Muslim Major Shoots Up Base, Media Target Amish

FT. HOOD, TX - A Muslim army officer who admired Islamic suicide bombers and handed out Korans is in custody for shooting fellow soldiers as the media focus on the Amish. NBC and CBS news crews descended on Lancaster, PA, hoping to unearth clues linking Major Nidal Malik Hasan to the Mennonites, an obscure Christian sect. "There was nothing noteworthy in his [Major Malik Hasan's] background," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Nothing points to a motive for attacking his own men." And while Malik Hasan was upset over the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and had been warned by superiors to stop proselytizing Islam, Couric felt the answers lay in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. "Horses, quilts and bonnets have been known to cause madness," she stated. "That madness can seep into hand-made furniture or various jellies. It's entirely possible Major Malik Hasan may have eaten tainted Christian jam, brought to Ft. Hood by a soldier returning from leave. That jam caused him to behave violently. Otherwise, we'll probably blame tea parties and Glenn Beck." (Photo: galenfrysinger.com)