Wednesday, February 11, 2009

New SecEd Vows: "No Child Left Behind Unbeaten"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Chicago Public School CEO Arne Duncan brought his pet philosophy from the Windy City to Foggy Bottom as he assumed the job of Secretary of Education. "'Spare the child, spoil the rod,' that's what Arne always said," remarked administrative assistant Velda Ruiz, who followed her old boss to Washington. "Back in Chicago we had 568 verified cases of teachers hitting kids, choking 'em, you know, straightening 'em out. Only 24 got fired under Arne. And those were the weaklings; the ones who'd tap a kid with a broom handle like a fairy with a wand. Arne weeded out the pus arms." With "No Child Left Behind Unbeaten," Duncan hopes to nationalize the Chicago practice of punching knowledge into young minds. "It's faster," said Ruiz. "'Give a man a fish and you feed him for one night. Beat a man witless with a softball bat and you teach him to stop mooching fish.' Something like that." 

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