Slab of Pork Chosen to Fill Murtha's Seat

HARRISBURG, PA - Pennsylvania Democrats have chosen a large slab of greasy pork to fill the congressional seat of the late John Murtha. "We could've gone with a human being," said Democratic political operative Vincent Weaseling, "but we wanted to remind voters what they could lose if they vote for someone else." Murtha's district features an extraordinary number of facilities built with federal funds including an airport, office buildings, a seven-story aquarium and casino, and a mortuary for pigeons. Weaseling was optimistic about the May election, "People like free things that other people pay for. John [Murtha] sure did. In return, he'd vote any way you told him to. Too bad this isn't Chicago. He'd still be voting."