Weiner Seeks OJ Help in Locating Phantom Hacker

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following testy remarks to reporters, Congressman Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., announced he is seeking help from O.J. Simpson in locating the unknown person who hacked his Twitter account and sent a photo—allegedly of Weiner's junk—to a 21-year-old co-ed. Said Weiner, "I'm asking for assistance from the one man who has shown the determination to clear his name no matter the cost or time."

Simpson is currently serving 33 years in Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center. Nevertheless, Weiner stated O.J.'s dogged 13-year pursuit of his wife Nicole's killer inspired him to seek counsel from a man who knew what it felt like to have evidence stacked up against him. "It didn't matter," snapped Weiner, "O.J. battled to find the real perpetrator and clear his name right up to the moment they convicted him for robbery and kidnapping."

Weiner layed out his reasoning. "Someone sent a picture of a man's pup tent to this chick I used to follow on Twitter named Gennette Cordova and whom I'm not going to talk about. Probably some creep like Andrew Breitbart. Well, I want this phantom hacker nailed. I want the person who jepordized my marriage nailed. I want the person trying to ruin my political career nailed."

Weiner pointed out that, like any crime victim, he immediately refrained from filing a police report and lawyered up. "This is just common sense. Now I want my good name back and the best way is to privately track down the real perpetrator just like O.J. did for all those years. I'm hoping he has some great tips."
(Image: theyeshivaworld.com)

Hollywood Misplaces Pro-Iraqi War Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Memorial Day, a sheepish Hollywood establishment admitted they had accidentally lost all films depicting the military in Iraq and Afghanistan in a positive light. "We could only find the films showing G.I.'s as either brain-dead killers or victims of George W. Bush and his criminal policies," said MGM studio exec. Seth Lane. Lane pointed to films such as Green Zone, In the Valley of Elah, Grace is Gone, Redacted and Lions for Lambs as negative examples of Americans fighting in a post-9/11 world.

"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
(Image: newbusters.org)

Empathetic Gore Ingests Polar Bear DNA

HUDSON BAY, CANADA - Concerned over the possible shrinking of the polar bear population and determined to bring their plight to the world's attention, Noble Prize winning environmentalist Al Gore has ingested polar bear DNA. This dramatic move has given the Oscar winning filmmaker the head and arms of an adult polar bear along with a voracious appetite for seal meat. "A bear I am and a bear I will remain until we stop global warming," said Gore through Lisa Maple-Kweelo, an interpreter who claimed to be a bear whisperer. Maple-Kweelo believes polar bears are drowning because the Arctic ice cap is melting due to climate change—a colder form of global warming. She went on to explain that "no one asked the former vice-president to acquire the head and arms of a polar bear. And for that matter, no one asked for him to return to human form. We simply accept this transformation as part of his Goreness." Maple-Kweelo felt Gore was fine provided he was fed raw meat with a high blubber content. "If he doesn't get that he'll hunt and devour a household pet, then the air will be filled with the keening of children."

Welcome Martin Bosque!

Martin Bosque has joined the INI staff as head of the Art Department. We welcome Martin and hope that his photo shop notions educate and amuse the vast horde of INI readers, often numbering in the dozens.

Bin Laden Alive in Song

He'll always be with us the way something that falls off a boat into the sea is always present in a limited sense.

Cannes Film Festival Kidnapped by Aliens, World Okay

CANNES, FRANCE - Stunned onlookers reported a vast alien space craft descended over the city and fired a ray of unknown origin that engulfed the entire 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival. The monstrous spacecraft, reported to be triangular in shape, used the ray to suck the film festival inside its hull then rapidly ascended, vanishing into the clouds. Among the missing are Sean Penn, Woody Allen, a number of French directors and many artistic sophisticates from across the globe.  Reaction among the world's populations has ranged from cautious optimism to a hard-to-pin-down happiness.

