Muslims Riot Over 'Walk Like an Egyptian'

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN - Shouting anti-U.S. slogans Muslims erupted into the streets, killing 14 more people over a translation of the 1986 Bangles hit 'Walk Like an Egyptian.' According to U.N. worker Klaus Hibling, "From a loudspeaker, a mullah named Amanudin read a translation of the song in Dari and Pashto. He claimed the lyric 'doing the sand dance don't you know' was a mockery of Allah and all things Muslim. Amanudin cried that Allah would gobble up all believers in a ham pie if they didn't at once begin to burn and kill."

As crowds ransacked his apartment, Hibling hid in a  shower stall knowing it wouldn't be searched. "The Koran expressly prohibits touching plastic shower curtains with fish on them." During the riot, Hibling said Amanudin continued to incite the crowd over the loudspeaker. "He said that the lyrics 'Foreign types with the hookah pipes say Ay oh whey oh' were code words for 'teach a Muslim woman to read.' He also said Debbie Petersen only did backing vocals and didn't even play drums. On that song they used a drum machine. I don't know about that." Hibling felt it was fortunate that Islam was a religion of peace and not some brutal creed with many followers who were murderous, hypersensitive illiterates. "If that were true, people could really get hurt."
(Images: Wickipedia & Fox News)

Lockerbie Bomber Requests Additional Time in Scottish Jail

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - In the midst of nation-wide chaos, released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi has petitioned the British Government to rearrest him for terrorism. "My cancer is much better now," said al-Megrahi. "I should probably go back to Scotland and finish out my sentence for blowing up an aircraft and killing all those people." al-Megrahi insisted his desire to be confined in Britain had nothing to do with the crumbling regime of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and the serious fighting raging throughout the country. "I don't follow politics all that much," admitted al-Megrahi. "All I know is what I see on the TV at the gym." Sources state the British Foreign Service is open to the idea provided whoever ends up ruling Libya gives England cheap oil. Said senior diplomat Gonville Heap, "We are quite prepared to reincarcerate Mr. al-Megrahi or deny him entry to Britain. Our decision, of course, would be based on humanitarian principles or a desire for inexpensive oil that is a byproduct of humanitarian principles. Either way, we would appreciate if the Press would focus on humanitarian principles since, at root, that's what drives our policy viz a viz Mr. al-Megrahi. Of course, the families of Lockerbie victims are uppermost in our minds but they don't have any inexpensive oil, so, there."(Image: cdobs.com)

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'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

Ahmadinejad Letter to Obama: 'Where is My Bow?'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a cross letter to Barack Obama, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded to know when the President would bow to him. "You are like one of those novelty drinking birds that dips perpetually into a glass of water...except when I show up. I am embarrassed. Every world leader gets a bow except me." Ahmadiejad hoped the President would consider a video conference where Obama might perform his signature bow of deference. "I will incline my head in amusement like everyone else," said the Iranian President. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the Presidential bow was not for everyone. Explained Gibbs: "[The President] bows only to nations he wishes to sponge money from. Since we don't, as yet, want to borrow money from Iran, the issue is a non-starter." The letter also made reference to Iran's nuclear program which Ahmadinejad described as "only for civilian purposes or incinerating Israel. Nothing more."

City of Tel Aviv Added as Suspect in Dubai Killing

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Dubai's law enforcement has added the population of Tel Aviv to the list of suspects in the death of Hamas terrorist Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. "We have formally added an additional 393,900 suspects based on credit cards, passports, and a phone interview with John Walsh of America's Most Wanted," said the police chief. "Mr. Walsh was most helpful," stated Lt. Gen. Dahi Khalfan Tamim. "He said if we suspected Israelis, the suspects were probably from Israel. Until proven otherwise, we are listing all Tel Aviv as suspects. In addition, Ashdod and parts of Bat-Yam are right on the cusp of suspicion." Tamim has asked the Tel Aviv mayor to list the whereabouts of the population on the day of al-Mabhouh's killing back in January. "If they've done nothing wrong, they have nothing to fear," said the general, who hopes to clear everyone by 2017. "My men are paid by the hour, so this could take awhile."

