hour To Feature Outer Darkness, Wailing, Gnashing of Teeth

 SEATTLE, WA - This year's Earth Hour offers a new wrinkle, asking everyone to 'go beyond the hour' and spend 120 minutes outside in a dark place, wailing and gnashing their teeth. "There's something very poetic about that," said Mila Husting, a local Earth Hour organizer. The global event, scheduled for March 26 at 8:30 PM local time, has traditionally asked individuals and businesses to switch off all lights for one hour to signify awareness of global warming. But Hustings felt the action too tame and safe. "We want everyone experiencing the same anguish as our planet."

After stressing the need for participants to dress sensibly for local conditions, Husting conceded that two hours was a long time to wail. "We've held several workshops and people run out of gas quickly. That's why we've including Earth Sayings." Hustings explained that 'Earth Sayings' were proactive statements the earth would utter if it could talk during Earth Hour. The activities are ways to 'green up' a local environment. The idea is for participants to wail a few minutes, cry out an Earth Saying, perform the suggested action, then return to wailing. Earth Saying examples include:

"Owww, electric light hurts my eyes. Someone please break that street lamp."

"My earth skin hurts from coal mining. Dig a hole right here, right now and relieve the pressure with a potted plant."

"My earth tummy is full from so much trash. Please take other people's garbage home with you and make it taste good for me. Collect some now."

"And let's not forget teeth gnashing," added Hustings. "Many people just go 'grrrr' like a dog with a rag. We're asking everyone to really grind their teeth in rage and anguish—unless they have loose dentures or a note from a dentist."

Hustings felt it could take years for this form of 'green empathy' to catch on. "There's an initial fear of appearing silly and odd. But once we assure people they're saving the planet by sitting in the dark and baying like mourners at a Chinese funereal then they dive in big time." (Image: Earth Hour)

Bulbs Dim as Whale Lamps Light Up California

SACRAMENTO, CA - With the Golden State phasing out 100-watt incandescent light bulbs beginning Jan. 1, retailers are gearing up to sell lamps powered by whale oil. Once popular as an illuminant and a rust protector for iron bridges and dental implements, whale oil use diminished after the mid-19 century discovery of kerosene. But with incandescents being replaced by CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Lights) and CFL's having numerous drawbacks—mercury-filled, costly, odd twisty shapes—whale oil has been staging a quiet green fuel comeback.

In Cambria at Whales and Walking Sticks, owner Kadie Freeman sold another lamp and a half-barrel of fuel. "Baleen oil lasts the longest,"said Freeman, "though pilot whale oil will do in a pinch." Once a staunch member of Greenpeace, Freeman realized that drastic action was necessary to combat global warming. "All life on earth is toast if we don't immediately  reduce our energy consumption," she said, eyes alight with conviction. "Humans are giving up practical, easy-to-replace incandescent bulbs. The least whales can do is part with a little oil."

At New Lamps for Old in San Francisco, manager Billy Bitkin stated many customers liked the smell of whale oil. "It's very sea-like, very timbers-creaking-sort-of-thing." Bitkin can't wait until spring when eco tours embark on gray whale hunts. "Thar she blows," he joked. Bitkin and others sail out near the Farallon Islands, wait for gray whales to surface, then blast them with shotguns loaded with deer slugs. The carcasses are towed back to a cove near Sausalito where passengers don rubber aprons and help strip and boil down the whale for its oil. "When we're done, we each get a little keg of whale oil to take home," added Bitkin. "It's like ashes-at-a-funereal-only-practical-sort-of-thing."(Image: MSNBC.com)

Fed To Use 'Cash Balls' to Plug Deepwater

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has vowed to end the Deepwater oil leak by stuffing trillions of wadded-up dollars inside the pipe. According to Fed sources, Bernanke has created huge 'cash balls' for the purpose of plugging up the oil. "Fed printing presses haven't stopped running since the Stimulus Plan," said a source close to the chairman. "We can't spend money fast enough and we're running out of storage space. Maybe the cash will do some good at the bottom of the Gulf." Bernanke plans on using visualization to improve his aim, pretending the Deepwater opening belongs to Goldman-Sachs, thus lending the operation an air of realism.

