SEC Demands Zombie Risk Disclosure

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a 3 - 2 vote, the Securities and Exchange Commission has ordered corporations to provide information to investors on business risks associated with the undead. "We've seen Resident Evil, said Chairman Mary L. Schapiro. "The Commission has watched all three movies as well as played Resident Evil 5 on Xbox 360. We know what happens when corporations fail to disclose the full truth—zombies appear and eat you up. That's not happening on our watch." The new ruling would require companies to disclose if their finances are affected by the undead, either killing and eating employees or tainting products with their saliva, which, in turn, could produce more undead who don't buy things. "This is a long overdue common-sense ruling that will help investors sort out the impact of zombies on a company," said Shapiro, "Here at the SEC, we like to be proactive, except for anything involving Bernie Madoff." (Photo: shockya.com)

Interpol Issued U.S. Hunting License

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As a way of raising money for health care, President Obama cancelled an executive order, now allowing Interpol to hunt U.S. citizens within the United States without fear of constitutional restraint. Before bagging Americans and hauling them off to World Court, Interpol agents must first take an online safety examination and a pre-certification test explaining how much more policing they'll accomplish without legal restraints faced by domestic law enforcement. Finally, Interpol must swear to only pursue "bad" people and those suspected of man-caused disasters. Foreign law enforcement licenses sell for $75, exam included, plus an annual $25 renewal fee. Interpol records will be kept at the Justice Department where they are inviolable. Attorney General Eric Holder stated Americans need not fear Interpol. "If you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. Besides, they'll have a license." (Photo: en.wikivisual.com)

Danish Police Use Green Nightsticks in COP15 Clashes

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - As demonstrations continued at COP15, Danish police used green law enforcement tools including organic nightsticks and spray irritants made from natural fluids. Said police spokesperson Nidhug Filtenborg, "There has been violence, yes. People have been struck, yes. But our [Danish police] tools are the tools of a clean planet." Filtenborg pointed out that Danish riot police wield sustainable nightsticks, shorter than a standard nightstick, and made from a type of hardened flax. "After hitting demonstrators 20 to 30 times, the nightsticks are recycled into linen cloth or for linseed oil extract." In addition, Filtenborg stated crowd irritants such as pepper spray are really a potent form of oolong tea. "This tea, yes? It's oolong, but it has been left inside a public restroom for several weeks. It is quite annoying and makes the eyes different." In what Filtenborg describes as a law enforcement break-through, Danish tear gas is a condensed steam extracted from the clothing of obese people returning from the tropics. "Good day and good luck getting a whiff of that," said Filtenborg. "But it's all natural and that makes everything proper and correct." (Photo: BBC)

Brie Shortage Mars UN Climate Change Summit

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Minister Connie Hedegaard's speech on global unity in the face of climate change was disrupted when the brie ran out at the Climate Change Buffet, leading delegates to murmur and grumble. "They murmured very loudly," said Hedegaard, Danish Minister for Climate and Energy. "I had a microphone and I could still hear the murmuring, and the grumbling as well." In addition to brie shortages, delegates reported the risotto contained leeks and shitake mushrooms, but no truffles as advertised. "Our we to down grade the world's economy on an empty stomach?" asked UN climate chief Yvo de Boer. Culinary snafus led several delegations to leave Bella Center and fly their private jets to France for lunch. "All the braised lamb shanks were eaten by NGOs," said Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "Those who believe most deeply in climate change should not be the ones starving. It isn't fair." (Photo: 7akifadi.com)

Unemployment Drops After Jobless Renamed 'Leisure Americans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At his upcoming Jobs Summit, President Obama will announce a major fall in unemployment from 10.2 to 1 percent, brought about by renaming the jobless 'Leisure Americans.' "This is a huge step forward in solving the unemployment crisis," said White House spokesperson Miller Allen. "By shaping language to make it appear people have voluntarily left work so as to devote more time to personal activities, the President has met the challenge head-on." Miller also boasted that the homeless problem has been eradicated following an executive order by the president abolishing urban outdoor sleeping. "Boom. Gone. I wonder why no one thought of this before?" In related news, the State Department has renamed 10 new Iranian enrichment plants as 'tanning salons.' (Photo: money.aol.com)

