Sunday, March 21, 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Biologists have downgraded former anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak from the Chordate subphylum Vertebrata, or creatures with backbones, to invertebrate status. Stupak once opposed the health care bill because it funded abortions, but switched to 'yes' in exchange for an executive order exploring the abortion issue and written on good bond paper. Said Dr. Sonia Riley of Scripps Institute: "By trading his vote for a legally meaningless eo [executive order], Mr. Stupak chose to jettison his spine. Scientifically, we must now classify him somewhere between comb jellies and the sea sponge." House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has promised Stupak a salt-water tank for the remainder of the congressional session where the Michigan democrat may float like a starfish, feasting on algae. "His life span is much shorter now," added Riley. "As an organless ball of jelly, he'll need flowing water in order to operate his excretory system." A spokesperson for Speaker Pelosi stated there were no plans to add anything more to Stupak's tank. "He should've taken an aquarium pump over an executive order. At least a pump does something."