Sean Penn to Interrogate Taliban Prisoners

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn takes on a new role for the U.S. Army, interrogating high-value Taliban prisoners who have been dressed as paparazzi. "Penn is just one more tool in our conflict against man-caused disasters," said Colonel Elias Trunker of army intelligence. "Draping cameras on the Taliban, along with Member's Only windbreakers, will trigger Penn's attack instincts. Once he's done kicking the cartilage out of their legs, they'll yap like an actress on a talk show." In addition to physical violence, Col. Trunker stated Penn will be employed in psychological warfare, reading to the prisoners from a collection of poems he wrote in praise of Hugo Chavez. "Legally, the Chavez poems are right on the edge of war crimes, but we're gonna take that risk. We test-read a Penn poem to several volunteers and they threw up things they hadn't even eaten yet."

Lockerbie Bomber Plagued by Gout, Polo Injuries

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - The man who blew up Pan Am Flight 103 has contracted gout from a rich diet, causing swelling to his left big toe which, in turn, has prevented him from wearing proper boots while playing polo, resulting in further injuries. Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi was released last year from a Scottish prison on compassionate grounds that had nothing to do with Libyan oil contracts. "Purely a medical decision," said one government insider. "Al-Megrahi was dying of prostrate cancer and we wanted him with his family as opposed to being blown to pieces in mid-air." Now living with his wife and grown children in a swank, two-story villa in a wealthy Tripoli suburb, Al-Megrahi's polo game has suffered because of the gout, leading to a fall off his horse last week that left bruises and a final chukker unplayed. "He suffers so much," said the insider. "Last week, he could barely sip Tomato Florentine, and his Salmon Alfredo went untouched. The public should know that Al-Megrahi is paying for the murder of 253 people and that oil has nothing to do with any of this. Did I say that already? Then it must be doubly so." (Photo: Wickipedia.)

Dubai Assassination Linked to Rogue Kiwanis Club

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Two men who participated in the January killing of a Hamas terrorist have been identified as belonging to a splinter group of the Kiwanis Club known as 'Black Kiwanis.' Little is known about this sinister service organization, formed in 1996 by disgruntled Kiwanians who wanted a little action with their charitable work. Dubai Police stated two men caught on security cameras were known BK operatives Heave Donner and Abel Klopperheim. Both men were traveling under forged Icelandic passports listing their occupations as 'glacier wrangler' and 'cod instructor.' According to Interpol, Donner and Klopperheim have been linked to several murder-for-charitable-donation acts in Spain and Wales as well as using blackmail and extortion to raise scholarship funds for needy children. The two men departed Dubai the day after the killing on a flight to Lapland and have since been lost to authorities. Dubai Police refused to speculate if the other members of the assassination team were Black Kiwanis or just innocent people who liked to follow terrorist arms dealers. "We must remain open to all possibilities," said an anonymous source within Dubai law enforcement. "And that would include suicide and faking strangulation. To be honest, we don't get many murders in Dubai and no one wants to kill the job - so to speak." (Gif: Public Domain Photos.)

Belgium Sends Hogs, Postcards of Belgium to Afghanistan

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - Under pressure from U.S. ambassador Howard Gutman, Belgium has agreed to up the ante in Afghanistan by sending specially trained truffle hogs and a colorful post card collection to NATO headquarters in Kabul. "The Belgians didn't want to send anything," said American embassy spokesperson Cybil Gnomen. "But Ambassador Gutman really turned up the heat." NATO will introduce the four pigs (trained to locate truffles) into Helmand province, providing alternative employment to the cultivation and sale of heroin poppies. "Everyone here loves truffles," said Gnomen. "So if the Afghans find some, they can sell them to the Belgians. It's like the circle of life only with truffles." In addition, the Belgian government has included a stack of postcards showing the Antwerp city hall and a fountain in Bruges featuring a naked boy peeing on a dog. While their use in the war zone seems opaque, Gnomen was proud. "Hey, it's high quality paper. I'm sure the people there can use them as artwork in their homes. The truffles and postcards are symbols of what can be accomplished when you put aside jingoist chest-beating and rely on smart diplomacy."