Obama Apologizes For Nanking

BEIJING, CHINA - As a favor to Japan's Emperor Akihito, President Barack Obama assumed full responsibility for the brutal 1937 Japanese occupation of Nanking and apologized to Chinese President Hu Jintao. "America's actions were the inexcusable actions of a rogue state: aerial bombardment of a helpless city, executing civilians, sinking of the American gunboat Panay, and the mass rape and slaughter of Chinese women. For these crimes, perpetrated by past administrations, I offer my humblest and most sincere apologies." Xinhua News Agency did not state Hu's response, however their report included remarks by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "A few days back, President Obama had just finished apologizing to Akihito for Pearl Harbor. Since he was visiting China next, the President was asked by the Emperor if he'd mind apologizing for Nanking and the whole 1937 to 1945 war. In Asia, accepting another country's war crimes is considered culturally sensitive. It was the neighborly thing to do." As a gift, the Emperor presented the President an iPod containing Akihito's 18 greatest speeches, all in Japanese, and a boxed VHS set of Kurosawa films in Secam format. (Photo: democraticunderground.com)

NEA Funds 'Document Show'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chairman Rocco Landesman announced the National Endowment for the Arts would underwrite The Document Show. Set to air this winter on PBS, the new, hour-long weekly program would feature government documents flipping across the screen, underscored by rap music. "We're not your father's NEA," quipped Landesman. "Our first program showcased the 1974 Waterways and Fisheries Act, set to the music of Scarface and the Geto Boys." When asked about the entertainment or educational value of obscure documents zipping past, Landesman shrugged. "The government is alot like Brewster's Millions: spend it fast or have funding cut in the future. I didn't think it possible, but I'm running out of stuff to spend it on. Maybe it's just the pressure." Landesman mentioned several additional NEA projects including an animated series based on the popular children's book, Peter the Nearsighted Cyclops, and a six-hour environmental special describing a world in which the earth's most energetic global warming activists vanished. "Can you imagine no one talking about sustainability and carbon footprints? How scary is that?" (Photo: cdphe.state.co.us)

Obama Links Troop Increase to Leno Ratings

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC sources confirmed that President Barack Obama linked Afghan troop reinforcement to ratings of The Jay Leno Show. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source stated, "About a month ago, we started getting calls from the White House asking for Leno's overnights. Somebody here knows Kal Penn from the Harold and Kumar films. They called him in Washington and he [Penn] said the White House didn't have a clue on Afghanistan. And that, somehow, they'd tied the war to The Jay Leno Show and would reinforce if Leno broke 5 million viewers during November Sweeps." On Monday, Leno's ratings dipped to barely over 4 million, walloped by new episodes of CSI: Miami and Castle on CBS and ABC respectively. Two days later, news leaked that the President rejected all current troop options. "He's getting cold feet," said the source. "Unless Leno can pull off a miracle, we'll probably surrender to the Taliban before Christmas. If I were the military, I'd set Hugh Grant up with another prostitute. Better make it two. And one of them should be a monkey." (Photo: scrapetv.com)

Obama Blames Bush for Democrat Losses

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Annoyed over GOP victories in Virginia and New Jersey, President Obama blamed his party's defeats on former President George W. Bush. "Somehow Bush made mean things happen, like he usually does," said the President. "Make no mistake: he runs around and fills the air with bad juice." Asked about New Jersey where the president campaigned hard for Governor Jon Corzine, Obama responded, "Bush told us Corzine had a substantial lead. Clearly, he lied again. And we fell for it." When questioned about the Virginia governor's race, Obama laughed, "Isn't it clear? Bush filled the air with bad juice and a Democrat lost. Anyone who says different is not telling the truth." In addition, President Obama blamed Bush for the Thirty Year's War, the eruption of Krakatoa, and the last two seasons of The Sopranos. (Photo: hydarblog.wordpress.com)