In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)

President Views Rapture as Tax Dodge, States He is Already Here

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama scoffed at rumors of a Christian rapture taking place tomorrow, stating that he is already present on Earth, walking among Mankind, thus there is no need for believers to be carted off to Heaven ahead of tribulation. "Whatever happens, I will be present to ensure that no harm comes to those who have faith in my judgement above their own." According to White House sources, the President has privately stated that anyone allowing spiritual forces to convey them was probably attempting to avoid paying their lawful share of taxes. Said Aaron Zorn, White House special assistant, "We don't have a ruling from Treasury yet, but the President feels strongly that divine intervention, conducted without consulting him first, is probably a Christian attempt to dodge 2011 taxes and will blow a hole in the deficit." According to Zorn, the President laughed at the idea that anyone would prefer a heaven over the paradise he is building on earth. "I am here, putting forth my polices and programs that will help my needy. But let those go who doubt my sincerity. Too bad they're gonna miss out on high speed rail and all the green jobs." Image: newstechnica.com)

HHS Exempts All Democrats From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Weary of issuing waivers for service unions and cool nightclubs in liberal districts, the Department of Health and Human Services has decreed a blanket exemption for all Democrats from any provision of President Obama's health care plan. "Our waiver process operates under the assumption that no one who runs a business wants this health care plan hung around their neck," said Kate Benson, spokesmen for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "So then how do you decide who gets a waiver? We'll if you happen to be an expensive restaurant in Congresswoman Pelosi's district, that's an automatic waiver. Same for any union anywhere. But what of other businesses? How should one decide?" Benson stated that by exempting all Democrats based on DNC donations for the 2012 presidential race, HHS had a clear view of whom to waiver. "Our job is so much easier," said Benson, a satisfied tone in her voice. "Now that all the good people are exempted it leaves only the greedy and selfish. However, if they wish to donate to any of the fine Democratic candidates preparing to run in the next election cycle, then they [businesses] are, by definition, 'good' and would qualify for a waiver. It's sad when people make this process more complicated than it needs to be." 
(Image: podcyprus.com)

White House Transparency Witness Disappears

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An evasive White House witness defending the administration's transparency policy vanished from the midst of a congressional hearing, leaving onlookers stunned. "One minute, he's right there," said House staffer Adam Dantonio. "The next second poof! gone; like a magic act." Security checked the floor and seat where the witness, White House aide Daniel Gordon, had been seated invoking confidentiality in response to congressional questions regarding a presidential transparency order. Said Dantonio, "Security couldn't find any trapdoors or flash palm smell. Then they checked the ceiling for a harness, but that didn't play out." Dantonio and others speculated that Gordon was so slippery he may have slid out quietly without attracting attention. "He [Gordon] was like a snake dipped in baby oil. You couldn't get a grip on him. He might have easily oozed from the room. Is there a comic book character who can turn into a slick liquid? If there isn't, someone should draw one and call it 'Gordon Man.'"
(Image: tribuneindia.com)

Syrian, Chinese Cops Praise Indiana Supreme Court Decision

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Police states around the world have hailed an Indiana Supreme Court ruling that citizens have no right to resist unlawful police entry into their homes. "At last, a modern common-sense decision," said Adad Al Hamwi, sniper for Syria's National Security Directorate. Al Hamwi took a moment out from shooting demonstrations in the southern Syrian city of Daraa to comment on the 3-2 decision. "By placing the blame for violent escalation firmly on citizens, the Indiana court has freed up the police to be dynamic and creative. Where is the fun in police work if anyone can defend their home? You couldn't kick in a door, or try out a new battering ram, without some criminal hiding behind this insane American 4th Amendment." Al Hamwi squeezed off two quick shots, dropping a sign-waving protester over two-hundred meters away. "You see the danger I was just in? That sign could put out an eye. That's why it's better for police to have all the rights."

Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)

Bin Laden Watched Reruns of 'Moesha'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Government officials today released several videos captured from Osama Bin Laden, including a tape of the late terrorist leader watching DVDs of cancelled UPN series, Moesha. According to a translation provided with the tape, Bin Laden asks someone offscreen why Moesha, played by Brandy Norwood, doesn't have numerous children as she appears to be 'fertile as a river delta.' The series which ran from 1996 to 2001 was apparently a Bin Laden favorite along with MSNBC prime time newscasts. In an interesting twist, Bin Laden believed MSNBC was actually an Al Jazeera news parody program like the Daily Show where actors mocked and criticised former President Bush for several hours a night.