Top Taliban Commader Trapped Beneath Large Box

WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. and Pakistani intelligence forces captured the Taliban's top military commander using a very large box propped up with a stick. According to anonymous sources, Mullah Adbul Ghani Baradar was drawn to the trap by reports that there was a woman inside reading Family Circle. The enraged commander entered carrying a whip, only to inadvertently kick the support stick, dropping the box around him. "There wasn't really a woman in there," said the source. "Just an inflatable woman dressed in a burqa that we borrowed from a very lonely man in the State Department."

Biden Motorcade 'Hell Drivers' Bound for Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Gen. Stanley McChrystal announced that Vice-President Joe Biden's motorcade will be deployed as part of Operation Moshtarak. Known unofficially as the 'Hell Drivers,' the motorcade favors an aggressive style which the army plans using as a battering ram against Taliban fighters hold up in Marja. "They'll speed past IEDs and mow down the Taliban as if they were taxpayers," said Public Affairs Officer Captain Ron King. "We [U.S. Army] used to recruit Dominos Pizza delivery kids. They motored hard and broke more land speed records than half the rocket cars at Bonneville. But they went soft. Now we look for federal employees driving SUVs. There's nothing more dangerous. They've got lifetime jobs and they're above the law, so we don't have to worry who they hit. We're hoping it's mostly the enemy." Since last November, the 'Hell Drivers' have killed a D.C. pedestrian and slightly injured skater Peggy Fleming in Vancouver. "Safest place to be is topside in a 'copter," said Captain King. "I'll have a radio in one hand and popcorn in the other watching 'em tear ass across the landscape. It'll be better than watching skateboard fails on You Tube."

Army Sets Up Taliban Blind

Reporting from the Daily Discord on the war against man-caused disasters.

Deputy NSA Brennan Okay with Founded Fear-Mongering

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In another USA Today oped, Deputy National Security Advisor John Brennan stated it was perfectly acceptable for Americans to engage in fear-mongering founded on a rational basis. "Let's say you're sitting on an aircraft and the passenger next to you is wearing smoking underpants. At that point, the government would have no objections to you mongering your fear." Brennan, whose full title is Assistant to the President and Deputy National Security Advisor for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism, and who carries business cards the size of legal pads, also signed-off on any encounter with extremely large terrorists. "Terrorists aren't 100-feet tall. However, if you were to meet a terrorist, say, 9 feet tall or larger, it would be perfectly acceptable to fear-monger." Brennan stated fear-mongering would be unacceptable if it involved worry or criticism of a government obsessed with returning to the criminal justice approach to terrorism that worked so well in the 90s. "Dissent is patriotic," said Brennan, "but there are limits. We'll tell you what they are. In fact, we'll write them on your hand. Ha, ha, ha, do you get that? Robert Gibbs is soooo funny."

9/11 Terror Trial to be Held in Atlantis

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Determined to find a safe spot to try terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Justice Department officials have backed away from the Big Apple in favor of The Lost City of Atlantis. "This is very forward-thinking," said Justice spokesperson Tyla Spitshaven. "And since no one's complained, I think it's a go." Reputed to have once been an island nation, Atlantis is said to have sunk beneath the waves before recorded history, and, according to legend, now rests on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. "There are logistical problems in transferring Mohammed, I won't kid you," said Spitshaven. "Plus we don't know what facilities they might have like, say, a good Greek restaurant for lunch. And do the Atlanteans even speak English or do they converse in some form of fish gibberish like in Splash? But these are minor problems." Officials have selected a spot in the center of the ocean which they claim is located directly above Atlantis. According to Spitshaven, "We're planning on exiting Mohammed from a ship into the sea with copies of the Health Care Bill tied around both ankles. He'll be instructed to report to Atlantean Marshals. And, of course, he'll be accompanied by ACLU lawyers."

