Friday, May 1, 2009

DOH Updates Threat Lexicon


WASHINGTON, D.C. - In addition to the Salvation Army, the Department of Homeland Security has issued an updated domestic extremism lexicon. Among groups needing law enforcement surveillance:

1. SHRINERS
This anarchist band may have ties to Turkish unltranationalists as indicated by a preference for the red fez. Once seen at conventions in great numbers, their size has shrunk but not their dedication to disruptive tactics. Fond of dropping water bags from hotel rooms onto pedestrians. This may be crude bombing practice. Airports should be especially vigilant for drunken, middle-aged, Caucasian men in red fezzes, carrying large numbers of paper bags.

2. MARY KAY COSMETICS
Right-wing, extremist women whose goal is to force all women (and weak men) to purchase their cosmetics. Operate in cells and recruit by offering "free facials." They have been known to dress nicely and utter right-wing, extremist Christian prayers to a deity known as "God." Law enforcement should monitor mail boxes for tell-tale signs such as large, pink boxes containing cosmetics.

3. KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
A fanatical wing of the Catholic Church. According to DOH consultant Dan Brown, the Knights hide in plain sight, frequenting bowling alleys and church banquets. All the while, they plot to eradicate science, force children to speak Latin, and bake all smart people in a big pie and gobble them up. Many carry swords and wear hats resembling 17th-century naval head gear. Ports and coastlines should be closely watched, as the Knights believe the Pope will walk out of the sea and breath fire and/or shoot a ray from his head.

Digg! (Photo: www.retrothing.com)

7 comments:

Steve Burri said...

4) Cub Scouts
A radical survivalist organization.

Dutch said...

Thank you INI for covering what the mainstream media refuses to acknowledge, the surge in subversive organizations across these United States. I am deeply troubled when I see these uniformed fanatics on my television and wonder what agenda they are pursuing beyond advancing the runner?

Dutch said...

They some how missed the homophobic bigots at the Boy Scouts of America, clearly a quasi-military right wing terrorist organization with ties to neckerchief slide carving cults.

Ling Carter said...

Paramilitary in nature divided into packs, employing a two-fingered salute. Their scarves may be used to strangle sleeping adults.

Congregate at hatefests known as "jamborees."

Almost certain to grow up and become Masons.

Dutch said...

Clearly the main stream media wants us to remain in our narcotized slumber while these insects of oppression, oppress us the oppressed. Armed with lethal neckerchiefs they march boldly in our nations parades carrying the banners announcing the float that won the governor's trophy in the annual Rose Parade! Honda won two years in a row with a peace through robotics and quality crafted vehicle theme, showing how far their evil suzerains have progressed. Is anymore proof necessary?

We can't warn about the Masons too frequently, whether Pamela, James or Perry; Mason Reese or Mason Williams they are all evil incarnate spawn of Satin, although I do like the way Mason Williams played that Classical Gas tune.

stickeenotes said...

Call me crazy, but I fear the girl scouts may be a radical organization with the intention of killing Americans with diabetes inducing delectables.

Attila Girl said...

I'm going to have to give this one to Dutch, though he did forget to address the issue of mason jars/

 
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