Buddha Found Dead in Road

SANTA MONICA, CA - Police are investigating the murder of Gautama Buddha, also known as the "enlightened one," who was found beaten and strangled outside a meditation center on Ocean Park Boulevard. "We're thinking this was a crime of opportunity," said Detective Phil Gomez. "Maybe even a hate crime. Someone met the Buddha on Ocean Park, maybe didn't like his long ear lobes, or thought his beads were faggy or disliked pudgy people, whatever." Fourteen members of Divine Awakening Temple and Pilates are being detained for questioning. "They all claim to have been meditating at the time of the crime. We'll see," said Gomez. In addition, Gomez reported finding evidence that the victim may have brought the violence onto himself. "I came across a saying of his, 'If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.' Not to speak ill of the dead, but you shouldn't talk smack unless you can back it up. He couldn't. Now he's a dead, fat guy in a robe. Maybe he was born to suffer? Maybe we all are. Maybe he was born to run? I hope not. With all that weight he would've run flat into a heart attack. Then it wouldn't be murder and I could go home. But that's life for you." (Photo: raisengrrl)