Robot Recommends Stop the Bleedin'

Money's no object when you print away,
Do like Wiemar or Zimbabwe,
And when the press eventually halts,
Point to Bush,
It's all his fault!

Federal Rules for Making a New Years Resolution

Nothing says 'individual effort' like Uncle Sam.
via American Digest

Exotic After-Christmas Bargains

Not everything sells. Ask the man who invented the Joy Behar sex doll. But in this post-Christmas period, let overstock be your friend. Get out and take advantage of certain rare and unusual gifts that didn't beckon to the general public but will appeal to the discriminating INI reader.

SNACKS FROM THE RACE TRACK
Popcorn, chips and Slim Jims all mixed together and cured with cigarette smoke; wrapped in an authentic racing form. Perfect for the family member who has read too much Charles Bukowski.

BABOON CRIB
Identical to a infant crib except the bars are made of tungsten steel and there's a cage top also made of steel. Inside features a water bowl and flea-ridden carpet. Good for exceptionally wild kids or a real baboon if you have one. Comes with a banana mobile.

ROBOT HEAD WITH EYE RAYS
Thank you again, Japan. This dashing conversation piece is an exact likeness of Imperial Army Col. Kiyonao Ichiki who shot himself after losing a battle to U.S. Marines on Guadalcanal. The head emanates a soft glow that makes it an excellent night light. However it periodically fires low-intensity lasers from its eyes that can ignite furniture if left on too long. There is a way to regulate the lasers but the instructions are in Japanese.

BACKYARD HOMELESS SHELTER
Inflatable shelter is similar to birthday bouncers but with folding cots, extra large coffee urn, AA literature, and sand-filled coffee cans for butts. Isn't equipped with homeless but, as the man said, if you build it they will come.

Ezra Klein's Constitutional Essay

Iowahawk has a copy.

Blizzard Hampers Anti-Smoking Program

NEW YORK CITY, NY - As finger pointing continues over the city's haphazard response to a devastating winter storm, Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg expressed concern about the fate of his no-smoking campaign. "Winter weather is natural but tobacco use is preventable," said the Mayor. "We can't allow a little snow to derail our efforts." Bloomberg triggered criticism for diverting snow plows to bodegas and convenience stores to ensure these businesses displayed posters of diseased lungs designed to frighten smokers. In addition, Bloomberg hired dozens of unemployed actors, sending them out into the storm to roam Manhattan wearing sandwich boards saying, 'Smoking is Not Permitted in New York City.' "Blizzards  make individuals tense," noted the Mayor. "And tension may be used as an excuse to reach for a cigarette. If a potential smoker sees someone wearing a no-smoking sign, it could remind them to think before acting." Many of the actors had not reported back, but Bloomberg was unconcerned. "Those sandwich boards are constructed out of durable wood. In a crisis, you could huddle down inside one tepee style. Once the  storm subsides, our people can return to work and prevent smoking. We're just going to hope for the best. Fortunately, New York City has plenty of actors. However those signs are city property." (Image: dailymail.com.uk)

Poets Inspired by 111th Congress

PITTSBURGH, PA - Awed by the output of the most productive lame-duck Congress since the 1960s, the nation's poets have responded with a variety of works praising the federal legislature. "People think we mostly write about love and trees, " said Audrey Corrigan, a local poet who sidelines as a barista. "But great deeds call forth great verse. In fact, I think those very words are from a poem, but I can't remember." While serving lattes, Corrigan recited several lines from a work-in-progress praising Harry Reid:
Ravine Face,
Desert Man,
Yes, We Can
Fund Ethanol.
Other poets felt called to celebrate the leadership of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Garner Zane, a high school English teacher, recently penned an ode while on suspension for damaging school property with a trench shovel.  In part, Zane's work read:
Funny wide face,
Lips like ruby fish,
Old and Crazy,
But You Passed the Food Safety Modernization Act,
Now pass the gravy!
Or I'll hit you with a trench shovel!
Ha, ha, just kidding.
In a way.
Not all poems hailed legislative achievements. Poet Jules Tarponski wept bitterly when he heard Alan Grayson had lost his reelection bid in Florida. A Service Employees International Union official in Orlando, Tarponski found time to write about the former congressman in-between greyhound races:
Big and loud,
Like a thunder cloud,
How much cash,
Did we pump up your ass?
And you still lost,
Like every stinking dog I've bet on today.

U.N. Likely

Charity begins at home and so does home security, courtesy of the U.N.

Adding an 'F' to U.N.

A year's worth of astounding stuff thanks to the Daily Caller via Rightnetwork.

