Charlie Sheen Stricken with 'Power Rangers' Villain Voice

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Troubled actor Charlie Sheen has been diagnosed with a rare disease that causes him to speak like a villain in an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. If you listen to his tirade on the Alex Jones radio program he comes across like a kung fu bad guy," said Dr. Waylon Corning of Cedar Sinai Medical Center. Dr. Corning quoted Sheen's remarks re. Two and a Half Men show runner Chuck Lorre: 'Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.' "That's Malum Lingua Power Ranger," said Dr. Corning. "We don't see it often, but we know it when it pops up." Animation industry experts were quick to back up Dr. Corning's diagnosis. Said cartoon writer Chuck Lagarre, "Wishing [Chuck Lorre] 'nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon' is pure gold. I wish I'd written something that goofy and over-the-top." Dr. Corning stated there is little medical science can do to check Malum Lingua Power Ranger. "The best hope is to draw it all out. First digitally record his rants, then try and animate a character to them. Then build a show around that character. It could even be a big hit like Megamind, I bet." (Image: michellezive.com)

Wu Offers Insight into Libyan Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congressman David Wu shared thoughts on the recent turmoil in Libya and other Mid-Eastern nations. INI spoke with the Oregon Democrat in his office. Wu was dressed in a very conservative tiger costume.

INI: Should the U.S. Navy be used to evacuate American nationals caught inside Libya?

WU: That's a provocative move and could increase tensions in the region. Why not send someone in a tiger costume? Most people are afraid of tigers and would flee, thus allowing our citizens to escape on a cute old ferry to Malta.

INI: Has the President's response to the crisis been tepid in you opinion?

WU: I think President Obama has behaved thoughtfully, though if he wore a tiger costume he would feel 'big cat power' in his loins and lower back. It would make him glow, take it from me.

INI: I noticed your staff are all dressed in deer costumes with fake antlers. Is there a wildlife-themed party of some kind taking place today?

WU: No. Not at all. Why would you think that?

INI: Our intelligence agencies are either performing poorly or not being heeded as the U.S. seems slow to react to fast-changing events. Your thoughts?

WU: Oh, roar! Roar-roar!

INI: Is there a reason you're jumping on that staffer's back?

WU: I have a hungry tummy and must feast.

INI: Thank you for your time, Congressman Wu.

WU: Don't thank me. Thank the Oregon voters. I represent them.

(Image: AP)

Lockerbie Bomber Requests Additional Time in Scottish Jail

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - In the midst of nation-wide chaos, released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi has petitioned the British Government to rearrest him for terrorism. "My cancer is much better now," said al-Megrahi. "I should probably go back to Scotland and finish out my sentence for blowing up an aircraft and killing all those people." al-Megrahi insisted his desire to be confined in Britain had nothing to do with the crumbling regime of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and the serious fighting raging throughout the country. "I don't follow politics all that much," admitted al-Megrahi. "All I know is what I see on the TV at the gym." Sources state the British Foreign Service is open to the idea provided whoever ends up ruling Libya gives England cheap oil. Said senior diplomat Gonville Heap, "We are quite prepared to reincarcerate Mr. al-Megrahi or deny him entry to Britain. Our decision, of course, would be based on humanitarian principles or a desire for inexpensive oil that is a byproduct of humanitarian principles. Either way, we would appreciate if the Press would focus on humanitarian principles since, at root, that's what drives our policy viz a viz Mr. al-Megrahi. Of course, the families of Lockerbie victims are uppermost in our minds but they don't have any inexpensive oil, so, there."(Image: cdobs.com)