Chemical Ali's Last Request: Recite Periodic Table

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Former Saddam henchman Ali Hassan al-Majid, also known as 'Chemical Ali,' was executed by hanging shortly after requesting to name all the elements in the Periodic Table. "We said 'no,' because there are a lot of elements and it was hot," stated a government spokesman. There are currently 117 elements in the Periodic Table. Witnesses stated Ali named hydrogen, lithium, and sodium and had uttered the first syllable of potassium when the trap door sprung. "We usually give the condemed a customary last word," said the spokesman. "Cursing, weeping, threats, begging, remose, defiance, vows to haunt are all within bounds. But running through the Periodic Table was cheeky. Fortunately, we stopped him ['Chemical Ali'] at potassium. He was a dog in life and, in death, clearly violated the spirit of last words." (Photo: AFP via BBC)

Puppeteers Demand Anti-War March

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Under pressure from the National Large Puppeteers Union, A.N.S.W.E.R. will hold a march on Washington March 20 to protest the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. "People have been thrown out of work by the absence of anti-war marches," said NLPU spokesperson Andrew Frawn. "Many of our members have tried street advertising and children's television, but there's little call outside the anti-war market for devilish Uncle Sams or huge figures of Cheney in striped convict garb ." A fierce debate has broken out over whether to portray President Obama with a Hitler moustache . "Tough call," says Frawn. "If it's a 'yes,' someone may just alter a large head of Condoleezza Rice, add big ears, and paint on a moustache. But in all probability, we'll go with Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld puppets since we've got so stinkin' many." Frawn hopes the March 20 event kick-starts a dormant industry. "Our people need to be outdoors working huge puppets. That's our thing. That's how we roll." (Poster: A.N.S.W.E.R.)

Inspired by 'Avatar,' Al Qaeda Dons Blue Paint

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Energized by the alien slaughter of American troops in Avatar, Al Qaeda fighters plan painting themselves blue. "What a fantastic ending to a movie," said Al Qaeda spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "All those marines butchered. I went back to my cave floating on a cloud, like a nine-year-old girl on her wedding night." Eager to emulate the alien Na'vi in battle, AQ fighters, according to Naser, are having trouble finding the right blue. "All the men wanted the same shade, which they are calling 'Pandora Blue.' And they are willing to make stylistic concessions so the blue matches their ammunition belts. But in Pakistan, they only sold Periwinkle and this greenish crap called Tiffany Blue. We needed something more Azure." A fashion consultant from Paris attempted to reach Al Qaeda headquarters but was blown up in a Predator strike. "Some of his color patches survived," said Naser. "Hopefully, we can start coordinating uniforms until someone finds enough Pandora Blue to go around." Naser appreciated the work of Avatar director James Cameron. "Dead U.S. marines boost our morale like a beheading on a bright spring morning. If Cameron needs help blinding any women, he should just 'give a holler' as you Americans say. We owe him a solid." (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

Because They Care

h/t: Reason TV via Hot Air

President Calls for Bigger Dots

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After taking responsibility for recent intelligence failures, President Obama called upon the intelligence community to 'work with bigger dots.' "If our federal agencies can't connect the dots they have, then clearly the answer is to come up with bigger dots." Intelligence agencies refused comment on the President's remarks, stating they needed to examine all dots "in light of budgetary and security needs, whatever that means." In related news, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has admitted she is a CGI creation. "I was a work-in-progress for a commercial being done at Rythm & Hues before this job opened up. And while the lead writers gave me a ton of backstory, I've never been out on my own before. Please don't send me back. I only want to be real, 'kay?" (Photo: zimbio.com)