Obama and Tiger Woods Plan Job Swap

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having golfed more in ten months than President Bush did in almost three years, Barack Obama announced he will join the PGA, leaving the country in the hands of Tiger Woods. "They worked out a swap," said Dan Pfeiffer, deputy White House communications director. "The President will begin preparing for the 2010 PGA Championship in Kohler, Wisconsin. Tiger will assume direction for two wars and a depressed economy. But don't think the President will be out of the loop. He'll be in constant touch with the White House between golf rounds, Democratic National Committee fundraisers, and date nights." Woods was unavailable for comment, but a source close to him stated the preeminent golfer was confident he would do a good job because Obama made governing seem so effortless. (Photo: swamppolitics.com)

Public Option Now Called 'Beer'

SUNRISE, FLA - In an attempt to pass mandatory government health care, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced she will call the new system, 'beer.' "We need a name with less baggage" stated Pelosi. "People like beer and we want them to like our new federal healthcare system." Inspired by the enthusiastic response to 'beer' from her staff, Pelosi referred to cap-and-trade as 'fun clown time' and card check as 'free sex.' (Photo: stuffeducatedlatinoslike...)

Baby Barack Doll In Stores For Christmas

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Retailers are hoping a new Barack Obama doll will be the Cabbage Patch Kids of this holiday season. Created by doll designer Hobin Loam, the soft plastic Baby Barack will come with a diaper, Obama-logo bib, and its own teleprompter. Kids can press the chest of Baby Barack to hear over 40 different phrases, including 'FOX News is picking on me,' 'The stimulus will halt unemployment at eight percent,' 'Do you speak the Austrian language?' Loam hopes to create a universe of Obama dolls, with new designs dependant on holiday sales. Future dolls could include Crabby Axelrod with a 3' x 3' patch of AstroTurf, and Mao Ze Dunn, designed after White House communications director Anita Dunn. Mao Ze Dunn comes complete with Chinese dictator uniform and a bowl of slaughtered peasants. (Photo: redstate.com)

Sudan Policy Introduces Genocide Coupons

KHARTOUM, SUDAN - In an attempt to reduce killing in Darfur, the U.S. announced it will offer 'genocide coupons' to Khartoum for each massacre they refrain from committing. "This is smart, realistic diplomacy," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "The Sudanese government will receive a coupon each time they stop themselves from butchering villagers. These coupons may be exchanged for lighter sanctions or a boxed CD set of President Obama's speeches." Sudanese President Bashir welcomed the new approach. "Coupons provide a real incentive for us to watch ourselves. I feel less massacre-y than ever." Clinton dismissed critics who labeled the new policy 'unrealistic.' "Coupons are a proven commodity. They'll work just as well, if not better, than reset buttons." (Photo: airsolutionsnw.com)

Howard Dean Sausages Linked to Rage in Lab Mice

PALO ALTO, CA - Good news and bad news for Howard Dean as his new breakfast sausages hit the shelves at the same time as a Stanford University report claiming Dean's pork patties caused rage in laboratory mice. The report stated tests were conducted with white mice sampling Dean's patty and link sausages. Within minutes, the fur around their throats turned red and the mice began emitting a series of harsh squeaks, eyes popping from their skulls as if trying to escape. Stanford researcher Dr. Hans Engebbi added, "They bit pencils in half and soiled a photo of Glenn Beck with mousy pellets." Democratic National Committee Chairman Dean erupted over the report. "This is nothing but right-wing SLANDER, orchestrated by BIG MEAT, attempting to ruin and destroy the first PROGRESSIVE BREAKFAST SAUSAGE!!!!" Chairman Dean then proceeded to bite a microphone in half and soiled a photo of Michelle Malkin. (Photo: omegaletter.com)

ACORN States Everyone Has Underage Sex Slaves

WASHINGTON, D.C. - ACORN denounced recent attacks on their organization as an 'overblown, hate smear because everyone keeps underage sex slaves.' According to spokesperson Grant Billings, "The reason our employees accommodated undercover operatives in housing teen prostitutes was because everyone has a few. I'll bet over a beer most people will admit to harboring thirteen-year-old, Salvadorean whores in the rec room." Billings stated media coverage was reminiscent of the 1998 scandal involving President Clinton's White House sexual adventures. "Once again, a big to-do over something everyone does - in this case, compelling foreign teenagers to love the mailman for cash." He added, "Ask your friends and you'll probably learn underage prostitution has paid for dental bills, Christmas presents and car repairs. This activity is a vital part of our economy. And, once we pass single-payer health care, these girls can get the HIV tests and penicillin shots they so vitally need. Won't that be better for everyone?" (Photo: starcasm.net)