Bulbs Dim as Whale Lamps Light Up California

SACRAMENTO, CA - With the Golden State phasing out 100-watt incandescent light bulbs beginning Jan. 1, retailers are gearing up to sell lamps powered by whale oil. Once popular as an illuminant and a rust protector for iron bridges and dental implements, whale oil use diminished after the mid-19 century discovery of kerosene. But with incandescents being replaced by CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Lights) and CFL's having numerous drawbacks—mercury-filled, costly, odd twisty shapes—whale oil has been staging a quiet green fuel comeback.

In Cambria at Whales and Walking Sticks, owner Kadie Freeman sold another lamp and a half-barrel of fuel. "Baleen oil lasts the longest,"said Freeman, "though pilot whale oil will do in a pinch." Once a staunch member of Greenpeace, Freeman realized that drastic action was necessary to combat global warming. "All life on earth is toast if we don't immediately  reduce our energy consumption," she said, eyes alight with conviction. "Humans are giving up practical, easy-to-replace incandescent bulbs. The least whales can do is part with a little oil."

At New Lamps for Old in San Francisco, manager Billy Bitkin stated many customers liked the smell of whale oil. "It's very sea-like, very timbers-creaking-sort-of-thing." Bitkin can't wait until spring when eco tours embark on gray whale hunts. "Thar she blows," he joked. Bitkin and others sail out near the Farallon Islands, wait for gray whales to surface, then blast them with shotguns loaded with deer slugs. The carcasses are towed back to a cove near Sausalito where passengers don rubber aprons and help strip and boil down the whale for its oil. "When we're done, we each get a little keg of whale oil to take home," added Bitkin. "It's like ashes-at-a-funereal-only-practical-sort-of-thing."(Image: MSNBC.com)

Playmate Engaged to Aging Libertine

LOS ANGELES, CA - Elderly Man-Tramp Hugh Hefner announced his engagement to 24-year old Playmate Crystal Harris. The eighty-four-year-old Hefner, noted for founding a magazine dedicated to photographing naked women in leg warmers and baseball caps, presented Harris with a ring over the Christmas weekend. Younger by 3 generations, Harris, burst into tears, "We'll have so much to talk about. He can tell me about World War II and the Eisenhower administration." In a more serious vein, Harris added, "But my main task will be to make Hugh's little yacht cap spin, as well as pick up his robes from the dry cleaners." Hefner has vowed not to have sex with other women during the marriage ceremony. Harris was touched by that. "When I heard, I knew Hugh really cared. I mean, really." Harris grew philosophical,  "My marriage to Hugh is based on mutual respect and love and has nothing to do with me raking in big money through death or divorce. We were made for each other—only in completely different historical eras."(Image: SuperiorPics.com)

Merry Christmas and Zombies

Thoughtful holiday tips on dealing with the undead.

Gifts from the Hugo Chavez Catalog

Last minute items you can't just buy anywhere.

Serial Killers Hampered by Heavy Rains

SANTA ROSA, CA - Herman Belm had a body to discard but Mother Nature had other plans. "I threw this guy's husk into a drainage ditch," said Belm, who colorfully refers to bodies as 'husks.' "But the water level was so high, the husk got washed along about a mile then snagged on a bridge. Now anybody can see it." Belm's disposal dilemmas mirror those of dozens of California serial killers, forced to improvise during some of the worst rains ever to hit the Golden State. Belm has had victims escape his basement during black outs, seen his special manacle-equipped van wrecked in a flash flood, and lost his murder kit in deep mud. "I can't tell you how maddening this last week has been," moaned Belm. "I already believe everyone is against me and that I'm surrounded by numerous enemies. Then this storm rolls in and confirms every suspicion the voices have been telling me for years."

Other serial killers, though angry and frustrated, take a more philosophical approach. Gordon Zillmeiner, who kills migrant farm workers near Fresno, feels the rains are a sign. "I've been working so hard lately, plus the holidays. Maybe nature is telling me to ease off on the throttle a bit and enjoy life more." With another storm due to hit this weekend, Multiple Life Expungers like Belm and Zillmeiner must adapt as best they can. "My husk count is way down," raged Belm. "Hopefully it [incoming storm] won't last long. I'm ready to snap."(Images: associatedcontent; CNN)

Robotic Christmas

Seasonal poetry garnished with politics from Mind Numbed Robot.

