Insight and Serenity by Buddy Chopra

Interesting News Items is fortunate to have obtained the services of Deepak Chopra's less enlightened brother, Buddy. His wisdom will grace this blog and bolster spirits in perilous times.

The heart chakra of someone watching Pit Boss.

Parables are ways to learn wisdom hidden from us by our false selves. The search for wisdom may also be hampered by certain relatives who have done very, very well in this life and won’t co-sign a loan. Nevertheless in order to learn we must listen, and to listen, we must have ears, and to have ears we must be born with them or purchase a pair on the black market from the Chinese. Make sure they are people ears or others will talk.

Adversity unmasks the true self, but adversity may be misunderstood. If internalized, adversity may turn to bitterness. Beware the grapes of bitterness for they soon become the wine of resentment just as wine turns to vinegar and circus employees turn to strong drink once the midway is set up and the midgets have been put to bed.

Your mind when dwelling upon the depth of Miley Cyrus.

Recall how Yama, the lord of death, came to visit the widow Patel, who lived alone threshing grain and fielding service calls for Microsoft. Yama tempted her with four gold coins if Patel would curse her fate and renounce acceptance. But Patel tricked the lord of death by pouring milk into a rolled up newspaper then unwrapping the newspaper to reveal no milk. Yama was confused. He left the widow and resumed smoking menthol cigarettes later that day.

What insight should we glean from Patel? How does this tale align with the teachings of the Vedanta?

I haven’t a clue. My thoughts are clouded by universal inequities. Consider a wealthy man, a writer of books, a sought-after speaker, a dispenser of wisdom that is thinner and lighter than the most gossamer of French crepes.

Consider his younger brother, who has served two years for mail fraud and now has an opportunity to purchase a commercially zoned parcel. Consider that the younger brother has inside information that the city will buy this very parcel for the construction of offices.

Since the truly spiritual cares not for the material things of this world, the older brother, who goes forth garbed as profoundly spiritual, should gladly guarantee the loan of the younger brother, despite several past financial misunderstandings. Would not this be in accord with karmic reward?

But the older brother dodges phone calls and emails and has unfriended the younger brother on Facebook. What has become of the third component of the law of Dharma—service to humanity? How can one unfriend and serve? This is urinating upon existence the way a cow urinates upon a flat rock.

Ah, I have digressed. But life is a digression. Do not try and hold the river or you will be wet and laughed at by fly fishermen. Know these three things that you may attain a higher consciousness.

To dig a well surrounded by dirt is a sign of faith. To dig a well surrounded by water means you are in a lake. Get out.

An enlightened person has no organs only circles and things.

We all contain the ability to step into a higher plane. But if we do, the TSA will feel us up.
To give is divine—unless you are a certain older brother. Than it is one lame excuse after another. How hard can it be? A lousy signature. I know this guy on the city council. The deal is a lock! It’s practically free money! Why do I end up getting treated like Billy Carter or Roger Clinton?

I happen to know a few things about a certain famous older brother and a girl in Santa Fe. Do I run my big mouth? No and all I ask for is his holy John Hancock on a loan document.

 Ah, but I have digressed again. Still, all paths are a soul journey for those who seek love. And remember that love is available to all, but more likely to those who have cash.

Namaste.
Images: jackhaas.net, myspace, pebblesspiritualcave

President Views Rapture as Tax Dodge, States He is Already Here

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama scoffed at rumors of a Christian rapture taking place tomorrow, stating that he is already present on Earth, walking among Mankind, thus there is no need for believers to be carted off to Heaven ahead of tribulation. "Whatever happens, I will be present to ensure that no harm comes to those who have faith in my judgement above their own." According to White House sources, the President has privately stated that anyone allowing spiritual forces to convey them was probably attempting to avoid paying their lawful share of taxes. Said Aaron Zorn, White House special assistant, "We don't have a ruling from Treasury yet, but the President feels strongly that divine intervention, conducted without consulting him first, is probably a Christian attempt to dodge 2011 taxes and will blow a hole in the deficit." According to Zorn, the President laughed at the idea that anyone would prefer a heaven over the paradise he is building on earth. "I am here, putting forth my polices and programs that will help my needy. But let those go who doubt my sincerity. Too bad they're gonna miss out on high speed rail and all the green jobs." Image: newstechnica.com)

Koan See For Yourself

Enlightenment and loans do not mix.