Obama School Kid Song Written By Norah O'Donnell

BURLINGTON TOWNSHIP, NJ - A song by B. Bernice Young Elementary School kids in praise of President Obama was written by MSNBC correspondent Norah O'Donnell. According to an anonymous source, the 'Mmmm Mmmm Obama' tune was penned by O'Donnell during the 2008 presidential campaign. "Norah was listening to an Obama speech, swaying back and forth, enraptured by the marvelous cadence and power of his words," recalled the source. "Suddenly, she began humming 'mmmm mmmm,' then adding lyrics such as 'He said red, black, yellow or white/All are equal in his sight.' It was so spontaneous and real. Before you knew it, everyone on every network but Fox was singing along." O'Donnell tried teaching the lyrics to MSNBC's Keith Olbermann but he was unable to complete a verse without raging and screaming. "Norah felt Keith was hurting the song's tone of pure, innocent worship. So she gave him a belt to chew on." (Photo: jillstanek.com)

Obama: 'UN Parking Tickets Fund Global Warming Fight'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a speech to the United Nations, President Obama called upon member nations to pay their parking tickets so the United States could use the money to fight global warming. "We face a colossal cataclysm that will crush our craniums," said the President. "But with the money mustered from years and months of unpaid motor misdemeanors, America will mount a massive assault upon the monstrous morphing of our climate." The President is prepared to offer loans and grants to help countries pay their back tickets, as well as rebates and cash incentives if they pay before the end of 2009. President Obama hoped United Nations members would take advantage of these incentives. "I think the world will find they finish first fiscally by freely paying fines." (Photo: swamppolitics.com)

NEA Funds 'Urine Lake' in Support of ObamaCare

PILING, MA - Pro ObamaCare artists have filled an old quarry with thousands of gallons of urine in an NEA-funded exhibit called 'Urine Lake.' "These are my peeps," said Deputy Director Buffy Wicks of the White House Office of Public Engagement. Working with artists around the country in conjunction with the National Endowment of the Arts, Wicks hopes to energize the public in support of the President's health care initiative. "We wanted to make a bold statement right out of the gate," said Wicks about Urine Lake. "And while I can't tell you what it means exactly, it symbolizes healthcare change." Wicks and the NEA have also underwritten a ninety-foot statue of the Pope made out of bobcat dung, and the Bullwinkle balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade covered in menstrual blood. "Again, this is crazy stuff the artists come up with," giggled Wicks. "But it means pro healthcare change, which means its all good. Maybe they could use modeling clay sometime. I hope so. It would sure smell nicer." (Photo: flickr.com)

Second Tallest Man Charges Guinness Book with Racism

SOFIA, BULGARIA - At a press conference, Anastas Petkov Dragonov has accused the Guinness Book of World Records of racism in their choice of eight foot-one inch Sultan Kosen as World's Tallest Man. "Oh, yeah, sure, he's an inch taller than me. But don't you think that's racist?" An upset Guinness has stated they are considering giving the title to the shorter Dragonov. "This is a serious charge," said a Guinness spokesperson. "We will do all in our power not to be charged with this. If it will make Mr. Dragonov stop calling us that name, he can be tallest man in the world and we'll throw in some cash and a free copy of our book. I hope that pleases him." (Photo: i.ehow.com)

Old Fools Denounce Carter

RENO, NV - An organization of elderly oafs, jerks and big-mouths have signed a petition denouncing Jimmy Carter for referring to Obama critics as 'racist.' "He's a stupid, bumbling, turkey neck," said Old Fools International chairman Gideon Zurp, who dislikes the attention the thirty-ninth president steals from dim-witted elderly people. "He sucks up all the air in the room," complained Zurp. "I just said the German Army was living in low income housing in Crown Point, Indiana and were waiting for a signal to attack Chicago. But then Carter runs his yap and no one pays any attention to me. I wish the rabbit would come back and attack him again." (Photo: mrssatan.blogspot.com)