Jewish Warlock Confirms Gitmo Ghost Cat

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - A Jewish warlock interrogator admitted creating an invisible cat that sexually assaulted a prisoner.  2008 detainee Walid Muhammad Hajj told Al Jazeera that an unseen cat attempted to penetrate his anus while he slept. Hajj stated the tactic was typical of those used by Jewish warlocks to break him and other Muslims. Investigating the allegation, Justice Department lawyers deposed a Jewish warlock who initially denied everything. Threatened with a grand jury, the warlock finally admitted to creating a gray tabby named 'Moshe' for use in softening up hard-case prisoners. Said the warlock, "So fine, magic is more of an art than a science. Moshe wasn't supposed to feckle Hajj; just cough up fur balls all night." Amnesty International's Ricardo Conklin was furious. "When will the United States realize that the immoral use of Jewish magicians can only blow-back on itself. Guantanamo will serve as a recruiting center for Islamic terrorists as long as there are brutal assaults on a man's rump by a ghost cat." Justice Department lawyers kept mum on what action—if any—would be taken against the warlock. An anonymous source stated, "Magic of any kind will be on hold until we've reviewed procedures. Pity. Those Jew warlocks could turn an oven mitten into a blueberry bagel that tasted great with cream cheese and French Roast. They couldn't create coffee or the cream cheese, but they ordered in." (Image: FederalJack.com)

Defiant Specter Barricaded in Senate Office, Refuses to Leave

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a bitter, peevish farewell speech, Senator Arlen Specter locked himself in his senate office, ignoring all efforts to coax him out. "I live in the United States Senate!" bawled the lame duck Pennsylvania senator through the locked door. "I am a Washington man. I am a little king." Specter aides reported hearing a bottle clink against glass leading some to speculate that Specter had been drinking heavily. A former Democrat who became a Republican before switching back to Democrat, then losing the 2010 Democratic primary to Joe Sestak, Specter's office rant was loud and non-stop, reminding many of the character of Lord Humongous from The Road Warrior. Explained one senate aide, "Arlen Specter isn't very buff but he's bald and can bellow forever like a castrated steer." Capitol Hill police eventually cleared the space in front of the office, reasoning that while Specter stayed inside he wasn't hurting anything other than the furniture. As aides and police departed, Specter switched his tirade to the Keystone State's voters. "I know what those feckless redneck, turd-kickers need, but they didn't want old Arlen. Fine. I'll run again in 2016. I'll disguise myself as an Indian squaw. That's it! I'll run as Mocking Crow, an old wise Indian squaw. None of those idiots will know." (Image: No Dhimmitude)

US Outsources Death Drugs

Our lethal injection 'cocktails' are supplied by the British, doing the jobs Americans won't.

FCC To Apply Semaphore Rules to Web

WASHINGTON, D.C.  -  In what is expected to be a ground-breaking vote today, the Federal Communications Commission has announced they will regulate the Internet using a 19th century law designed to control the improper use of semaphore flags. "We have the authority," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski. "By law, all regulatory oversight from the Semaphore and Balloon Decency Act of 1889 reverted to the FCC upon its founding [in 1934]." Believed to have the three votes necessary for approval, Genachowski explained that the new regulations will somehow act as a brake on predatory wireless companies in a way not yet known. Observers were puzzled by the FCC inclusion of an 1889 law originally passed to curb the sending of adult messages across state lines by means of flags, rods, paddles or disks. Said Genachowski: "In the run-up to today's vote there were a lot of compromises and deals with Verizon and AT&T. We [the FCC] ended up granting various loopholes and exemptions. Frankly, I don't even understand what we're doing anymore. So when someone suggested we use the semaphore law, I said 'Is everyone onboard?' They were and so we did."

Headline Update

The Pentagon states it may take months to implement new rules replacing DADT. Until then, gay military personal are asked to follow a temporary policy entitled: Go Ahead and Ask but Don't Wear A Feathered Boa.

Winter Solstice-Eclipse Means Increase in Human Sacrifice

MONTREAL, CANADA - Experts predict Tuesday's rare full lunar eclipse, coupled with the winter solstice, will lead to a surge in human sacrifice, particularly among the homeless. "Something like this awesome eclipse means the devil is coming to eat us,"said Wiccan high priest Ember Nall. "An infant sacrifice would be best. Still, we'll probably just ritually kill a bum; it cuts down on police interest." But others refuted Nall. "The energy released by this celestial act is transformative, highly feminine and unrelated to Satan," said Marjorie Highsmith of the West Montreal Feminist Pagan Society. "Nevertheless, just to be safe, we'll ritually murder a non-female homeless person." As might be expected, astronomers take a different view. Professor Herbert Mackenzie of McGill University remarked, "December 21 begins the first day of northern winter when the full moon passes through the earth's shadow. This shadow will initially appear as a dark red section of the lunar disc. Earth's shadow or the bite of a giant space monster? Clearly, it's the earth's shadow. Nevertheless,  I intend to ritually slay a colleague who made some snarky remarks about a paper I wrote." The last time these two heavenly events occurred was in 1554 AD. During the darkness, it is believed Turkish troops ritually beheaded a tramp and several people with low-paying jobs. (Image: Drudge Report.)

