Suicide Barrier Uses High-Voltage Grid, Lasers

SEATTLE, WA - In a bid to halt suicide jumpers leaping off the Aurora Bridge, Seattle has constructed a high-voltage suicide barrier protected by lasers and patrolled by thugs. "State-of-the-art," said Beal King, a city attorney. An eight-foot chain link fence along the Aurora pedestrian walkway is connected to the city's electrical grid. "Anyone tries climbing that barrier to jump will be cooked like a French Fry. And if some joker puts on thick rubber gloves and boots to beat the fence, they'll be cut in half by laser beams." According to King, the recession has allowed the city to assemble a cadre of unemployed, armed with ax handles. "A pedestrian on that walk-way who even looks like he's going to jump will get the beating of his life. I already checked the law. We're cool." Seattle's aggressive attempt to end suicide jumpers will be closely watched by San Francisco, home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the nation's most popular suicide spot. "'Frisco should take a page out of our book," said King. "People want to check out of life, fine. But they can't use the Aurora Bridge. And if they try, bad things will happen. So, that's bad compounded. Who wants that noise?"