Imagine Mohammad Day Big Success

FROM THE EDITOR - Our first Imagine Mohammad Day was a solid win, with thousands of readers from around the world quietly envisioning what the Prophet looks like. Our famed Hollywood psychics, who prefer to remain anonymous, had quite a chore choosing winners, who also preferred remaining anonymous. Using rigorous subjective guidelines, the psychics selected three. See if they match up to your thoughts.

3. A man in Lutefisk, Norway saw the Prophet as John Goodman in Raising Arizona only dressed like someone from a Vegas floor show version of Scheherazade.

2. A former twin in Limpopo, Congo imagined Mohammad as a cute baby hippo eating 40 to 50 melons.

1. An active member of New York City's Revolution Muslim website pictured the Prophet Mohammad dressed as a Girl Scout (with a Computer Fun badge) on a flying horse, dispensing chocolate mint cookies from a box inscribed with the crescent moon and sword.

Second and third place winners receive a year's subscription to the Interesting News Items print edition, currently in the conceptual stage. First place winner receives an all-expense paid imagined trip for seven to Quito, Ecuador. Thanks to all who engaged in anonymous imaginings. Start thinking for 2011 when we'll add a special challenge!

Ling Carter - Editor-in-Chief

Friday is Everybody Imagine Mohammed Day

FROM THE EDITOR - For anyone skittish about the upcoming Everybody Draw Mohammed Day on May 20, INI will be instituting a safe alternative. This Friday, April 30, we invite everyone to imagine what the Prophet Mohammed looks like. Do you see him as a bear of a man with hair on his triceps? Or is he a little fellow, fierce in battle, but with tiny hands and feet? Are his trousers flowing and voluminous, large enough to hide a lamb shank? Might his turban be cocked at a rakish angle like Bob Crane's hat in Hogan's Heroes? You decide. After all, its your imagination. For those still worried about possible offense, we have consulted a Koranic scholar who has assured us of three things:

1. There are many violent threats in the Koran.
2. None of them involves imagining what Mohammed looks like.
3. There is a Koranic verse that says, "Hast thou not seen how thy Lord dealt with the owners of the elephant?" Our scholar isn't sure what that means, but he is fairly certain the owners of the elephant weren't imaging what Mohammed looked like.

So set aside some time Friday, sit back, and mentally craft the Mohammed you've always wanted to view. No rush, but stop by 8:00 PM Pacific Time. We are contacting a number of Hollywood psychics who will surf the sea of mental images and select the top three.

So good luck and happy imagining!

--Ling Carter, Editor-in-Chief

Scientology Sea Org to Battle Somali Pirates

CLEARWATER, FL - A spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International announced its Sea Organization is en route to Africa to fight Somali pirates. Departing from Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles, the elite church members sailed aboard the Freewinds, a former cruise ship sporting 3-inch navy surplus guns and a cargo hold filled with L. Ron Hubbard books and Dianetics literature. Said spokesperson Lyle Divoton, "The church is eager to keep the seaways safe as well as offer any captured pirates a free personality test."

Crewed by OT VIII (Operating Thetans Level 8), Scientology's highest level, the Freewinds hoped to reach the Indian Ocean by mid-April and commence naval operations, consisting of patrols and broadcasting the soundtrack from Battlefield Earth. "Hopefully, we can lure pirates aboard with the promise of meeting Tom Cruise, then convince them to undertake auditing that will expose personality flaws and traumas." Divot added, "This auditing can be very expensive, so we may allow the pirates to keep raiding until they finally pay for enough courses to be clear of all engrams. Then they can paint the smokestack while they work through their OT levels. Between us, they'll never see Tom Cruise except on YouTube, but keep mum on that."

Angry Atheist Harris Founds O.A.F.

LONG BEACH, CA - Fed up with religion distracting people from important world problems, neuroscientist and author Sam Harris has created the Offended Atheists Foundation. By funding books and films by grumpy atheists, O.A.F. aims to alert the public to religion's diversion of attention from human suffering. "Science can determine morality with the same rigor used to prove global cooling and the danger of Alar on apples," said Harris in a recent interview at the TED Conference. "Meanwhile, religion wastes time with blood drives, food drives, clothing drives, aid to the homeless, and visiting the elderly." O.A.F. has already concluded deals with several offended atheists, including biologist Richard Dawkins and comic Bill Maher. Dawkins will write a book on secular grief counseling entitled, Your Mom is Dead: Let's Get Pizza, while Maher is producing a comedy called Hay You! in which the acerbic funnyman showcases his wit as he tricks and belittles the Amish.

