Saturday, June 6, 2009

After Vacation, Cartel Killers Return to Work Refreshed

CIUDAD JUAREZ, MEXICO - Wearing a glow-in-the-dark Empire State Building tie, gunman Jesus Villa pulled a kidnapped businessman from a trunk and shot him to death. "Honestly, before visiting New York, I couldn't have spit at this man, let alone grease him. I feel fit and firm as a whore's flank." A killer for one of two warring cartels, Villa is just one of many murderers rejuvenated after a two-month hiatus. Speaking anonymously, a cartel spokesperson stated, "Before the break, men were sending rivals insulting Tweets instead of giving them a 9mm third eye. Really, it was fatigue from overwork." For a time, Villa didn't believe the vacation would help. "Even in New York I was run-down, then I went to see Wicked at the Gershwin Theatre. The actor playing Fiyero was just going through the motions, collecting a pay check. This annoyed me. So after the show, I shot him in both knees and dumped him in a sewer where I hope he was eaten by rats. Afterwards, I couldn't stop humming 'Popular.' That's when I knew I'd be fine." Digg! (

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