Republican War on Women Now Employing Artillery, Airstrikes

TACOMA, WA - A baby shower in a private home was struck by three 122mm shells, demolishing the structure as the Republican Party upped the ante in its War on Women. "The women were at the part of the shower where they pass around a diaper with chocolate smeared inside," said  Republican Party spokesmen Ken Allwhite. "We got most of them with the first two shells, then air burst a cluster round to finish off the wounded or anyone trying to flee with the bassinet." Since resuming control of congress this year, Republicans have intensified their attacks against women employing 122 and 155mm howitzers as well as air strikes using 'smart' munitions. Boasted Allwhite, "There was a Mary Kay party going on in Beaumont, Texas inside an apartment building. We quietly entered the structure and evacuated all the men before calling in an air strike." A B-2 bomber dropped a 2,000 pound JDAM bomb that obliterated the building, leaving behind only charred mascara wands. Allwhite says the use of heavier munitions has not replaced standard tactics. "Our sniper teams are still very active. They'll often bait a kill-zone outside a Bed Bath & Beyond with a book of wedding pictures." Eventually, Allwhite and the other Republicans hope to eliminate most women so as to stay out late drinking with their buddies. "We're not fanatics. If we kill all women, who will serve us beer?" (Image: airforce-magazine.com) 

WI Democrats to be Fitted with Radio Collars

MADISON, WI - Fleeing Wisconsin Democratic legislators are to be fitted with radio collars in order to monitor cross-boarder migrations. After signing an emergency executive order, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has sought the cooperation of the Illinois Department of Fish and Game in tagging the Senate Democrats who are believed to be wandering the prairies near Rockford. "If we get the call we'll treat 'em like any other creature," said wildlife veterinarian Barnes Willet. Willet had already worked out a plan of capture. "We'd bait by placing some kind of tax and regulatory regulation in a cage. Once they [Democrats] were snared we'd weigh and measure 'em, then fit each with a flexible radio collar." The collars emit a steady beep on a distinctive radio frequency as well as recording coordinates from a GPS satellite. In addition, the collars contain a switch that activates a double beep should the Democrat be inactive for eight to 12 hours. "That what's called a 'motel signal,'" said Willet. "It means the Democrat has gone to ground in a Best Western." Most expert agree that having Democratic legislators flee a state is a healthy sign, provided they aren't needed for a vote. Willet concurs. "It's best to let 'em roam wild. Before long, they'll have crows shrieking 'racism' and all the chipmunks unionized. Otherwise they nest in state capitols and its hell to dig 'em out."

Egypt Peacefully Transitions to Military Dictatorship

CAIRO, EGYPT - Following the resignation of President Hosani Mubarak, pro-democracy demonstrators quietly watched as the military dissolved parliament and suspended the constitution. "We have gotten rid of an autocrat," said one demonstrator. "Egypt now has a military junta like many nations in South America." The government will report to the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces, who have vowed to hold free election in 'six months or more.'" According to Prime Minister Ahmed Shafiq, military leaders haven't threatened to shoot anyone should the nation not return to normality. "That's quite a big concession," said Shafiq. "This shows the army cares deeply and is very sincere." Crowds in Tahrir Square were heartened by the news. One man wept openly. "For years we were under the boot of a tyrant [Mubarak] and now we're ruled by the military who have promised not to shoot us. I'm so glad I have Twitter."

Ode to Spiderman the Musical

A moving ballad on the backstage woes of Broadway's Spiderman.

Via AngryMusicMajor

Sales Slow for 'The Bridge' Board Game

SAN FRANCISCO, CA  - A board game based on the 2006 documentary film The Bridge has failed to gain traction for the third week in a row. Retail domestic sales remain stagnant for the Happy Time Fun product based on a movie about people leaping to their deaths from the Golden Gate Bridge. "Board games with a goal of committing suicide have never been huge sellers in the American market," said entertainment writer Leah Vanny. Vanny cited the fate of 1966 Japanese import Seppuku. Featuring a polished maple board and delicately-carved sandstone pieces, Seppuku was set in a cave on Saipan. Players assumed the roles of surrounded Japanese soldiers who must outwit each other in order to obtain a grenade they need to blow themselves up. Losers were captured by American Marines and endured shame. The game appeared in select U.S. stores the day after Thanksgiving and disappeared completely by mid-December. Vanny feels a similar fate awaits Happy Time Fun's dour product. "I think they really overestimated the popularity of the film."
Bound for Glory