But the strangest tape showed Bin Laden arguing with a camera operator as they attempted to film an infomercial for something called The Beard Club for Men. Bin Laden holds up an unlabeled plastic tube filled with liquid. The camera operator complains that without a label the liquid—thought to be a beard thickener—won't 'read.' Bin Laden argues they need the close up for a split screen image they'll build in post showing both the liquid and Osama sporting a rich luxuriant beard fluttering like a flag. Bin Laden explains he'll then voice over, 'I'm not just the Beard Club president, but I'm also a client by the will of Allah, may the prophet be praised. Now shoot it the way I want or you're scorpion meat.'

Other tapes consist of short vignettes including one of Bin Laden playing a joke on a guard by putting Nair in the man's turban.
(Image: vidiot.com)

Al Qaeda Pilgrims Perish Seeking Bin Laden Resting Place

ARABIAN SEA - Nineteen Al Qaeda pilgrims are believed drowned after leaping from a cargo vessel in an attempt to worship at the burial spot of executed terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Deposited into the ocean by U.S. Special Operations Forces following a brief ceremony, Bin Laden's remains are believed occupying an undisclosed location on the bottom of the Arabian Sea.

Captain Hobart Langke of the cargo ship S.S. Flan reported today that he took aboard nineteen Al Qaeda fighters in the port of Aden who wished passage to Bin Laden's "shrine." According to the fighters, the undisclosed burial spot had been declared a holy shrine by the Grand Mullah of South Mecca, a less holy shrine in its own right built to handle overflow crowds from the original, much holier, Mecca.

"I was very frightened," said Langke. "They had weapons and bombs and stringy beards with crackers and insects stuck in the hair. To them I say, 'The U.S. dumped the body in the sea. But where I don't know? And so they say, 'Hatred of Jew America and the Holy Koran will guide us.' And I say, 'Very well. That's 35 Euro a head—in advance.'"

After steaming several hours out of port, Langke stated the Al Qaeda pilgrims ordered him to stop all engines and drop anchor. Langke explains, "We're in the middle of nowhere and suddenly they all scream and burn an American flag and leaped overboard. It was like a pool party with a very unhappy ending. Later, I noticed several towels and ashtrays missing from the passenger lounge. I think they took them along when they jumped into the sea. Who benefits from that?"
(Image: hollywoodgo.com)

Army Helicopters Renamed After Radicals

FORT CAMPBELL, KY - Times they are 'changing at the home of the 101st Air Assault Division as the army removes all Indian designations from helicopters and replaces them with the names of prominent American radicals. "Native American people are sick and tired of being singled out for war-like qualities," said Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs Larry Echohawk. "What of our chanting and casinos? And the worst offender is the U.S. Army and their insensitive Indian-themed helicopters."

Spurred by Native American criticism of 'Geronimo' as code name for Osama Bin Laden, President Obama informed the Secretary of Defense that Indian names had to go. After an exhaustive study, the President decided the aircraft should be designated after radicals he knew and admired. "Make no mistake," said the President. "Nothing frightens our foes or cheers our friends more than knowing that heavily-armed aircraft are overhead named after our most concerned, outspoken citizens."

Preliminary reports indicate that Blackhawk helicopters will now be called the MH-6M Bill Ayers. The Kiowa Warrior Scout Helicopter has been redesignated the Bell OH-58 Bernardine Dohrn, while the Apache Attack Helicopter will now carry the title AH-64A/D Saul Alinsky.

In addition, the Alinsky Attack Helicopter is undergoing a fundamental redesign. The new Alinksy will be programmed to label other American helicopters "racist haters" and  encourage unwary aircraft to accept that label and attack them. According to the Department of Defense, future versions of all three choppers will include weapons software that fires automatically at corporations as well as individuals earning over $250,000 a year—excluding sports figures, Hollywood stars, and the Kennedys. 
(Images: Warplanes Online Community and friendburst.com)

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I Mean, um, Is That All Right to Chant Now?