Pelosi Offers Pork to St. Joseph

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After using St. Joseph's name in an attempt to sway Catholics toward the healthcare bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered the saint a high-paying position in the Department of Labor. A Pelosi spokesperson, Laura Shapen, denied this was a bribe. "Hiring St. Joseph has been on the table for some time." Pelosi stated the saint would probably support the bill which, among other things, requires Catholics to pay for abortions. Ms Shapen saw no contradiction in the Speaker's remarks. "Speaker Pelosi is a devout Catholic and something of an authority on church teaching. And when she says that St. Joseph is the patron saint of workers who like to see babies dead, and is often pictured standing atop a mound of aborted children because that's what working families want, we should take her word."

Buddha Found Dead in Road

SANTA MONICA, CA - Police are investigating the murder of Gautama Buddha, also known as the "enlightened one," who was found beaten and strangled outside a meditation center on Ocean Park Boulevard. "We're thinking this was a crime of opportunity," said Detective Phil Gomez. "Maybe even a hate crime. Someone met the Buddha on Ocean Park, maybe didn't like his long ear lobes, or thought his beads were faggy or disliked pudgy people, whatever." Fourteen members of Divine Awakening Temple and Pilates are being detained for questioning. "They all claim to have been meditating at the time of the crime. We'll see," said Gomez. In addition, Gomez reported finding evidence that the victim may have brought the violence onto himself. "I came across a saying of his, 'If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.' Not to speak ill of the dead, but you shouldn't talk smack unless you can back it up. He couldn't. Now he's a dead, fat guy in a robe. Maybe he was born to suffer? Maybe we all are. Maybe he was born to run? I hope not. With all that weight he would've run flat into a heart attack. Then it wouldn't be murder and I could go home. But that's life for you." (Photo: raisengrrl)

IPCC: Snowpocalypse Hottest Blizzard on Record

NEW YORK CITY, NY- The IPCC has released data confirming that a huge blizzard striking the U.S. east coast is not only the hottest record snowfall ever recorded, but a clear sign of the shifting face of global warming. "Climate change is cunning like a mongoose or a very sneaky man," said IPCC spokesman Sanjuk Patel. "It circles around to attack in forms you would not recognize such as vast clouds of snow." Under fire from critics for inserting unproven global warming claims into reports, as well as the use of divination, the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has conducted a rigorous internal review. According to Patel, the result is tougher standards resulting in irrefutable science. To back the claim that snow is hotter now than at anytime in earth's past, Patel cited data vetted by Nickelodeon Kids' News and the National Wildlife Federation's Ranger Rick Green Zone. "This is a molten blizzard. Period. End of story," said Patel. "And while it has the appearance of cold, you must not be confused by deniers, clearly in the pay of large corporations." Patel was emphatic as he urged the public to "throw away the evidence of your senses and trust the IPCC. I do."

Air Force Pagans Demand Christian Sacrifice

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - Furious over a cross left in their new outdoor worship area, Air Force Academy Wiccans have demanded a Christian minister be handed over to them for sacrifice. Said Wiccan spokesperson, Cadet Bel Patterson, "This desecration has soiled our worship of the Horned God, tarnished our Imbolc celebrations and jeopardized our upcoming Beltane festivities. If we are to run naked under the moon screaming the name of the Holly King, then Christian blood must be spilt." Air Force spokesperson Major Dennis Palumbo was conciliatory, but vague. "We're certainly upset by this intolerant act. Hopefully, our Wiccan cadets will continue to worship in their new outdoor grove, complete with wicker baskets." Patterson, however, remained firm. "We require a Christian minister be burned alive before dawn on April 30. Ideally, the selected minister will be plump so we can collect his melted fat and use it for magic." Major Palumbo refused to acknowledge the request. "I would hope all our cadets are aware of the Academy's fire safety rules as well as state and local prohibitions against religious, or secular, human incinerations. In addition, I would point out to all cadets that any immolations will be part of their permanent record and could effect future promotions." (Image: Wickipedia)

IPCC Defends Use of Divination

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A spokesman for the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has defended the panel's use of divination to forecast melting glaciers in the Andes. Said Sanjuk Patel, "We employed an Augur who watched the flight of various birds. By studying the birds' formation, he was able to predict that global warming was melting glaciers in the Andes. This man is credentialed at an important Augury school. What more do you need?" Answering his own question, Patel said the Augur's work was subjected to robust peer-review. "A Chinese sorcerer dropped a handful of magic sticks. When he picked them up, they all pointed in the direction of Chile." In addition, a man who dowses for water was asked by Patel whether the Andes' glaciers were melting. He felt it was probably so. "It's not like we pull this information out from between our hams," said Patel. "Global warming is too vital an issue to be left to chance."

