ASKS TO BE CALLED 'PENG'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rumors have been confirmed that Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Thomas L. Friedman—at his own request—was adopted by a Chinese family. And while the New York Times refused comment, Garrett Yao, owner of Manhattan's Jade City Restaurant, stated he signed notarized documents naming Friedman, or 'Peng' as one of his [Yao's] sons. A strong believer in Chinese authoritarianism, Friedman/Peng has already bound his feet and is attempting to grow a long pigtail. Yao stated, "I tell Peng, 'Don't tie up feet. That for woman in old days. Besides, you have big man feet. But he wants to be Chinese like in The Good Earth."
A noted Chinaphile, Peng has written several columns praising the Chinese Communist government for its ability to force thousands of people from their homes in order to build Olympic structures. Peng shared his beliefs in New York's Chinatown while pulling tourists around in a rickshaw. According to Peng, "China's liberation from cumbersome governmental restraint is the foundation for a clean green future that will see wind-powered family-planning clinics and vehicles that run on ground-up Tibetan monks." Peng ignored tourist complaints that strolling pedestrians were moving faster. "My feet are bound," he snapped at one point. "What do you know of our culture, big-nose barbarians?"
THE PRICE OF CHINANESS
At their destination, the tourists paid Peng for the rickshaw ride but withheld a gratuity. An angry Peng cursed the couple as they walked quickly away. "How dare you stiff a Son of Heaven? I was born under the sign of the Snake, sensual and prudent, but I can be suffocating. Turn around, you Iowa fatties! If this were China, I'd have you thrown in a camp for the next 15 fifteen years, making flashlights and eating field mice." Peng exhaled in disgust, removing a wide, straw coolie hat and fanning himself. "I'd better get over to the restaurant. Dad wants me to iron napkins this afternoon. If I don't, he'll kill me...which is fantastic. That's how you run a railroad."(Image: Wickipedia)