In The Bridge game, players move simple wooden tokens across a board version of the Golden Gate Bridge. Rolling dice determines how many squares you may move. The object is to outmaneuver bridge security, the California Highway Patrol, Cal-Trans workers, religious suicide prevention groups, and concerned pedestrians in order to leap off the bridge. Players must then roll to see how they fared post-impact. Vanny explained, "Depending on the roll, there's either no afterlife, a very specific afterlife with judgement, or a California afterlife minus judgement but with a commitment to sustainable eternity." Several calls to Happy Time Fun Product's Delaware headquarters went unanswered. An email press release from the company stated they were  "collating additional market studies or something." Vanny concluded, "I think they've [Happy Time Fun Products] learned their lesson. Still, negative press could hurt their upcoming launch of the board game for Angela's Ashes." (Image: Wickipedia)

Virginia Planned Parenthood Connects Sailors to Girls

RICHMOND, VA - Planned Parenthood has started thinking outside the box as the family planning agency has announced it will now "hook up" lonely sailors with underage prostitutes. "It's part of our 'Post Abortion Sea Party' campaign," said Virginia PP spokesman Marjorie Zeen. "Studies show that after a pregnancy termination, the best thing for underage sex workers is returning to their trade. And since sailors often need temporary companionship, what better way to help our young ladies than to introduce them to the Atlantic Fleet?"

The Department of the Navy has vehemently denied any connection with Virginia Planned Parenthood. Zeen admits the state-wide program is unofficial but that word is spreading via Facebook, Twitter, and suggestive posters placed in various waterfront taverns in Norfolk and Portsmouth. "We're asking our blue jackets to contact Virginia Planned Parenthood for a good time," explained Zeen. "And while the sex workers can only provide service from the waist up, often that's all a man needs to 'strip the rust from the steam line' as sailors often quip." 

Planned Parenthood will receive a percentage from each transaction. Zeen states the money will be used to lobby congress for additional federal funding. In time, Zeen hopes Virginia Planned Parenthood replaces criminal prostitution the way state lotteries displaced the numbers racket. "What could be more common-sense and safe than providing men with teenage girls in a setting already designed to handle STDs and unwanted pregnancies? We envision Virginia Planned Parenthood expanding into a carnal Wal-Mart, a one-stop shopping center for bawdy delights. If enough people believe and work hard, that dream can become flesh—so to speak." (Image: Indystar.com) 

INI Welcomes Gus Styman

In keeping with the latest custom of allowing none of life's moments to pass sans comment, INI has invited homeless tweeter Gus Styman to tap out his daily observations here in Los Angeles. Gus once had a job at Copy Palace near Koreatown but was fired for pilfering as well as immoral acts with a Minolta Bizhub 550 office copier. He lost his apartment after pawning the landlord's seeing eye dog. Gus survives through petty theft, panhandling and regular checks courtesy of California's Aid to Surly Reprobates Program. As dumpsterhunk, Gus will share earthy bon mots that graphically portray things we might've guessed ourselves or trite banal observances—the very heart of so many Tweets.

Daley Attempted to Bribe Winter Storm

CHICAGO, IL. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley tried to head off a massive winter storm by offering the weather system a six-figure position with the Chicago Transit Authority. "This was a sweet job," said one CTA insider. "All the weather had to do was show up once or twice a week, sign a few things and cash the check." According to sources, the weather was to have been appointed a diversity supervisor earning a yearly salary of $237,890, 17 weeks of vacation, 52 sick days for the first year, increasing to 79 in years two and three, and a pension based on the first year's salary. In return, the weather was supposed to dump most of its snow on Gary, Indiana and freeze southern Michigan. At the same time, the Windy City was to receive light precipitation and mild winds. However negotiations broke down over having the winter storm be responsible for precinct walking and turning out the vote in the city's Jefferson Park area. "We've never tried doing business with a weather system," said the insider. "It's been a learning experience for all parties." (Image: cinnabitch.blogspot.com)