Klezmer Hero Holiday Hit

SHERMAN OAKS, CA - Stores can't keep it stocked as consumers gobble up 2009 surprise hit, Klezmer Hero. This rhythm-based, music video game features instrument-shaped peripherals used to simulate playing Yiddish folk music . "Everyone wants the little clarinet," laughed Sherman Oaks Galleria store manager, Tom Oliver. Oliver's game shop, Byte Me, has seen a run on Klezmer, which operates on Playstation 2, Wii, and XBox 360. "I thought we'd sell a few for Hanukkah, but this is nuts."Based on the popular RedOctane/Activision Guitar Hero, Klezmer Hero features clarinet, violin, and accordion peripherals. Gamers match scrolling notes to buttons on the peripherals in order to play along and score points. Oliver speculates that while the music is uptempo klezmer, many of the songs are popular folk ballads such as "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" "Kids have probably heard these [songs] played somewhere, so there's recognition built in." Other tunes include "Sloop John B." and "Tijuana Jail" as well as a medley from Les Miserables. Developed by CyberSoft, published and distributed by Novacon/Deepgnome, Klezmer Hero retails for $99.78 but, oddly enough, lacks a web presence and may only be purchased in stores. Oliver offered this advice: "To be honest, most game store managers, me included, put a couple of hot games aside for friends. If customers really want Klezmer Hero, they need to be aggressive. When the manager says, 'Sorry, all out,' or 'We don't carry it,' or 'Never heard of it,' they should call him a 'filthy liar.' That way, he'll be shamed and give up his private stash. That's how this business rolls." (Photo: everypicture.com)

Darwin Took Ideas from 'Evolution for Imbeciles'

LONDON, UK - New evidence has surfaced that Charles Darwin stole his idea on natural selection from an 1858 book entitled Evolution for Imbeciles. Researchers at the University of Sussex have uncovered correspondence between Darwin and 'Imbeciles' author Mayhew Tibbs. In the letters, Darwin admitted to having no clue how life progressed: "It's all so frightfully complicated. Did I tell you? I shot a turtle down in the Galapagos with a small cannon. The beggar exploded like crockery." Tibbs suggested Darwin say life evolved through luck and family connections, much like Tibbs himself. However, Darwin, under pressure to publish something, poached Tibbs' theory of natural selection and printed On the Origin of Species. He then had Tibbs framed for fondling a carriage, a serious crime back then. By the time Tibbs emerged from prison, Darwin had published a second edition of 'Orgin' and left him a note: "One day, they'll invent something called a 'telephone.' When they do, don't call me." Tibbs moved to Scotland, where he constructed a small gallows which he used to execute mice after an brief trial, much to the amusement of children and the approval of local adults. In his later years, Darwin grew remorseful. In a letter to H.G. Wells, the scientist wrote, "What a cad I am! For a theory, I totally destroyed Tibbs. I should feel miserable, if I weren't so keen to give eugenics a go. Send me any spare Irish you may have lying around the house." (Photo: americamagazine.org)

Church Holds Conference on Alien Life, Bingo Discussed

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - Catholic Church officials presented the results of an astrobiology conference discussing the possibility of life on other planets and whether that life played games of chance such as bingo. Said Fr. Carlos Remy of the Vatican Observatory, "If intelligent beings exist in outer space it's entirely possible they have developed games involving randomly drawn numbers. Perhaps they use cards made out of alien metal and, instead of corn, mark their places with space diamonds." Scientist Ben Francis of the University of Arizona agreed. "Part of Mankind's hubris has been a sort of 'bingocentrism.' We automatically discount the idea that other beings might engage in soft gambling to win a new space vehicle or a family trip to the Crab Nebula." In addition, the conference also discussed alien pot-luck suppers, allowing that celestial beings might use exotic minerals and gases to create their casseroles. (Photo: mcsweeneys.net)