City Celebrates Earth Day with Wind-Powered Traffic Signals

COSTA LUNA, CA - Determined to lead the way in sustainability, Costa Luna has become the first U.S. city to feature wind-powered traffic lights. "We use clean energy with zero greenhouse gas emissions," said Mayor Andrea Neeper-Klon. "Our turbines turn 24/7...or would if the wind were always blowing." According to critics, that's been a major problem as frequent high pressure conditions leave Costa Luna hot and windless, stranding motorists at traffic signals for hours at a time. "You've got people climbing 70-foot wind towers, trying to spin big blades," said Cam Delore of Citizens For Normal Traffic Signals. "Someone's gonna fall and hurt themselves." Even with wind, vehicles are in danger of being struck by falling birds, killed by the whirling turbines. Neeper-Klon acknowledged the problems and promised to install gas generators to spin the blades on windless days. As for dead birds, children collect them as part of the city's Green Awareness Program. "Kids drop the birds off at homeless shelters were they're incorporated into nutritious, healthy suppers. Later, the homeless people make paint scrapers out of the beaks and claws, which they sell for cigarette money. Isn't that green?"

North Korea Borrows Electric Light for Earth Hour

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Anxious to show Earth Hour solidarity with other nations, an embarrassed North Korea was forced to borrow a table lamp from South Korea in order to have electricity to turn off. "The whole country is darker than the eyes of an ox," said Dak-ho Kim, a South Korean soldier. "They have nothing, except a large nuclear bomb." North Korean officials refused to answer queries, but sources inside the government indicated that participating in Earth Hour was a signal to the U.S. that the North was interested in talks as a precondition to more serious talks that could lead to a nice conference somewhere. Earth Hour is in its fourth year, organized by the World Wildlife Fund as a gesture to increase environmental awareness. (The WWF is also noted for creating pretend climate change data and having it placed into IPCC reports.) At the end of Earth Hour, Kim reported North Korea refused to return the lamp, instead eating it with grass and pond water.

Conference Okays Polar Bear Chimichangas

DOHA, QATAR - Food lovers rejoiced as a UN conference on endangered wildlife upheld the trade in polar bear chimichangas. "This is a victory for anyone who loves deep-fried, flour tortillas stuffed with polar bear meat," said Canadian chef Jacques Bidet. Americans at the 175-nation conference argued that polar bear populations are threatened by potential global warming as well Eskimo hunting, and murder by other disgruntled polar bears. Often accompanied by salsa, guacamole, sour cream and cheese, polar bear chimichangas have been exempt from most international conferences under the 1976 Odd Foods Treaty. However, members of the US Fish and Wildlife Commission had hoped to end the trade as well as prohibit all harvesting and sale of polar bear organs, particularly the rib cage which is prized by the Chinese who use it as a xylophone. "We're disappointed by the vote," said Fish and Wildlife under secretary Haymon Loquat. "But we'll keep trying to save them [bears], even if their population is growing. We love polar bears almost as much as international conferences. Maybe less. Yes, less. I have a big hotel room."

EPA Using Green Police Ad as Viagra

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Reports have surfaced that members of the Environmental Protection Agency have begun using Audi's Green Police commercial to cure erectile dysfunction. "I've had my little problems because of work pressures, divorce," said an anonymous EPA source. "But you have no freaking idea how hot that ad made me." Aired during the Super Bowl, the commercial showed 'green' police entering homes to arrest people for crimes such as throwing batteries in the trash and not recycling. "I saw myself in that commercial," said the source, "riding a Segway with a 9mm on my hip, handcuffing planetary criminals. I became a dynamo in bed. That inflatable sea otter never knew what hit her." Later, the source stated he called other Bay area EPA employees in his erectile dysfunction support group. "Everyone who saw that commercial felt exactly the same way. Except I was the only one riding a Segway."

IPCC: Snowpocalypse Hottest Blizzard on Record

NEW YORK CITY, NY- The IPCC has released data confirming that a huge blizzard striking the U.S. east coast is not only the hottest record snowfall ever recorded, but a clear sign of the shifting face of global warming. "Climate change is cunning like a mongoose or a very sneaky man," said IPCC spokesman Sanjuk Patel. "It circles around to attack in forms you would not recognize such as vast clouds of snow." Under fire from critics for inserting unproven global warming claims into reports, as well as the use of divination, the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has conducted a rigorous internal review. According to Patel, the result is tougher standards resulting in irrefutable science. To back the claim that snow is hotter now than at anytime in earth's past, Patel cited data vetted by Nickelodeon Kids' News and the National Wildlife Federation's Ranger Rick Green Zone. "This is a molten blizzard. Period. End of story," said Patel. "And while it has the appearance of cold, you must not be confused by deniers, clearly in the pay of large corporations." Patel was emphatic as he urged the public to "throw away the evidence of your senses and trust the IPCC. I do."

