Post Office Cutting Back On Saturday Delivery, Drinking, Theft, Shoot Outs

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having lost 3.8 billion dollars last year, the Post Office will consider ending Saturday deliveries, as well as asking employees to stop drinking on the clock, stealing packages, and shooting fellow workers and patrons in blind rages. According to Postmaster General John Potter, "These are common sense decisions that will help save money and improve service, especially the whole 'not-shooting anyone' part." Potter must obtain congressional approval to end Saturday service, while the other requests are directed toward employees. "They don't really listen to me," said Potter. "I can only ask them not to finish their route early and hang out in a bar, or swipe cool stuff from the parcel post bin, or spit lead because they got written up for cutting across lawns. Maybe we could hire a lot of pretty girls to deliver the mail and work as clerks. I'd like that. Write me c/0 the Postmaster General, Washington, D.C. if you think that's a good idea."