Muslim Major Shoots Up Base, Media Target Amish

FT. HOOD, TX - A Muslim army officer who admired Islamic suicide bombers and handed out Korans is in custody for shooting fellow soldiers as the media focus on the Amish. NBC and CBS news crews descended on Lancaster, PA, hoping to unearth clues linking Major Nidal Malik Hasan to the Mennonites, an obscure Christian sect. "There was nothing noteworthy in his [Major Malik Hasan's] background," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Nothing points to a motive for attacking his own men." And while Malik Hasan was upset over the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and had been warned by superiors to stop proselytizing Islam, Couric felt the answers lay in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. "Horses, quilts and bonnets have been known to cause madness," she stated. "That madness can seep into hand-made furniture or various jellies. It's entirely possible Major Malik Hasan may have eaten tainted Christian jam, brought to Ft. Hood by a soldier returning from leave. That jam caused him to behave violently. Otherwise, we'll probably blame tea parties and Glenn Beck." (Photo: galenfrysinger.com)

'New Improved Secrets' Reveals Truth Behind Reality

SEDONA, AZ - Building on the 2007 documentary film The Secret, a New Age author states the real secret behind all reality may be found by purchasing his latest book entitled New Improved Secrets. Written by lecturer and Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Healy Lucan, the book posits that the entire universe is energy, that energy is in vibration, and that nothing is real in the sensory realm except checks or credit card orders made out to purchase New Improved Secrets. "Why is this? I don't know," stated Dr. Lucan. "For some reason, the universe has selected my book and the various methods of paying me - and I accept them all including Pay Pal - as the only non-vibrational items in existence." Dr. Lucan reports the universe has informed him this won't always be so. "Order New Improved Secrets quickly and the universe will knock off fifteen percent. Choose not to order and the universe will vibrate your car seat and cause you to perspire, wetting your slacks and leaving you an object of sport for all eternity." (Photo: cs4fn.org)

Richard Dawkins Opens Grief Counseling Service

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Scientist Richard Dawkins, author of the evolutionary primer The Greatest Show on Earth, has opened a grief counseling service aimed at educating the dying and their families on the impossibility of an afterlife. "The evidence is wonderful and enthralling: there's nothing after death. In fact, there's nothing in life but blind, pitiless indifference," chuckled Dawkins, manning the phones at his modest store front office. As people called in with tales of loved ones lost to boating accidents or crime, or with their own terminal diseases, Dawkins soothed them with evolutionary theory, explaining how we are all random accidents and will simply decay like dead crows on a highway. "It's vital I drive home how little the universe cares about them," said Dawkins. "That's why I get their credit card information first." (Photo: myjewishlearning.com)

Suspect Curbed Sexual Urges with Kidnapping

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY, CA - In a manuscript obtained by INI, convicted sex offender Phillip Garrido relates how he overcame sexual urges by learning how to kidnap and imprison an eleven-year-old girl. "She saved me," said Garrido. "If she [Jaycee Lee Dugard] hadn't been forced by me to live in a tent-compound in my back yard for eighteen years, there's no telling what sort of actions I might've taken." Psychologists call this 'substitution,' but Garrido calls it a miracle. "All I can say is thank goodness for kidnapping. It made me a responsible family man." (Photo: CNN/El Dorado Co. Sheriff)

Pope Breaks Wrist Punching Heretics

NORTHERN ITALY - A report has surfaced that Pope Benedict XVI did not break his right wrist in a fall, but, instead, shattered the bone punching out a progressive delegation from a Catholic Church in Berkeley, California. "He didn't slip," said Papal spokesman Cardinal Tosco La Vallette. "He hit people - one, two, take that." According to witnesses, the altercation erupted after the three-person delegation insisted the Pope change the Mass to incorporate the phrase, "Hey, Man, it's all good." Cardinal La Vallette said, "I thought he might cuff them across the face with one slap like 'The Three Stooges,' but no - everybody got a solid shot." La Vallette felt papal feistiness stemmed from high spirits following Brock Lesnar's recent UFC 100 victory over Frank Mir. "The Pope was pulling for Lesnar because he doesn't like trash talk," said the Cardinal. "And Mir really woofed it. But now that the heavyweight belt is unified, the pontiff is happy."