Indian Mummies Make Great Green Gift Idea

 INI ADVERTORIAL (Occasionally, Interesting News Items contracts its space to responsible advertisers. Sometimes their fonts and spacing are odd. Don't be put off.)

Tired of buying carbon offsets for the relatives? Stay on their green side with an all-natural Indian mummy. These air-dried cadavers are over 9,000 years old and might’ve ended up in the foundation of a condo if we hadn’t stepped in. Now you can help preserve an ancient culture that believed the Earth was a holy entity created by a giant crow that spit. (Google “giant spitting crow” and learn more.) Each five-foot, three-inch mummy comes with the remains of hand-woven fabrics and part of a broken pot. They are perfect to mount in your car for those hectic days when you really need to use the Diamond Lane. Kids love ‘em, but careful as they crumble like month-old Wheat Thins. DNA tests are inconclusive so these mummies could be Paiute/Shoshone Native Americans, ancient Vikings, or aliens from beyond the Horsehead Nebula. No one is really sure, but we’re calling them Indians and so should you. A grave-robbing steal at $79.99. Note: We believe the Internet is an outdated teenage fade, already passing into the realm of painter pants and mood rings. So send a check made out to 'cash' (or cash itself) to Mummie-Dearest c/o Niles Storage Center, Unit #201, 2447 Flaming Bum Road, Old Squaw, New Mexico, 87122.  Supplies can’t last much longer. Dangerous curse optional. (Image: heritage-key.com)