Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Government Takes Over Umbrella Corporation

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama announced he'd fired CEO Albert Wesker and that the federal government would now run Umbrella Corporation, creators of the zombie-making T-Virus and other Bio-Organic Weapons (BOWS). "There is a new future for Umbrella and that future is clean, green zombies," said the President. In a speech to shareholders, Obama announced that Umbrella's extensive ownership of high-tech, underground laboratories would be utilized in the fight against global warming. "Environmentally aware zombies use far less resources than most Americans and all fat people."

Wesker blamed the take-over on a decision by Umbrella's board (known as the Committee) to accept TARP funds last fall. "I told them we had our hands full covering up zombie outbreaks and tracking down Project Alice. But I was overruled." Insiders say Wesker brought the problem on himself when he nominated the White Queen to the board. This powerful artificial intelligence urged the company to accept billions from the federal government. "Based on her calculations, the White Queen felt the T-Virus was spreading so fast we wouldn't have to repay. Never trust anyone who doesn't need a severance package."

Obama inherits a company rich in labs, and well-stocked with heavily-armed security forces, black helicopters, a satellite network, and a host of murderous mutant beings such as Nemesis. In addition, and this could be trouble, Umbrella remains the target of Project Alice. Once a security operative, Alice Abernathy has morphed into a highly-efficient killing machine, determined to destroy the corporation. She is believed to be aided by several hundred clones. Obama expressed little concern for Project Alice, and felt the clones could be persuaded to work for ACORN.

In closing, the President stated, "We hope to use the Hive and other facilities to efficiently finish what Umbrella began: and that's the creation of a zombieized America that needs very little to live on - except for human flesh and we're working on that."
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Steve Burri said...

I am zombie- and I vote... in several precincts.

Ling Carter said...

Rest assured, you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Just found you...Awesome.

Dutch said...

I wish I understood what this post was about.

JP Mac said...

Resident Evil video game and movies.