Saturday, June 20, 2009

Combat Death 9th Highest Form of Patriotism

BERKELEY, CA - With the election of Barack Obama, would dissent remain the highest form of patriotism? Not surprisingly, a survey conducted in the Protest Capitol of America found that, yes, dissent was still the number one manifestation of patriotism. Sixty-nine percent of respondents felt disagreement with certain government policies expressed the most love of country. Thirty percent cited more specific forms, ala anti-war dissent, as demonstrating superior patriotism. One percent listed non-traditional actions such as serving in the military. 
In descending order, here are the other highest forms of patriotism :

2.  Constructing a giant papier mache head of George W. Bush complete with devil horns and Hitler moustache and placing it on the roof of your home.

3.  Riding a bicycle naked for peace with hundreds of other unappealing naked people and blocking traffic so people with jobs can't get home.

4.  Screaming at the TV for the war to stop so violently that the police show up and Taser you.

5.  Placing a bumper sticker on your Prius that says, "War Hurts a Lot and Makes Me Full of Sad Beans." 

6.  Hanging a blow-up photo of a hundred, fat, middle-aged, naked women forming a peace sign up in your cubicle at work.

7.  Volunteering as a human shield at an anti-war craft fair.

8.  Attending an anti-war film so mawkish and clunky even the enemy won't go see it.

9.  Dying in combat by friendly fire or a self-inflicted wound.

10. Faking military service in order to tell the media about the time you and your squad made Hot Pockets out of kidnapped Iraqi children. Digg! (Photo: www.nogw.coma)


Dutch said...

Oddly enough I've done six of these forms of dissent. Do you get style points for getting you head stuck in one of those paper mache things? I put on one that resembled Scooter Libby and fainted. The paramedics worked for hours but they never got it off. Its aggravating to live with and I had to by all new hats but girls like it.

Ling Carter said...

Too bad it wasn't a Bush head.

San Francisco recently changed their team name from "Warriors" to "ChimpyMcHitlerDevil Pups?"

You might've secured valuable mascot work.

Dutch said...

Damn! There went my first million.

Steve Burri said...


Ron Popeil and I have developed a 'Paper Mache Jaws-of-Life.' Perhaps you have seen our infomercial. We've sold many.

Another million... ho hum.

Dutch said...

Damn I'll have to replace my hats again! Where were you guys when I got my head wedged between those fence slats from 1983 to 87? The bastards hung a mailbox on my back and claimed I was a lawn jockey with special needs.