IPCC Defends Use of Divination

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A spokesman for the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has defended the panel's use of divination to forecast melting glaciers in the Andes. Said Sanjuk Patel, "We employed an Augur who watched the flight of various birds. By studying the birds' formation, he was able to predict that global warming was melting glaciers in the Andes. This man is credentialed at an important Augury school. What more do you need?" Answering his own question, Patel said the Augur's work was subjected to robust peer-review. "A Chinese sorcerer dropped a handful of magic sticks. When he picked them up, they all pointed in the direction of Chile." In addition, a man who dowses for water was asked by Patel whether the Andes' glaciers were melting. He felt it was probably so. "It's not like we pull this information out from between our hams," said Patel. "Global warming is too vital an issue to be left to chance."

Students Participate in Global Climate Inaction Day

BEAVER FALLS, PA - Children at Joe Namath Elementary School are learning about spelling instead of recycling as part of Global Climate Inaction Day. "Most of the semester, our kids are taught about drowned polar bears and pretty island nations submerged by rising sea levels," said second grade teacher Terri Roytan. " So, on this one day, the school focuses on non-global warming subjects and just teaches math and reading, stuff like that." Roytan stated the school is under a lot of pressure from parents to make everyday climate inaction day, but dismissed the concerns. "If these kids don't go home frightened over anthropogenic global warming, we haven't done our jobs. But try and get parents to see that." Roytan believes the day of inaction may work in favor of a terrorcentric curriculum. "I'm pretty sure that after a day of history and quizzes, kids will be eager to sit back and learn how Man is destroying everything cute and good. We're telling kids Avatar is real and that they need to become blue to become green. Just not today."

Letter From the Earth to Danny Glover

Dear Mr. Glover,
I have big underground plates that rub together. The big plate rubbing causes earthquakes. Not global warming and not some dorky meeting in Copenhagen.

Do I talk about the acting moments you missed in Bat 21? Do I talk about how Mel Gibson carried you on his back through the whole Lethal Weapon series? (You should kiss that man's hand for extending your career. )

Anyway, stop blaming things on global warming. It's not a threat to me, really. Relax, get out more, kiss a woman. I wish I could.

The Earth

PBS 'Fudge Factor' Teaches Kids Science Fakery

ARLINGTON, VA - PBS announced a January 2010 premiere for Fudge Factor, a new program aimed at teaching preschoolers how to fake science data to support global warming. Created in association with the East Anglia Climate Research Unit, the program aims to instruct kids in crafting bogus computer models that will trick people into believing the immanent arrival of environmental doom. "Youngsters are naturally creative," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "By using imagination we're building fun into fakery and, hopefully, grooming a new generation of climate scientists." Guiding children on their educational journey is the character of Happy Goodpine. "We didn't want kids to fear the planet, so we came up with Happy. He's sort of the spirit of environmentalism and love of earth all rolled into one." Played by actor Gym Wenger, Happy capers about in a big pine costume, speaking in a high-pitched falsetto. Logan-Taylor points out that "he's the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, if you follow me." Providing a break from making 2 + 2 = 117, Happy leads little learners in games and activities that revolve around worship and adoration of Gaia. "We have a 28-foot marble effigy of the mother goddess giving birth to Uranus," added Logan-Taylor. "But kids complained about prostrating themselves before the deity because the floor was cold. Then Happy thought of having youngsters remove all clothing and jump over a campfire screaming praises to Gaia, Earth-Mother, All-Good. That seemed to solve the chill problem. We're asking parents at home to supervise their kids should they wish to pass naked through flame in adoration of Gaia. It's a safety issue." (Photo: posneg.wordpress.com)

Today in Global Warming History

• These events critical to the future of the planet took place on December 15:

• 1811 - Massive earthquake strikes New Madrid, Missouri as the result of cow and chicken droppings that aided global warming, causing Gaia to retaliate.

• 1939 - Gone With the Wind premiers. Smoke from the burning of Atlanta directly contributed to anthropogenic global warming.

• 1954 - Fordham University drops football after it is learned that all team sports except soccer contribute to global warming.

• 1964 - Canada adopts Maple Leaf flag, replacing old emblem of drowned polar bears, bobbing dead in an iceless sea.

• 1973 - Pirates of the Caribbean ride opens at Disneyland without offsetting its carbon footprint.

• 1990 - Rock star Rod Stewart marries super model Rachel Hunter in a ceremony that featured fireworks which subsequently destroyed the ozone layer.

