Cannibal Hockey League Seeks Respect

CALGARY, CANADA - With NHL play beginning, everybody's talking Flames while nobody's talking the Munching Eagles. "It's like we don't exist to anyone," said Eagle's Coach Pierre St. Laurent, referring to the brand new Cannibal Hockey League. Formed as a result of a massive lawsuit brought against the NHL by the ACLU, backed by Canadian and U.S. anti-discrimination laws, the CHL consists of fourteen teams in the United States, Canada, and Greenland. "Most of our guys are from New Guinea, the Solomon Islands and places like that there," said St. Laurent. "So teaching 'em ice hockey was a real nutcracker." Battling player ignorance isn't the team's only hurdle. The Munching Eagles face off later this week against the Vermont Long Pigs at Pengrowth Saddledome. According to St. Laurent, "We drop the puck at 2:00 AM. Not many people want to watch cannibal hockey at that time. It could be a problem." Marketing for the new league has been controversial, focusing on guilt-tripping the public into attending games or being labeled 'racist cannibal haters.' "I'm not so sure that's a hundred percent the way to go," said St. Laurent. "But, when I think about it, maybe no crowd is a good thing at first. A lot of the guys still worship cargo and eat each other. We need to cut down on that while they're on the ice, eh?" Tickets to Thursday morning's contest are still available. The first one-thousand fans will receive a shrunken head with the Munching Eagles logo and tickets to a road game in Butte, Montana against the Noshing Cattlemen.

Iran Decries Polanski Arrest

TEHRAN, IRAN - Joining movie mogul Harvey Weinstein and a growing chorus of international celebrities, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has spoken out on the Swiss arrest of film director and convicted child-molester Roman Polanski. "This is immoral, disgusting, and disgraceful," said Ahmadinejad. "Polanski is a famous film director. Hello? Chinatown, anyone? So he buggered a girl child? And...?" The Iranian President pointed out under Iranian law, child-rape is only illegal if a male family member objects. "Then you attend religious court and, if the mullah had a rough night, end up paying a few rial." Ahmadinejad chuckled when told Polanski had plied the girl with alcohol and drugs before raping her. "Westerners are so soft and devious. What ever happened to a Tootsie Pop and brute force?" (Photo: africanpress.wordpress.com & luishipolito.wordpress.com)

ACORN States Everyone Has Underage Sex Slaves

WASHINGTON, D.C. - ACORN denounced recent attacks on their organization as an 'overblown, hate smear because everyone keeps underage sex slaves.' According to spokesperson Grant Billings, "The reason our employees accommodated undercover operatives in housing teen prostitutes was because everyone has a few. I'll bet over a beer most people will admit to harboring thirteen-year-old, Salvadorean whores in the rec room." Billings stated media coverage was reminiscent of the 1998 scandal involving President Clinton's White House sexual adventures. "Once again, a big to-do over something everyone does - in this case, compelling foreign teenagers to love the mailman for cash." He added, "Ask your friends and you'll probably learn underage prostitution has paid for dental bills, Christmas presents and car repairs. This activity is a vital part of our economy. And, once we pass single-payer health care, these girls can get the HIV tests and penicillin shots they so vitally need. Won't that be better for everyone?" (Photo: starcasm.net)

U.S. Threatens Iran with Carrot-and-Celery-Stick Diplomacy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Upon learning of Iran's second nuclear facility, the State Department promised to unleash 'carrot and celery stick diplomacy.' "We will talk with Iran," said State Department spokesperson Adam Weltman. "But if they fail to explain this new facility with its nuclear bomb-making capability, then Iran can expect another, more serious round of talks." Weltman believes a combination of talking, then talking harshly will convince Iran to cooperate with international agencies. "No one likes back-to-back talks," said Weltman. "Especially when there's a real tone to the second talking. We believe this will bring the Iranians to the table and keep them there." When pressed for comment, an Iranian spokesperson stated everyone fears a good scolding. Nevertheless, Iran would talk with the United States even if some of the talks held notes of disappointment and shame. "We will continue strengthening our facility, but we will also talk. And listen. We will talk and listen. That is how seriously we take this." (Photo: worldofstock.com)

Obama School Kid Song Written By Norah O'Donnell

BURLINGTON TOWNSHIP, NJ - A song by B. Bernice Young Elementary School kids in praise of President Obama was written by MSNBC correspondent Norah O'Donnell. According to an anonymous source, the 'Mmmm Mmmm Obama' tune was penned by O'Donnell during the 2008 presidential campaign. "Norah was listening to an Obama speech, swaying back and forth, enraptured by the marvelous cadence and power of his words," recalled the source. "Suddenly, she began humming 'mmmm mmmm,' then adding lyrics such as 'He said red, black, yellow or white/All are equal in his sight.' It was so spontaneous and real. Before you knew it, everyone on every network but Fox was singing along." O'Donnell tried teaching the lyrics to MSNBC's Keith Olbermann but he was unable to complete a verse without raging and screaming. "Norah felt Keith was hurting the song's tone of pure, innocent worship. So she gave him a belt to chew on." (Photo: jillstanek.com)

Obama: 'UN Parking Tickets Fund Global Warming Fight'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a speech to the United Nations, President Obama called upon member nations to pay their parking tickets so the United States could use the money to fight global warming. "We face a colossal cataclysm that will crush our craniums," said the President. "But with the money mustered from years and months of unpaid motor misdemeanors, America will mount a massive assault upon the monstrous morphing of our climate." The President is prepared to offer loans and grants to help countries pay their back tickets, as well as rebates and cash incentives if they pay before the end of 2009. President Obama hoped United Nations members would take advantage of these incentives. "I think the world will find they finish first fiscally by freely paying fines." (Photo: swamppolitics.com)

Boos, Screams Greet Met Opera's 'Tosca' Performed by Bears

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Audience reaction was harsh over Swiss director Luc Bondy's decision to cast brown bears in all the principle roles of 'Tosca.' "No one believed it," said opera critic Mallo Gaines. "Even though they dubbed in singing from an old performance, the bears were nervous and didn't like the lights and noise and started grunting. This was not Puccini." Boos and catcalls turned to screams when the bear portraying Cavaradossi shambled into the audience and cuffed several patrons, flipping them into the air like salmon. After the performance, with ambulances still arriving, Bondy remained defiant. "Some have called me 'textually unfaithful.' But I feel my choice of bears was refreshing and a welcome break from the human-centric dominance of traditional opera. Perhaps it was my way of saying 'we are all bears?' Perhaps not. In any case, we go back to people tomorrow night because we ran out of tranquilizer darts. Will I be blamed for that too?" (Photo: solarnavigator.net)