Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Michigan Hires Robert Gibbs as Head Football Coach

ANN ARBOR, MI - Michigan Athletic director Dave Brandon announced White House press secretary Robert Gibbs would coach the 2011 Wolverines. The unusual move has Gibbs arriving in Ann Arbor in early February, leaving many worried about recruiting. "High school seniors sign their letters of intent on the first Wednesday of February," said an ESPN analyst. "How is Gibbs going to wrap up a prospect if he's still spinning away behind his lectern?" Brandon waved aside such concerns. "Robert Gibbs is very intelligent and more than capable of multi-tasking. He can wrangle the press while texting some big, dumb defensive lineman."

Gibbs stated he was motivated to take the job after reading letters sent to President Obama from average American footballs fans who wondered if the president could do something about Michigan always losing to Ohio State. "Their concerns, and the concerns of other average Americans, over the direction of the Michigan program led me to accept the job. And to those Americans who wake up every day without a win over the Buckeyes, let me say that if verbal nimbleness and sarcasm can rebuild a once-proud gridiron dynasty, then you can send the 2011 BCS trophy directly to Schembechler Hall."
Brandon believes successful head coaching experience at the collegiate level is secondary to Gibbs' ability to shape an event. "Why was our Gator Bowl loss so painful? Partially it was getting crushed by Mississippi State 52 - 14. But mostly it was [fired head coach Rick] Rodriguez inability to craft a slaughter into a positive. Imagine if Robert Gibbs had been behind the podium at the post-game press conference? He'd be walking back his pre-game remarks, mocking reporters, zinging them with snark, judo-flipping questions on poor coaching or the score and placing the blame on Fox News. You lose on the field but you win the narrative. That's gotta help with recruiting." (Image: LA Times and

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