Anthropogenic Accordion Music Threatens Planet

BELOIT, WI - Inspired by the UN Climate Summit, one accordion player is pumped up over playing green. "I need to do my part and help the Earth by performing smarter, more energy efficient songs," said musician Andy "Stosh" Czarninski. Czarninski has vowed to avoid up tempo ditties such as 'Flight of the Bumblebee' or Klezmer music, instead concentrating on sustainable tunes such as John Lennon's 'Give Peace a Chance.' "After a point, its the same notes over and over forever. That's efficient and sustainable if you can stay awake." Czarninski, who plays a Hohner 460 Polkamaster with Tyrolean shoulder straps, suggests fellow accordion players keep their instruments in tune by checking metal coil springs and rubber membrane contacts. "And don't forget the bellows. Make sure there's no leaks. That way the reeds will respond better to pressure changes. That's how we can play sustainable songs and save the world. Anyone says different is an accordion denier." (Photo:library.thinkquest.org)

Brie Shortage Mars UN Climate Change Summit

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Minister Connie Hedegaard's speech on global unity in the face of climate change was disrupted when the brie ran out at the Climate Change Buffet, leading delegates to murmur and grumble. "They murmured very loudly," said Hedegaard, Danish Minister for Climate and Energy. "I had a microphone and I could still hear the murmuring, and the grumbling as well." In addition to brie shortages, delegates reported the risotto contained leeks and shitake mushrooms, but no truffles as advertised. "Our we to down grade the world's economy on an empty stomach?" asked UN climate chief Yvo de Boer. Culinary snafus led several delegations to leave Bella Center and fly their private jets to France for lunch. "All the braised lamb shanks were eaten by NGOs," said Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "Those who believe most deeply in climate change should not be the ones starving. It isn't fair." (Photo: 7akifadi.com)

Jones Leaves Behind Earth City

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has announced his resignation in order to devote more time to communism and 9/11 Truther work, leaving numerous green projects unfinished. Mila Paganette, a Green Jobs spokesperson, expressed a sense of loss. "Van wanted to dig a barge canal from Seattle to Utah using green technology such as wooden axes and shovels. That would've employed many people for a long, long time." In addition, there was the Deep Holes Project, in which Jones foresaw using tea party mobs to dig a series of deep holes in the Alaskan permafrost using green technology such as pots and pans. But Jones' crowning achievement was-to-have-been New Earth City - a vast metropolis constructed in southern Arizona and modeled after Karnak in Luxor. Colossal temples dedicated to the environment, activism, and community organizing were envisioned, surrounded by immense statues of Barack Obama, Robert Gibbs, and George Clooney. Only the greenest of technology would've been used in construction," sighed Paganette. "including sticks, mud, and air, filled with happy worker songs." Paganette believes New Earth City will still happen. "Van will build it as soon as he overthrows capitalism, frees Mumia and exposes the 9/11 plot. Until then, we'll just have to wait along with the rest of the country." (Photo: squidoo.com)

Obama Apologizes to D-Day Beaches

NORMANDY, FRANCE - In a stirring speech, President Barack Obama apologized to Utah and Omaha beaches for Americans landing on them sixty-five years ago. "It must have hurt your sand a great deal," said the President. "I know that when I golf, I always have someone rake my traps. I can only imagine the discomfort of millions of men tramping across you and not cleaning up behind." Pausing for effect, the President continued: "But those days are gone. We are just a nation among nations, friend to sand everywhere. And should the sand have oil underneath it, well, what's wrong with that?" The President refused comment on whether British and Canadian representatives would apologize to Gold, Juno and Sword beaches. "I would hope that sand everywhere is respected. Much of my policy is built upon this substance and I know its worth." (Photo:www.francemonthly.com/.../ images/omaha-beach.jpg)

Hollering Makes Workplaces Greener

PORTLAND, OR - A new study shows bellowing loudly at employees is the quickest way to turn a workplace green. "People 'get' negative reinforcement when it comes to the planet," said Professor Alice Horner, author of the study on behalf of Oregon's Department of Environmental Quality. Horner tested workplaces where green rules were merely posted. She then compared them to places where rules were known only to supervisory personal who couldn't be harmed in any way without severe repercussions. "When rules are just posted, workers aren't as careful. Often they'll forget elementary tasks such as printing paper on both sides, or turning off computers at night." However green compliance skyrocketed in hollering-friendly workplaces. "Say an employee offers a visitor bottled water instead of tap water. By shrieking at this employee that they're killing the Earth and everyone on it, a supervisor reinforces a lesson that won't be forgotten. In addition, the "green scream" lets everyone else know the environment is under attack and by whom."  Horner admits turn-over is higher in companies with yelling, but attributes that to ignorance. "Workers should realize that ruffled feelings are a small price to pay for a healthy planet. And if they don't, they're stupid, greedy polluters." (Photo: www.istockphoto.com)