Syrian, Chinese Cops Praise Indiana Supreme Court Decision

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Police states around the world have hailed an Indiana Supreme Court ruling that citizens have no right to resist unlawful police entry into their homes. "At last, a modern common-sense decision," said Adad Al Hamwi, sniper for Syria's National Security Directorate. Al Hamwi took a moment out from shooting demonstrations in the southern Syrian city of Daraa to comment on the 3-2 decision. "By placing the blame for violent escalation firmly on citizens, the Indiana court has freed up the police to be dynamic and creative. Where is the fun in police work if anyone can defend their home? You couldn't kick in a door, or try out a new battering ram, without some criminal hiding behind this insane American 4th Amendment." Al Hamwi squeezed off two quick shots, dropping a sign-waving protester over two-hundred meters away. "You see the danger I was just in? That sign could put out an eye. That's why it's better for police to have all the rights."

Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)

US Outsources Death Drugs

Our lethal injection 'cocktails' are supplied by the British, doing the jobs Americans won't.

Past Beheadings No Excuse for Holding Gitmo Suspect

WASHINGTON, D. C. - A Judge has ruled the U.S. may not hold a Guantanamo Bay, Cuba detainee over fears he will return to beheading people for Al-Qaeda. "He must be released," said U.S. District Court Judge Aaron Goodstool, "and his big sword returned to him." After lopping off the heads of four Western aid workers in Afghanistan, Hasid Salmeh was captured in 2002. Judge Goodstool has ruled the government's evidence is insufficient and that Salmeh must be released if religious worship is to mean anything. "We have no right to judge," remarked Goodstool. "Because a man pursues his faith aggressively is no reason to deny him the company of fellow worshipers. Let's not make a mockery of the law."

Shooting Monkeys in a Pit Reopens After Lawsuit

BURGER, WA - In the shadow of Mt. Rainer, Shooting Monkeys in a Pit once again welcomed customers, giving families a chance to fire rifles down into a pit full of foaming, rabid monkeys. "This business was my dad's idea," said owner Granger Hopt. "He was eating frozen waffles when two old sayings clashed in his head: 'More Fun Than a Barrel of Monkeys' and 'Shooting Fish in a Barrel.' Well, dad thought, 'What if you shot monkeys in a barrel? And what if those monkeys were stuffed full of plague or madness? You don't get that at Six Flags.' The rest is history, except for the lawsuit and some other stuff."

In 2006, a family sued, claiming they were misled by Hopt's sign and subsequently shocked at seeing patrons firing military surplus M-14 rifles - M1 carbines for youngsters under 8 - into a pit filled with howling, vicious monkeys and apes. The suit spawned an injunction closing Hopt's business while the case dragged through court. In late 2009, a judge ruled for Hopt, stating there was no deceit in his sign. "The opposing lawyer claimed our sign could be thought of as a metaphor, thus misleading. But the judge said our advertised activity was explicit and not implied. So everything was cool, except for some federal stuff involving rabid animal importation."

Business was slow the day I attended, with only a scattering of shots, monkey snarls, and excited kids' voices. Hopt pointed out the bullet-pocked Lucite sheets ringing the 14-foot deep pit. "That was my idea," he said proudly. "Before, it was just sandbags and plywood. Monkeys would escape all the time. People would be wheeling around, cranking off shots, trying to pop Jocko before he reached the tree line and spread his ape madness all down the Cascades. But a lot of stray rounds hit the gift shop and concession stand. Once I put in Lucite, none of 'em got out unless it was in a pine box filled with bananas. Just kidding. We don't bury nothing. We burn the bodies over at our other business, Burning Rabid Monkeys in a Pit. People who visit there are a special breed. Pretty tight. They got their own Facebook page." (Photo: Israelly Cool)

9/11 Terror Trial to be Held in Atlantis

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Determined to find a safe spot to try terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Justice Department officials have backed away from the Big Apple in favor of The Lost City of Atlantis. "This is very forward-thinking," said Justice spokesperson Tyla Spitshaven. "And since no one's complained, I think it's a go." Reputed to have once been an island nation, Atlantis is said to have sunk beneath the waves before recorded history, and, according to legend, now rests on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. "There are logistical problems in transferring Mohammed, I won't kid you," said Spitshaven. "Plus we don't know what facilities they might have like, say, a good Greek restaurant for lunch. And do the Atlanteans even speak English or do they converse in some form of fish gibberish like in Splash? But these are minor problems." Officials have selected a spot in the center of the ocean which they claim is located directly above Atlantis. According to Spitshaven, "We're planning on exiting Mohammed from a ship into the sea with copies of the Health Care Bill tied around both ankles. He'll be instructed to report to Atlantean Marshals. And, of course, he'll be accompanied by ACLU lawyers."