Iowahawk muses over mercurial patriotism.
h/t: Little Miss Attila

Jubilant White House Wakes Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ecstatic over the killing of Osama Bin Ladin, the White House took the unusual step of waking Joe Biden from his pre-noon nap and telling him the news. Initially, the Vice-President was so excited he freed a number of reporters locked in various closets by his staff. But soon the sleepy Biden was nodding, snapping his head up, dabbing at the drool rolling down his chin like a gentle mountain stream, before eventually returning to deep rem sleep. The White House denies the Vice-President is generally asleep, referring to Biden's state as 'dynamic meditation.' Whatever the term may be, sources were clear that the Vice-President would not be disturbed again except for standing alerts to inform him when the administration is out of power or he is required to assume the Presidency.
(Image: kqbr.com)

Bin Laden's Body Stuffed, Propped Outside NYC Bar

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sources close to the White House state Osama Bin Laden's body has been flown to New York City, stuffed with straw, and placed outside Gorman's Tap, a tavern near the site of the World Trade Center. Said Gorman's manager Dan Carmichael, "We bid on it [the body] last week, beat out a carnival in Georgia, and had it delivered by UPS a few hours ago. We're charging a buck to be photographed with the skinny dead bastard." According to sources Bin Laden's body was prepared by a taxidermist who mostly works with tarpon. "He's [Bin Laden] got black beady marbles for eyes," said Carmichael, "and  they put him on a wooden plaque. But that's Okay. He's where he's supposed to be."

UPDATE: Carmichael disputes the current 'buried at sea' meme zipping around the Web. "We take him [Bin Laden] in at night, but he's still here. Once the novelty wears off I'm giving him to my cousin in Queens. He's a got a barber shop and thinks a famous dead terrorist outside will help business. I'm not so sure, but I think Charlie Sheen is freaking hilarious, so what do I know?"
(Image: the peoplesvoice.org)

May Day Festivities Attract Bums and Old Commies

ALLIANCE, OH - On this traditional day celebrating international labor activism, reports around the country indicate an unusually high turn out of tramps, winos, and aging communists nostalgic for the Pol Pot regime. Willa Martin, a former supervisor with the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles felt America needed a few years before the cities could be emptied out and Year Zero properly begun. "We're getting there,"grinned Martin, raising a clenched fist. "But it may take a few more elections." At a May Day Rally and Speech in Alliance, over 30 homeless men and nine well-dressed, elderly Marxists called for the repeal of the United States Constitution and its replacement with a worker's state granting all free access to taverns. "You must create with the material at hand," said Lawrence Merrick, a retired sociology professor. "The homeless wanted free access to bars, liquor stores, and saloons. So we added that plank. Then they wanted free Arby's 24/7. So we added that too. Alinsky would've understood."

Superman Kills Homeowner For Incandescent Bulb Use

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a dark green twist for the Man of Steel, Superman will defend the Earth by killing a man using incandescent bulbs. According to insiders at D.C. Comics, who leaked the story and artwork, an upcoming Action Comics features Superman responding to a call for help from California Governor Jerry Brown and patrolling the Golden State, using x-ray vision to peer through roofs and locate people using banned incandescent bulbs.

While crossing high above Thousand Oaks, Superman spots a home burning incandescents. Furious, he lands and lectures the homeowner named Hicks and his family on the need to comply with California's green laws and use Compact Fluorescent Lights to  forestall environmental apocalypse. There is an argument and Hicks tells the Man of Steel to mind his own business.

Bellowing 'It's my planet too!' Superman punches Hicks in the chest, killing him instantly and sending the man's heart sailing out his back and across the countryside, dripping blood before it lands in Nevada. (This is a marvelously inked sequence of panels and will probably win an Eisner Award.)

Superman then lectures the grief-stricken family on how failure to put planet over self always leads to tragedy. When Mrs. Hicks calls Superman 'a monster,' the costumed superhero sadly shakes his head. 'No, Ma'am. Green scofflaws like you are the real evil. Oh, and let's have those incandescents out by tomorrow, shall we?"

Said the anonymous D.C. source, "We have a stable of caring, concerned superheroes who, frankly, could be doing a lot more for environmental safety and a greener world. We hope Superman's actions are the first step in a dialogue that will eventually remove the stigma of homicide from acts of planetary self-defense."

Other D.C. characters will be joining Superman in upping the environmental ante. The source stated he'd seen an outline for a graphic novel in which Flash and Aquaman catch a man mixing plastic recycling with green waste and beat him to death with pipes.