Monkey Island Now Called 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island'

A monkey pauses from defecating to swat a zoo keeper.

 TAMPA, FL - After a recent escape by twenty-nine monkeys, the Fort Hardy Wildlife Preserve announced they have changed the name of their Monkey Island to reflect a more mature appreciation of the animal's characteristics. "We're calling it 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island' so people know what they're dealing with," said zoo president Curtis Naylor. "The new signs are up already." Naylor's attitude stems from incidents subsequent to the animals' escape. According to local news sources, the beasts swam across a moat, then ran wild through the grounds, defecating on cars, flinging feces at zoo patrons, and smearing feces across the ground as if finger-painting, picking out bits of seed then eating it.

In addition, monkeys raided the Giraffe Grill and stole pizza and cups of French Fries which they proceeded to eat, defecate and re-eat. Another monkey was observed having sex with a coin-operated telescope.

"This place was hell on greased wheels," recalled Naylor. "It was like a fire in a dormitory for the blind. We finally got the monkeys back across the moat but it was pure chaos with a chaser of disgust." Naylor originally wanted to rename the enclosure 'Nasty Ass, Crap-Eating Monkey Island' but was denied by the zoo's board of directors.

"Buncha do-nothing weaklings," snorted Naylor, referring to the directors. "I got push-back on the new name but put it up anyway." Naylor was unable to designate the species contained on the island. "Beats me. Is there a special crap-eating monkey? If so, then we got it here in spades."
Image: A. L.O. P.

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,'  President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes  this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting 

Occupy LA Demands Their Sceenplays Be Read

Angry demonstrators agitate for deal memos.

 LOS ANGELES, CA - In the wake of eviction from a City Hall encampment, Occupy LA protesters demanded that literary agencies read their screenplays or they [Occupy LA] would begin camping in offices on Sunset Boulevard. "First Amendment rights are swept aside when agents refuse to see our work," said Corky Reyes, chairman of the movement's Entertainment Industry Assembly and author of Psycho Jug Slasher II. "We have a voice and our voice needs to be heard," said Occupier Cora Sampling, co-author of the female comedy, My Best Friend is a Slut Bitch. "And we want executives with decision-making power to read our work; not some low level flunky doing coverage for fifty bucks a script."

Some felt such Occupy tactics were doomed. Said Hollywood Reporter writer Cam Taylor: "Screenwriters have been camping out at agent offices for almost a century and it doesn't work. If there's one thing Hollywood excels at, it's ignoring outsiders."

As if to underscore Taylor's remarks,  there are reports that a group of Occupy LA protesters set up tents inside a West Hollywood office building, outside the suites of the Star Nova Literary Agency. At first, the protesters were greeted warmly by agency employees and informed that Hollywood stood behind them and admired their courage. Coffee and bottled water were made available as well as a rest room key. Their screenplays were collected and the protesters were told that "someone will get back to you."

However, later that day, the protesters set up a drum circle and interrupted negotiations for a three-picture first look deal with Sony that would've netted Star Nova hundreds of thousands of dollars in agent fees. Within minutes, building security brutally ejected the occupiers, throwing them down the stairs and breaking their drums. Outside on the sidewalk the protesters were arrested by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for trespassing and theft of a rest room key.
Image: ABC News

Aggressive Stupidity Keeps CA Bullet Train On Track

SACRAMENTO, CA - Projected to run billions over budget, California's bullet train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco is moving forward thanks to a combination of vision, federal money, and good old-fashioned stupidity. "California has always been about the vision," said Leon Wicker, chief of pilates and yoga for the California High-Speed Rail Authority, the agency set up by Governor Jerry Brown to oversee construction. "Federal money will help some but after that you're dealing with a state teetering on bankruptcy. Our bonds suck. Agencies are seeing their budgest slashed more than a Freddy Krueger movie. But Jerry Brown's going ahead and building a railroad. And for that you need a far-thinking, tough stupidity."

