Obama Links Troop Increase to Leno Ratings

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC sources confirmed that President Barack Obama linked Afghan troop reinforcement to ratings of The Jay Leno Show. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source stated, "About a month ago, we started getting calls from the White House asking for Leno's overnights. Somebody here knows Kal Penn from the Harold and Kumar films. They called him in Washington and he [Penn] said the White House didn't have a clue on Afghanistan. And that, somehow, they'd tied the war to The Jay Leno Show and would reinforce if Leno broke 5 million viewers during November Sweeps." On Monday, Leno's ratings dipped to barely over 4 million, walloped by new episodes of CSI: Miami and Castle on CBS and ABC respectively. Two days later, news leaked that the President rejected all current troop options. "He's getting cold feet," said the source. "Unless Leno can pull off a miracle, we'll probably surrender to the Taliban before Christmas. If I were the military, I'd set Hugh Grant up with another prostitute. Better make it two. And one of them should be a monkey." (Photo: scrapetv.com)