Friday, May 1, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In addition to the Salvation Army, the Department of Homeland Security has issued an updated domestic extremism lexicon. Among groups needing law enforcement surveillance:
This anarchist band may have ties to Turkish unltranationalists as indicated by a preference for the red fez. Once seen at conventions in great numbers, their size has shrunk but not their dedication to disruptive tactics. Fond of dropping water bags from hotel rooms onto pedestrians. This may be crude bombing practice. Airports should be especially vigilant for drunken, middle-aged, Caucasian men in red fezzes, carrying large numbers of paper bags.
2. MARY KAY COSMETICS
Right-wing, extremist women whose goal is to force all women (and weak men) to purchase their cosmetics. Operate in cells and recruit by offering "free facials." They have been known to dress nicely and utter right-wing, extremist Christian prayers to a deity known as "God." Law enforcement should monitor mail boxes for tell-tale signs such as large, pink boxes containing cosmetics.
3. KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
A fanatical wing of the Catholic Church. According to DOH consultant Dan Brown, the Knights hide in plain sight, frequenting bowling alleys and church banquets. All the while, they plot to eradicate science, force children to speak Latin, and bake all smart people in a big pie and gobble them up. Many carry swords and wear hats resembling 17th-century naval head gear. Ports and coastlines should be closely watched, as the Knights believe the Pope will walk out of the sea and breath fire and/or shoot a ray from his head.