Military Must Learn Show Tunes, Line Dancing

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following yesterday's senate vote allowing gay military to serve openly, the Defense Department has ordered all active duty personal to learn show tune lyrics. Said Defense Department spokesperson Neil Feebner, "We intend to get out ahead of the ruling and be ready when DADT is officially repealed in two months." Denying rumors that "Fan Dance Cha-Cha" will replace Taps, Feebner stated troops will begin with songs such as "What About Love?" from The Color Purple and eventually train up to a Judy Garland medley that includes "This Could Be the Start of Something Big" and "Steppin' Out With My Baby." Senior officers must additionally know three Andrew Lloyd Webber tunes and one elective number from either Les Miserables or Annie.
Furthermore, a voluntary program of line dancing will be offered for service members, though proficiency will not be mandatory until 2012. "Anyone interested in promotion after next year better start learning to grapevine to 'Achy Breaky Heart,' said Feebner. "And that'll be an order." (Image: Medestino)

The Next Wave

It's enough to bum you out.

Hobosexuality in America - watch more funny videos

via Funny or Die

Polanski Denounces Assange as 'Sexual Creep'

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - The Ministry of Justice received an open letter from Roman Polanski, supporting Sweden in its attempt to extradite Julian Assange in connection with two cases of sexual assault. The award-winning, international film director urged prosecuting Wikileaks founder Assange as a way of upholding basic morality. Wrote Polanski:
"Dearest Government of Sweden:
Please try Julian Assange without mercy for his unbridled, callous actions. Have this depraved sexual creep thrown into your dankest prison where his fey, pale looks will ensure he is used like a prostitute aboard an aircraft carrier.
We in the arts community hold ourselves to a higher moral standard than society in general. (I attribute this to our greater sensitivity and empathy for others.) Thus artists everywhere were mortified that Assange would betray two woman, using them for his own selfish ends—an act unthinkable in cinema. Sweden has the opportunity—no!—the duty to show the world that notoriety and fame are no defense when it comes to elemental standards of decency.
I stand with the victims.
Roman Polanski
PS
If it is necessary to hide the victims for their own good, I have a spare room in my Swiss villa."
(Image: Celebrity Smack!)

Meineke Car Care bowl Renamed Pumpkin-Sized Goitre Bowl

CHARLOTTE, NC - Starting next year, mid-conference finishers from the ACC and the Big East will meet in the Pumpkin-Sized Goitre Bowl thanks to The American Thyroid Institute. "We're thrilled to be a part of college football," gushed Gerald Wong, ATI spokesman. Primarily involved with the study of Class III goitres, the Institute will take over sponsorship of the annual football game held at Charlotte's Bank of America Stadium. According to Wong, 2011 events will include a pregame parade of people with pumpkin-sized goitres and a half-time show saluting iodine-131 used in the treatment of Class III goitres. In addition, Wong stated the ATI is currently recruiting attractive women between the ages of 18 and 24 to be the Goitre Girls. "They'll cheer both teams, of course, and add a dash of beauty to the spectacle." Wong said any beautiful woman with basic dance and movement skills could audition. Then he added, "But they'll have to agree to wear a large, false goitre while performing. It bolsters the ambiance." (Image: Wickipedia)

Oh, Shoot

Terrorist fail via Divine Ripples. Couldn't happen to nicer people.

Yodel Not, Good Helmut

Via Drudge Report: Know ye not the law, sir?

Harvard Halts Homophobe Hunt; Blames 'Books and Urine' Art Project

BOSTON, MA - Harvard University has called off the search for a homophobe vandal and now states that 36 LGBT library books soaked in urine were part of a new federal art project. Said Harvard librarian Amiee Lyttle-Klunder, "We should've remembered. Last week, Harvard participated in a project called "Books and Urine." Funded by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, the project involved local artists pouring urine from homeless people onto university books. Lyttle-Klunder continued: "The purpose was to demonstrate how universities deny [the homeless] a free higher education. We were told in advance and I guess the word didn't reach all the staff. So no harm, no foul expect for the urine smell. It's quite heady."

But Harvard's Queer Student alliance remains sceptical. "How come they didn't pee all over Christian books then jam a crucifix upside in a urine cup? That's how you know its NEA." Lyttle-Klunder hoped the misunderstanding would blow over, but defended Books and Urine. "Art is meant to be challenging; to shake you out of your comfort zone." Nevertheless she expressed reservations about a follow-up NEA project. "It's called "Books and Number 2." I hope it's not what I think it is. I really do." (Image: Shroomery)

Mixed Martial Peace Activists

Back with money in my pocket—just in time to spend it on Christmas fruitcakes. I hope all have been well or wellish. Here is some interesting news on a non-violent social experiment that ended dynamically. (Image: thenewblackmagazine.com)

Newsbusted

via Eyeblast.tv