Monday, February 15, 2010
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Gen. Stanley McChrystal announced that Vice-President Joe Biden's motorcade will be deployed as part of Operation Moshtarak. Known unofficially as the 'Hell Drivers,' the motorcade favors an aggressive style which the army plans using as a battering ram against Taliban fighters hold up in Marja. "They'll speed past IEDs and mow down the Taliban as if they were taxpayers," said Public Affairs Officer Captain Ron King. "We [U.S. Army] used to recruit Dominos Pizza delivery kids. They motored hard and broke more land speed records than half the rocket cars at Bonneville. But they went soft. Now we look for federal employees driving SUVs. There's nothing more dangerous. They've got lifetime jobs and they're above the law, so we don't have to worry who they hit. We're hoping it's mostly the enemy." Since last November, the 'Hell Drivers' have killed a D.C. pedestrian and slightly injured skater Peggy Fleming in Vancouver. "Safest place to be is topside in a 'copter," said Captain King. "I'll have a radio in one hand and popcorn in the other watching 'em tear ass across the landscape. It'll be better than watching skateboard fails on You Tube."