HHS Recommends Eating More Fish Killed by Underwater Explosions

'Dynamic Fishing' Best for Long Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The federal government unveiled dietary guidelines today that recommended eating more fish killed by underwater blasts. According to these latest guidelines, underwater shock waves cause fish to release healthy endorphins at the instant of death. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius reports that blasted fish bobbing to the surface are "marinated in a natural  sauce that's better for you and reduces the risk of cholesterol." Sebelius continued, "As part of the government's 'Boom Fish, Good Fish' program, Health and Human Services, in cooperation with the Army, is opening up the nation's hand grenade reserve to qualified persons. Old World War II pineapple grenades may now be flipped into oceans, lakes and freshwater rivers to create the nutritious fish that will best feed our children and elderly." Sebelius was quick to point out that 'dynamic fishing' need not be limited to grenades. "If people have the training and a proper license, than dynamite may be substituted as well as fertilizer bombs and military surplus depth charges." The Secretary elaborated that blasted fish were only part of a multi-pronged assault on obesity. "People should cut back on their salt and walk at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes, then go to the nearest dock and throw a grenade in the water. It all adds up to smart living." (Image: uvm.edu)