Slated to be finished in 2033 and requiring an estimated 98 billion dollars—3 times the projected cost—the 520-mile line connecting two major California cities will first link Bakersfield to a desolate region south of Chowchilla, located in a region officially referred to as 'crap junction.'  Said Wicker, "That 130-mile stretch will cost 6 billion and connect Bakersfield to a field of dust south of a town no one wants to visit. Then the federal money runs out. So where does a broke state find the cash to complete a seemingly useless, unpopular project? A regular guy might not even start if you can barely pay cops and fireman. But see, that's where underpants-on-your-head stupidity comes in."

Proponents of the rail believe the project will create a 100,000 new government jobs, mostly in the fields of fianance, legal, the environment and sex workers. In addition, Governor Jerry Brown has indicated that despite his age—73—he will be present one way or the other when the project is completed. Said Dever Biforn of the Friends of High-Speed Rail: "We're working with some Russians from the Kremlin who oversee the preservation of Lenin. We hope to have Governor Brown stuffed and encased in glass, overlooking the railroad that he stupidly set out to build."

Biforn gleefully mentioned it was even possible Brown could still be governor in 2033. Under California law it is illegal to discriminate against dead people by denying them political office even when they are sealed in glass and stuffed with straw.

First link in the chain—end point of Bakersfield to Chowchilla line.
h/t: hheellooo7

Army Training Will Incorporate Wal-Mart Mayhem

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Impressed by customer violence unleashed during Black Friday, Pentagon officials have announced talks with Wal-Mart CEO Mike Dukes over using the retail giant to prepare soldiers for combat. Said Army spokesman Major Lee Douglas, "Training must be rigorous and realistic in order to save lives. The U.S. Army believes no location better acclimatizes soldiers to the brute savergery of war than a Wal-Mart limited offer sale for a $2 waffle maker."

As the Pentagon budget faces cuts from a cost-strapped congress, Maj. Douglas believes pitting troops against Wal-Mart shoppers will be 'win-win.' He explained, "We can practice escape and evasion by having men egress the video section through a hostile mob with an Xbox controller. Our chemical weapons training will receive a boost by having soldiers grab a Wii game then catch a blast of pepper spray."

While negotiations are still underway, Wal-Mart spokesman Melonie McNeil was cautiously optimistic. "As a rule, Wal-Mart, like most retail establishments, isn't proud of near riots and in-store gunfights. But from the Army standpoint, that's a real plus."
Image: Smartstun 

h/t: VaiTomarN0Cu

Homeless Volunteer to Feed Hollywood Stars

LOS ANGELES, CA - As Americans prepare to dine on turkey and cranberries, the nation's homeless have not forgotten those more fortunate than most. Generous homeless have announced that for the second year in a row they'll attempt to deliver simple meals to Hollywood stars. "Didn't work out too good last year," said a homeless volunteer named Gus. "I tried to give a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and some Slim Jims to George Clooney but he had a security guard tase me." Salty Sally of the Midnight Mission on San Pedro St. tried to bring a plate of chili and a half bottle of old Bud to Matt Damon. "Old Matt had his housekeeper chase me with dogs and one of 'em ate my comb." The homeless are generally surprised by their harsh reception at celebrity homes. "We never do squat to 'em down here," said Gus. "They're always so nice serving turkey with the TV cameras on." Gus was quick to point out that not all celebrities were jerks. "Kim Kardashian didn't want any boloney but she let me drink out of her garden hose so that was cool."
Image:bum wine

Return of Intersting News Items!

Interesting News Items emerging from the ashes of erratic blogging.

A phine mess!

Rock steady posting for a year or so, then nothing for several months, back again, then no posts since August.

As a result, not a single regular reader, sterile links, a total absence of comments—not even spam.

Unmonetized, unlinked, unloved; a waste of 0's and 1's.

An anti-blog, colder than the moons of Saturn.

But Interesting News Items will begin again!

In fact, it's rising now. Not greatly; more hillock than crag. But rising nonetheless—in an up direction that can only lead skyward!
Image: wikia.com