Airlines Move to Phase Out Passengers

CHICAGO - In order to streamline operations, several major airlines have begun reducing the number of passengers per flight. "It'll speed up service," said United spokesperson Heidi Flynn. "Currently, our 747s are capped at 22 people as we work toward making all flights customer free."

"Think of it as a natural progression," said Continental spokesman Jarrod Hayes. "Reduce service, seat size, food, charge more for luggage, lose the luggage, and arrive and depart when we're good and ready. Soon there won't be any reason to fly, but we're hoping customers keep buying tickets through force of habit."

Flynn was optimistic. "Without people, we should be zipping across country in no time. Of course, passenger ticket sales will continue. But instead of flying, customers will receive chits signifying a symbolic journey. And the cool part is that these chits count toward frequent flier mileage."